


The Way You Are Silent

by Juliet_Alayne



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, F/M, Getting to Know Each Other, Heartbreak, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, New Friendships, finding happiness, various ooc throughout
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:36:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 68,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28902009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliet_Alayne/pseuds/Juliet_Alayne
Summary: I began writing this quite a few years ago...and I'd removed it for a while and have been tempted to change it based on current events but have decided to leave it alone...it's fiction after all ;oPPrimary Relationship: Yamada Ryosuke x OCRating: PG-15ish at first, likely NC-17 by the endGenre: Idol life, relationships, fluffy, angst, it's gonna be a rideWarnings: I'm setting this story as mature to be sure everyone understands there are some really heavy issues addressed in the story. I'd prefer avoiding spoilers, so please note that there are some serious, sometimes disturbing themes included in this story and if you are uncertain it might be best to skip this story or message me for details on what the topics covered are. Thank you!Teaser:He nodded once, and then stepped forward to walk down the aisle, the reporters buzzing wildly in their caged area as they saw the group enter.Piranhas.He kept his eyes focused forward, feeling his stomach drop down, and his step become wobbly, as he realized this was really happening. He was really walking into this auditorium right now, and when he walked out, everything he'd ever known would be changed forever.
Relationships: Chinen Yuri/Original Character, Yamada Ryosuke/Original Character





	1. This is Real

Ryosuke was walking home from soccer practice, humming softly as he walked past the park where the city workers were all very busy setting lanterns across strings for the upcoming festival. He inhaled deeply as the scent of the cherry blossoms wafted through the air, smiling broadly as it tickled his nose, despite his allergies, he loved spring the most. Practice had gone particularly well today, his position and form well maintained as a junior member of the Shonan Bellmare, so his steps were especially light and there was a happy song in his heart. He was also excited since his ninth birthday was soon and his family had promised to go on a day trip together to the beach to celebrate.

He glanced up through his bangs as he turned the corner into his yard to see his neighbor and best friend, Masae, sitting on the porch steps of his house. She had her knees touching, her dress pulled down like a proper young lady, elbows on her knees and head in her hands as she was singing a song she must have learned in school. He couldn't help but smile at her as he approached her.

Masae's eyes lit up when she saw him, picking up the box beside her and rushing toward him, calling out his name loudly as she ran.

He dropped his bookbag and soccer ball, catching her by both arms when she tripped and nearly crashed into him, "Easy, don't rush like that Masae-chan!"

He laughed at her, setting her upright before stepping backward, still giggling over her enthusiasm.

She had her eyes cast down to the ground, cheeks bright red as she reached out to push him in the tummy from her embarrassment. He feigned being hurt, but then when she didn't respond, he frowned, realizing how he'd made her feel, immediately regretting having laughed at her. He leaned down low so the he could look up into her face—smiling brightly—but it was entirely lost on her, as she kept her eyes focused on the box in her hand steadfastly ignoring him.

Masae was a little over a year younger than him, and since he practiced soccer each day after school she was almost always home before he was, and she'd almost always be sitting right there on the steps of his house waiting for him, though she didn't always have a box in her hands.

"What do you have there, Masae-chan?" He asked softly, his hand reaching out to touch her elbow, trying to draw her out of her flustered state.

"I waited for you, Yamada-kun," she gushed enthusiastically, her eyes bright as she forgot about the sad feelings she was having, bouncing up and down in place from her excitement. She bent back the lid to the box and held her hands out so he could see the two dango nestled into the crisp pink paper.

He leaned forward, inhaling deeply the aroma of the sweet treat. "Smells so good!" he gushed, leaning further down into the box to get another smell of them.

"Here," she stepped back a bit, drawing the box away from him, his mouth forming into a pout, but then he couldn't help but laugh when she made a noise of disapproval. She reached into the box and pulled one of the round pink dumplings out, gesturing for him to take it.

He instantly lifted it from her palm, popping it into his mouth, barely able to close his lips—the sticky, gooey, chewy treat filling his mouth and cheeks. He hummed in satisfaction at the sweet flavor as he savored it, considering the taste and texture. He covered his mouth, his words muffled and messy when he tried to speak around the dumpling he was chewing, but his words were enthusiastic even so, "Thank you, Masae-chan!"

She watched him expectantly, bouncing on her toes, waiting to see what he'd thought of the confection—and wasn't disappointed, as once he'd swallowed it, he reached out and patted her head, declaring in absolute terms, "Perfect!"

Her smile shined bright as she spoke quickly, her words a blur, "Mama taught me, and let me do almost everything myself! We made platters of them for the festival. I even crushed the cherry blossom petals all by myself," she took a deep breath, looking down, whispering softly, "It hurt my hands!"

She shifted back, putting distance between herself and Ryosuke, as she realized as usual, she was talking too much, shuffling her feet looking at the other dango she had saved for herself for a moment before she held it out to him. He stared at her, wondering if she really wanted him to take it when she shook her hand impatiently toward him again.

He plucked it from her fingers, her eyes wide, as if the only thing she wanted in the moment in all the world was to watch him enjoy another one of the dumplings—so he lifted it to his mouth, biting it in half and then reaching out to press the other half to her lips, mumbling through the mouthful, "We'll share it!"

She opened her mouth, laughing as she took the bite from his fingers, chewing it carefully, touched by his kindness to share with her.

_He's always so kind to me._

He grabbed her hand and pulled her along with him to the center of his yard, plopping down and laying back, his hand moved, patting the ground next to him as he stared at the clouds in the sky.

"I see a rabbit!" he pointed it out to Masae when she'd laid down next to him, her body tilted a little away from him but her head touching his. His finger lifted to guide her eyes to the spot in the sky he was looking at.

"I see it, too!"

"Did _you_ make the dango, Masae-chan?"

"I did! Just for you Yamada-kun!" she gushed, somehow unfiltered in her joy of making his favorite sweet. He hummed in happiness at that, smiling, his mind free, when her hand pointed to a new formation across the sky, crying out, "That's a dragon and it's going to try to eat the bunny!"

"Oh, no! We have to save the little bunny, what should we do?" Ryosuke was overly dramatic, because he knew it was her favorite and it always made her so happy—and most of the time that was his primary goal in life—to make Masae happy, to hear her laugh, to know he'd made her laugh.

He truly loved their daily story time. They'd always known each other, in fact, there wasn't a memory he had that Masae wasn't a part of. Their mothers were best friends, and fortunate enough to also grow up together. Every day, for as long as he could remember, sometimes even on days when it rained heavily, they would stare at the clouds and weave stories from the pictures presented there.

It was one of his best times of each day. Just him, her, and the quiet hum of the world around them.

"We need someone very brave, so _you_ should save the little bunny, Yamada-kun!"

Ryosuke sudden rolled over onto his stomach, his face inches away from Masae's. She blinked rapidly at him, trying to focus on his features after looking so long at the far away sky.

"I told you _every day this month_ to stop calling me that," his voice was terse, and he didn't intend for it to be so stern but he couldn't cover up his irritation at this point.

He never paid much attention to what she'd called him before, they barely said each other's names at all, in fact, but suddenly she started calling him by 'Yamada-kun' a few months before. He thought maybe it would pass, but it hadn't, and then he'd realized how much he didn't like her treating him just like everyone else—especially not in such a formal way.

Her face twisted into a scowl, her tone impertinent as if she were already tired of the conversation, " _I told you_ that I'm practicing being grown up. I'm being taught in class. I want to call you that."

"I hate it, stop it!" he huffed, tugging on a piece of her hair to emphasize his feelings on the matter. His eyes followed the strand, always finding her hair color unique, not dark like most people's hair, but lighter with a hint of cherry in it—since her father was from Ireland, it made sense. Her skin was also much fairer, and her eyes were a soft shade of brown, and when the sunlight hit them just right, to him, it seemed like she held stars and glitter in her eyes. He would never tire of looking into them.

They felt like magic.

She rolled those same eyes dramatically, "Then I will call you Onii-san."

"Ew! You will not!" he blurted out, scrunching up his face in distaste.

"Isn't that right? You are like my older brother?" She mused, quite sincerely, surprised by his vehement objection.

"No! I'm not Masae-chan!" He insisted sharply, his eyes narrowed.

She reached up to brush his hair out of his eyes, trying to understand, her bottom lip jutting out, her feelings especially tender about her affection for him.

"Aren't you?"

"No."

His response was firm, emphatic, "Brothers don't want to grow up and marry their sisters!"

Masae's eyes popped open wide at the blunt confession, "You want to marry me, Yamada-kun?"

"Yep!" he smiled then, reaching out to take her hand in his, studying the red marks on her skin, bruised and tender from the hard work with the pestle to crush all the cherry blossoms for the dumplings, he lifted his eyes to stare into hers, "I want to marry you and then we'll go to the sea and watch the waves splash on the sand."

"Hmm," she smiled at the thought, "I have never been to the ocean before, Yamada-kun!"

"Masae-chan?"

"Hmm?"

"Call me Ryosuke," he whispered, missing the sound of his name in her voice, "Please?"

She huffed out a breath of air, blowing his hair back as he was so close now, "I'll call you Ryosuke if you pro— "

"Say it again!"

"What?"

"Say it again!"

"Ryosuke?"

He beamed as the name passed her lips, "I like it. I missed you saying my name! Again!"

"You're such a dumb boy!"

"Please, Masae-chan?"

She rolled her eyes, moving onto her side to face him, leaning on her elbow, propping her head up with her hand. He laid his head down on his arm staring at her when she spoke again, "I want to call you a special name too though, like how you call me Masae-chan. I think Ryosuke-chan is too long though."

"I don't want you to call me cute!"

"But you are cute, aren't you? You're the cutest boy I know. Isn't it okay to tell the truth?"

"I suppose it's good to tell the truth, but it's embarrassing to me, Masae-chan, so please don't call me that."

"Hmm...I want to call you something no one else will call you though, since besides my parents, you are the only one to call me such a personal name," she twisted her face in concentration, "I could call you Ryo-chan, would you let me do that?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"I told you, don't call me cute, it's embarrassing. I'm not cute. I'm a man."

She wondered at that. Was he really a man? She'd never looked at him as anything other than her friend, who was a boy, sure, but not a man. She didn't really understand, but she felt sensitive to the emotions playing across his face.

She suggested a compromise, "What if I only say it when we're alone then?"

He studied her face, she was very serious too now, which he was glad about, though he didn't actually mean to speak so plainly to her. He tried to consider her request fairly.

"I guess that would be okay, but when we're around others, won't you just call me Ryosuke?"

"If you let me call you Ryo-chan when we're alone, I will always say Ryosuke with others, I promise."

"I want you to promise me more, Masae-chan," he whispered, his expression sincere, scooching forward even closer, his voice filled with emotion, "Promise that we'll grow up and be together always?"

"Right now?"

"Yes," he smiled, leaning closer to her face, "So I will carry it with me through all the hard years of study—so I will be excited to learn and become a good man! To do my best for you!"

"Okay, I promise then, you should most certainly do your very best!"

"We should seal the promise, like they show in the movies...shouldn't we?"

She shrugged not sure what he had in mind, as she hadn't seen very many shows or movies, and the few she had certainly didn't talk about such serious things.

He shifted his body closer, lifting his head to look into her eyes, his nose brushing against hers, "It tickles Ryo-chan!"

"Shh," he whispered softly, "Be still, or the promise won't take!"

Before she could consider what it was he had planned, he'd moved forward and quickly kissed her, a perfectly simple, sweet, and innocent kiss, then he shifted backwards, to look into her eyes.

"Did it take?" he whispered, his own eyes wide with wonder.

"I don't know, I've never been promised to a boy before, but it _seemed_ like it did?"

He nodded his head once, smiling, "Good! Then one day, when we're older, I promise I'll kiss you properly every day so we can make hundreds of new promises!"

She made a strange expression, "Maybe I will like it more when I'm older."

He looked offended at the remark, but then couldn't help but laugh at her mortified expression, "You didn't like my kiss?"

Her eyes were wide, as even in her young age she felt like there was something important happening here. It was clear this mattered to him, even if she didn't understand why. He was more serious than anything she could think of since she could remember. That's how serious he was. She did not want to hurt his feelings, so she shuffled forward, kissing him quickly before he could realize what she was doing.

When she moved back his eyes were alight with a mixture of happiness and curiosity, "What...wh—"

"You worry too much about silly things, Ryo-chan, I liked it just fine. I just think maybe I'll like it _more_ when I'm older is all."

He nodded then, "I suppose I will, too...but it was good for a promise, I think?"

She nodded, reaching over to ruffle his hair. He smacked her hand away, causing her to laugh, her eyes drifting past his face to the sky, "Oh!! Look! There's a lion! Maybe it could save the bunny!"

Ryosuke turned to roll over on his back again, looking at where she was now pointing.

"No," he said firmly, "I'll be brave and save the bunny, like you asked before. I'll always be here for you, Masae-chan."

Ryosuke looked out the window of the car as it pulled up to the curb of the venue, a low sound of disapproval rumbling in his chest. It was like a circus out there, crowds of fans, reporters, curiosity seekers...he really had no idea what other kinds of people had shown up for this spectacle. The noise coming in through the closed tinted windows felt out of place given the circumstances, and he couldn't stop himself from frowning deeply as the car came to a stop. He took a deep breath, shifting to the side toward the door as it swung open, the moment the top of his head appeared above the door the already loud crowd escalated into a deafening roar.

He waved reluctantly, nodding toward a particularly noisy group of girls which just made them grow even louder—swelling slightly forward toward him. He rushed ahead, regretful he'd even acknowledge the fans given their response, he ducked his head and averted his eyes, trying to move as quickly as possible through the police controlled walkway into the doors waiting at the other end. A man opened the door and he rushed inside, bowing his head and thanking him as he passed. The fans weren't always like this, but as the years had moved on, it seemed like the fans were becoming more and more bold.

He looked around the lobby, filled with hundreds of artists, producers, entertainment gurus and other celebrities. He felt small and out of place and wished he could just go hide in a corner somewhere.

"It's about time."

He jumped when the voice whispered in his ear, turning to see Keito standing behind him. He reached his hand out to rest on Ryosuke's shoulder, jerking his head to the side, "This way."

Ryosuke adjusted his tie to loosen it a bit, a feeling like suffocating washing through his chest as he began to sweat, he followed closely along behind Keito—reaching forward to grab onto the back of his jacket when the crowd was so cramped he was afraid he was going to be lost.

_How many people are here?_

He released the jacket, nervously brushing his palms against the front of his pants when they reached a corner space where the rest of the group members were waiting.

He nodded nervously as the others greeted him, turning to glance through the doorway into the auditorium.

"Agh, how many people are even here?!"

Yuri laughed beside him, "There's probably only a handful of people who actually _want_ to be, how are we supposed to be happy about this?"

"Don't."

Yabu snapped, his eyes darting around the area surrounding them to make sure no one heard the words, then turning to look at Yuri disapprovingly.

Yuri laughed lightly, shrugging, clearly not caring about what anyone thought, he was telling the truth after all. This day should be something sacred for the Johnny's and instead it was a fiasco thanks to the decision to make the announcement publicly. While most of those inside Johnny's could appreciate what their benefactor had done, those outside were less than understanding, and even among those within—there existed also a broad swath of those who felt bullied by the regime he'd designed, and held a deep-rooted resentment toward him and his legacy—despite their own success and profit from it.

"This isn't a press conference—it's a damn spectacle," Ryosuke whispered to Yuri as he leaned over to him.

"You're not wrong," Yuri whispered back just as Yabu's eyes narrowed to them both.

Hikaru cleared his throat, rolling his eyes as he gently shook his head, moving to stand directly in front of Ryosuke, reaching out to fix his loosened tie, straightening it as he pulled it tight again, then patting him on the shoulder once.

"We've been given our seating assignment, we're meant to enter as a group. Yama-chan, you're first, we're assigned to the row with the blue flag, it has 'Jump' written on it." He turned to look at the others, "The rest of us will follow him in after that in this order." He moved to place everyone in order.

Ryosuke mostly checked out of the situation after he learned his order of appearance, stepping forward to peek through the doors, a cacophony of clicks and whirls echoing in the large space from the sides and along the front of the auditorium where the press was situated. He couldn't stop his response, his mouth downturned, frowning deeply at the way this was being handled.

_Disgusting._

He glanced back to see the others forming the line and Yabu nodded to him to go ahead and start walking in. He schooled his face, putting forth his best expression to feign happiness and support—despite the fact that no one would actually care if it was genuine or not, it wouldn't do to not make a genuine effort at least. He'd never let the press know his true emotions, they didn't even deserve this much. It's not that he didn't have some positive feelings about all of this, there was some excitement there, some sense of wonder, but the simple truth was that he was utterly devastated. He was thankful for the sort of detachment that he couldn't shake—the formality of all of this, it felt many levels away from him. Almost surreal.

_Impossible._

He knew it was true, but he hadn't even begun to accept it.

His expression fixed to move forward, he turned to nod to the others, but nearly burst out laughing, coughing to cover it as he marveled at how quickly everyone else had also put on their proper 'happy excited Johnny' faces. He nodded once, and then stepped forward to walk down the aisle, the reporters buzzing wildly in their caged area as they saw the group enter.

_Piranhas._

He kept his eyes focused forward, feeling his stomach drop down, and his step become wobbly, as he realized this was really happening. He was really walking into this auditorium right now, and when he walked out, everything he'd ever known would be changed forever. He cast his eyes down, looking to the side to find their designated flag. It was just ahead to the right, so he turned when he arrived at their row. Carefully walking to the seat marked with his name. He sat down, trying to look around to see who else was seated close to them. It looked like all the bands were in the same area together. He nodded at Nino who was seated two rows up and had turned to look back at the commotion as they entered, his expression mirroring the same confusing emotions.

The juniors were seated all along the outer rows and were so subdued and quiet it felt unnatural. He shook his head, zoning out until he heard a loud noise, his eyes lifting to see the cadre of executives and professionals from the company entering through the front of the auditorium.

He glanced down at his watch as they stood to bow.

_Two hours until this is over._

A few months had passed and things were mostly quiet and no one had any idea what was happening—despite lots of rumors, lots of quiet talks in hallways and corridors, there was no actual news, not a single word. They were all running on high tension when they were finally called to a meeting, and Ryosuke was exceptionally out of sorts as he was the last one to arrive for the meeting despite normally being early thanks to getting caught in traffic. He rushed through the lobby and up the stairs at headquarters to report to the meeting.

He pushed open the door leading to the conference room, all eyes turning to him as he entered.

"What!? There's still ten minutes before the meeting is scheduled to start!" he snapped at them, huffing as pulled the door closed behind him.

The others laughed as he made his way over to the empty chair between Yuri and Yuya, "Besides, I don't feel the need to kiss everyone's ass around here."

Yuya leaned forward, pitching his head down, catching his eyes, "Be careful with that kind of talk right now Yama-chan...things are apparently..."

"Tense."

Keito spoke firmly, as he lay his hand down on the table, fingers tapping gently, "You've been gone off site for your other projects, but you should know...things are a little out of balance around here right now."

"They're all going crazy!" Hikaru said, louder than he meant to, turning to look to the door to ensure no one had come in or overheard him, lowering his voice into a conspiratorial tone as they all leaned in toward the center of the table, "Seriously, I heard that they're planning to—"

The sound of the door opening caused him to swallow his next words, eyes wide, as the group glanced from one to the other with uncertainty.

A team of what appeared to be executives made their way to the head of the table, shuffling papers, and electronic devices, murmuring softly as they moved around to stand in some kind of clearly predetermined formation. Everything felt like it was too stiff, too formal—and as Ryosuke looked at the others he knew they felt much the same.

Ryosuke smiled when it seemed as if the air in the room became lighter when Mr. Okato, their legal representative, entered the room, taking a seat at their end of the table. There was a certain comfort to knowing someone was there looking after them other than themselves. They might be adults, but their experiences didn't necessarily match up with their peers.

After everything seemed to be ready, the woman who appeared to be in charge cleared her throat as she looked up at the wide-eyed group members.

"Good afternoon!" The woman's voice was soft as she bowed to them, all of the boys stood quickly to bow to her, and then took their seats again as she continued to speak, "My name is Mrs. Sokuri, and I will be going over some of the changes each of you individually, and collectively as 'Hey! Say! Jump' can expect as we move through the transition after the retirement of our president."

Ryosuke tried to imagine the elusive man as being 'his president' but just couldn't make sense of it in his head. He was his friend. He was a mentor. He was his greatest senpai, no matter how much he'd denied it, insisting he was inferior to his talents, but he was no 'president'—and it felt more disrespectful to refer to the man as something he wasn't than to place him on the level of beloved friend—in particular now that he'd stepped down from his namesake company.

From the time Ryosuke had auditioned and begun his career with Johnny's, Johnny had always been there backing him up. The times he'd lost his feet under him and was lost, he would suddenly be there, with the right words, the right advice. When he'd wanted to quit because he desperately wanted to protect the other members of the group from his growing popularity—Johnny had found him less than an hour after the words had left his mouth.

"The disservice to the band is not your success, whether within the group or through your solo efforts—no, the disservice is the idea you've allowed to take root in your spirit that somehow those boys would be anything other than supportive of your success. I can't make you stay, but I can tell you that before you make a choice like that you need to be honest with your members, not on the level of professionalism, but on the level that those boys aren't just people who sing and dance with you—but that they are your family now. Whether you stay with Hey! Say! Jump or not, that will not change."

Ryosuke had been taken back by how firmly the man stated this. It was as if it were an indisputable fact to him, that much was clear, and all thoughts of protest had died down inside of him. Instead he had asked only one question, "How will I know if they are telling me the truth?"

Johnny had laughed then, leaning back in his chair with a happy glow, "Have you met them? Not a single one of those boys are capable of misleading an answer from a straightforward question. Trust them to tell you the truth, even if it's not something you want to hear."

Johnny had become very reclusive, and cut off from the world over time, partly from his declining health, and probably more so from all the constant stress the gossip created for him. It really was no surprise to anyone given how many horrific rumors had surrounded him and his organization. There had been countless times that one or more of the boys in Johnny's had wanted to go public to defend things that were being said about Johnny and his empire...but every single time they were told, by the man himself, "Don't feed the wildlife, boys!"

Ryosuke was grateful, eternally so, for the opportunity to be a part of the vision Johnny had created, and in that thought he owed the man everything. He gave him the opportunity to be what he wanted to be, on his own terms for the most part, and that wasn't something that he would ever forget. His loyalty remained with the company no matter who was running it—but there was no shaking the fact that nothing would be the same without Johnny there.

Drifting out of his own thoughts Ryosuke attempted to pay attention, he really did, but there were so many numbers being thrown out and words that seemed to hold very little consequence to them, it felt like they were actually talking to Mr. Okato and not the members themselves. He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms as he let out a deep breath. He glanced at the clock, blinking his eyes quickly as he realized they'd only been in there for twenty minutes. He closed his eyes for a moment, and jerked sideways when he felt Yuri's elbow jab into his side.

He turned his head to glare at him, when Yuri subtly tilted his head toward the man who was now speaking, as another of the team members walked around to put a folder in front of each of them.

He sat forward in his chair, his fingers moving across the folder to open it, his eyes drifting over the words on the front page as he heard a collective gasp from the others.

"Reformation?"

Keito's voice was solid, not betraying his feelings about the words he was reading on the page despite the fact that everyone was sure he was just as shaken by the direction the file was taking them as they were. Everyone started murmuring and speaking at once.

The woman made a strange noise, drawing everyone's attention to her before they could spin further out of control.

"The choice of words in the documentation was poor on our part. There will not be a 'reformation' of the nature you are assuming. Rather, we will be reorganizing the structure of our business model, which in turn will affect you in many ways."

She gestured to the file, turning the page. The others turned the page to see the next which appeared to outline a schedule with a calendar and events listed in succession. Ryosuke's eyes widened as he looked over all the information, turning the pages to see the plan detailed well over two years and it took fourteen pages in whole—and this was just the _outline._

It looked like they had quite a few appearances scheduled to start in a few months, leading up to a tour in the first quarter of the next year, when most of those involved in outside projects would be available during filming breaks.

His eyes skimmed the page, flipping through the next three after the schedule quickly, details were outlined...cities, dates, incidentals—with a lot of empty places that he recognized as where they would thankfully be given input into the tour itself. He was confused...they didn't have a new album at this time, they were in the process of early writing and practice when Johnny had retired—all projects had been put on hold for the last three months while the business itself came to terms with the adjustment to the change in power.

"Why are we touring without a new album to promote?" Daiki asked, flipping pages in his own folder quickly.

"We intend to do a recap tour for the last ten years—a different type of anniversary tour than what you've done. It is the new president's desire that your band usher in the new con—"

"This says we are going to perform in the United States!" Yuri's voice was high pitched and excited as he pulled the page out of his folder and held it up for the others to see.

Everyone seemed to react at once, excited, confused, full of questions as the woman in charge tried to get their attention before she lost control of the group. Her voice was drowned out by the boys becoming louder and louder.

"How are we going to perform in the US!? We don't even speak the language!"

"I speak English."

"Do you plan to translate an entire concert, Keito!"

"I don't want to perform there!"

"Sixteen shows?!"

"I don't understand why we need to go there! We are fine—"

" _It is what I want._ "

The voice was louder than everyone in the room, and all their heads snapped to the side to see a woman standing in the doorway wearing a bright red business suit, her hair pulled back into a severe bun, her lips painted in the same color as her clothing.

"Julie-chan!" Keito rushed out of his chair to stand and bow, quickly correcting himself, "Ms. Fujishima!" as the other boys quickly followed in manner and presentation, their eyes fixed on the table in front of them. While the group knew her on a more personal level than most since she had actively managed them in the past, many years had passed and she had now ascending to the role of president.

"Sit, please," the woman spoke softly as she moved to stand beside Mr. Okato. She talked to him quietly and he nodded, standing and leaving the room. Confused by this action, they all sat back down quickly, their eyes bouncing from each other to the woman and back to the table in front of them.

"Calm down," she whispered, laughing brightly, "I have only fondness for each of you, surely you know that I wouldn't suggest you do something that wasn't for your benefit?"

The boys glanced around at each other before they nodded, their eyes still cast at the table. The room was silent for a beat, before she began drifting around the table, touching each of them one by one on the head in the way a mother might show affection to her children.

"I watched you each grow from precocious young boys into amazingly talented young men. I want nothing more than for the entire world to see what I see in each of you."

She had reached the head of the table, gesturing with her hand toward the door, "I think it would be best for me to handle this personally, it was unwise of me to send you in my stead."

The team members nodded, quickly gathering up their things, whispering softly to the woman and then rushing from the room. When the door closed, she unceremoniously plopped down into the chair at the head of the table, kicking her shoes off, groaning as she propped her feet up on the chair next to her.

"Seriously, what even is this nonsense anyway?" She laughed brightly as she pulled the pins from her hair and it tumbled down around her shoulders, "Sorry I was late and sent them to talk to you guys—I was held up by some of the 'concerned investors' upstairs." She ran her fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp and then drawing them to her temples as she closed her eyes for a moment, lost in some kind of internal thought before she opened them and looked around the table at the shocked young men staring back at her.

"Enough of the formalities, I'll talk honestly with you," she pulled her feet down, drawing them up under her in the chair to sit on her knees, leaning forward onto the table, "We're breaking through the wall to the west...and _you_ are going to lead the way."

The response from the group ranged from excitement to disbelief, they began murmuring but before they could say much she spoke again, "I need you to be committed to it, I need to know that you are going to do your best to make this happen. It will not be easy. We have just about a year before the tour will hit the first performance overseas."

She studied the boy's faces, "I know you can do this. I've watched you conquer every obstacle put in front of you—this one will be easy for you." She paused, taking a breath, "I won't try to persuade you to do this, I'm not my uncle, but I _want_ you to do it, and you'll be paid fairly for doing it. Bonuses, days off in amazing cities across the world, and first-class everything."

She looked around at the young men, the ones she had such affection for, as if they were her own—she felt such pride in them, a group that was always at the back of the pack—often overlooked from the forthright manners of the other acts they managed—but she had seen the seeds of greatness in these boys. She'd went directly to her uncle and begged him to let her take over management. She outlined how she could use their unique personalities as individuals and especially the dynamics of the group itself to bring them to the top of their best sellers.

Her uncle had been reluctant. While he'd seen a few of the members who appeared to have potential he had been considering pulling two of them out for solo acts and disbanding the others when she'd approached him. It had taken several meetings for her to wear him down, begging him for nearly a year to prove her plan. He'd finally acquiesced to her plea—and she had spent the next year turning the group into a cohesive, bonded family. Once they'd moved past the internal conflict of her moving Ryosuke to the center—something that did cause an upset—and then how she was able to procure songs written for them that showcased each individual's personality and strengths which was a balm to their broken spirits—they flew to the top.

Her uncle gave her full creative and decision-making rights to the group, and she was the most important part of their success. She worked closely with them, learned about them, talked to them constantly—hearing their hopes, dreams, fears, and built their group around who they were.

As she looked at each of them, she couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face, amazed by them today.

She took a deep breath, brushing away the nostalgia to address the pending issues, "I chose you to do this, to play this role in the new face of our company—because I have the most faith in you."

She nodded sharply, "I'm sure you have questions?"

"We can't speak English," Yuri whispered, "I mean, barely."

"You have a year to learn what you need to know, I've seen you boys learn sixty pages of a script in two days—I have no doubt at all that you can learn enough to handle this. We'll start intensive tutoring immediately after this meeting, the instructors are already in the session rooms downstairs. What else?"

They all looked at one another, Keito spoke up, holding up one of the pages from the folder, "What music is this? There are a lot of songs we don't know on this list and blank spots, too. And some lines say 'other' on them."

"Some of them are new songs you'll debut at the concerts," she raised her hands when she saw them all taking breaths to say something. "Now, don't freak out—we'll do a very small recording to issue with only four or five new songs—we'll also be taking some of your other songs and remixing them, rerecording some parts, and making them new for this tour. The new songs you'll be recording have been written specifically for the tour, the blanks are songs I want you to give input on adding, and some of the 'other' songs are those that other artists will be performing."

"Other artists?" Ryosuke sat up straight, feeling like he'd had cold water thrown on him. He quickly shuffled through the pages in front of him until he got to the last page that held nothing more than some deeply veiled information about another band. There were a lot of words on the page that in reality said absolutely nothing. No group name, no song titles, nothing except that they were an American group.

"In addition to a few Johnny's acts that will appear in certain cities as teasers to what we have to offer, there will also be another group headlining the tour with you. They are from the United States. Highly acclaimed, award winning, sensational and well loved by the US and Europe—they'll translate well into our market. We have worked tirelessly to get them away from their current management after some steep negotiating and signed them onto our newly formed US based subsidiary. They will be touring with you—both in their country and here in ours."

The boys were all shocked, breaking into the American market was something that had been rumored for many years, but certainly seemed unattainable—but now Julie-chan sat in front of them appearing to have not just simply hit the wall—but slammed it with enough force that they were moving forward with plans in less than two months after she was made the new president.

"We've never done that before," Hikaru muttered, closing the folder in front of him.

"Why would we need to add an American group to our tour? Why not take some of our own acts with us?"

"It's stupid!"

Ryosuke remained silent, trying to understand what the purpose would be for such a move—recognizing that the company, and in particular Julie-chan would never do anything that wasn't a move of strategy.

The woman allowed them a few moments to just speak to one another before she stopped them, gently, "Alright, boys, please listen to me. We spent a long time studying the way this needed to happen—beginning _years_ ago—and we know that each of you need a conduit to the other's culture. They will be yours for the US and throughout Europe, and you will be theirs for both Japan and all of Asia. It is mutually beneficial to both groups."

She laid her arms down on the table, her forehead pressing into her arms as her hair fell forward to cover her face. She looked more like a child to Ryosuke in that moment than the woman who wielded one of the most powerful companies in the entertainment industry today. She sighed loudly before lifting her head, "I need my 'high and lofty ideas' to work, I need 'this insane decision' to be a success."

All of them understood what she meant, obviously, the discord about who was going to take over the company started long before the actual retirement of the president—and everyone was aware that there was a great contingency of old school people who didn't want her to become the new face for the company just because she was a woman. They'd all talked about it many times in the past that she would be amazing as the leader of the company and they'd all hoped she'd bring about some much-needed changes to the company overall.

_So, this is what change looks like at the start._

Ryosuke took a deep breath, then laid his hands flat on the table, knowing that while they others would not necessarily follow him if he said yes, they most definitely would not go if he said no.

"I'm willing to try," he said firmly, "I understand why you want to do what you are suggesting, and it makes sense if for nothing else than a business perspective, but I want to say up front, we're not used to sharing the stage with those outside of Johnny's."

It was an understatement. Out of all of Johnny's acts, Jump had fought from the bottom trenches to claim every single inch of center stage, and as such, Ryosuke was extremely possessive of it, not for his own purpose or goals, but because he wasn't going to see his members mistreated or disrespected. They'd all gone through hell and back, and it would take a good reason to move them sideways or back from the place they'd claimed.

The woman laughed loudly, "Your group was always the worst to deal with in that respect, thanks to you, Yama-chan."

He smiled at the use of that name, nodding in the face of the truth, she knew them all very well, and if she thought they could get past the issues and make a successful move into the international spotlight, who was he to doubt her judgement? She'd been right so many times in the past—she had never steered them wrong—even when they weren't sure what she wanted to do would be successful. She'd _always_ been right.

"Guys?" he asked, looking around the table at the others, willing to beg if he needed to. They owed her this much.

Slowly they each nodded and spoke their agreement to try as well.

"What do we need to do?" Ryosuke asked her, nodding his head in assurance that they were all in.

"Start lessons downstairs, they have scripts you need to learn, some of the lines of your songs have been rewritten to include more English lyrics—a few songs will be rerecorded to include on the new cd we'll be selling to include these changes. You'll need to learn at the very least the basics that will get you through interviews and on stage set changes."

She visibly relaxed, clearly understanding they'd all taken a step forward, "You are welcome to learn as much as you want—and I encourage you to—because I want you to enjoy this tour—to see the sites around the world, and be able to immerse yourselves into the locations as you travel. The tutors are available to you anytime and are willing to help you with whatever goal you set. Just know, it's going to need to be balanced with everything else. Your commitments to your shows, programs, interviews, and upcoming work."

"The next few months will include a lot of meetings, lots of information, you'll start some of the prep work on the masters for the songs you'll be debuting, recording, choreography. I've got planners prepared for you downstairs with all the important information. I'll also be assigning a personal assistant to your group to be my eyes and ears when I can't be there—and will act as an interpreter with the other group when you need it. You are of course, still held to the same standards as before—that hasn't changed. I am on a very short leash here, and I need you to do your best to shine. The appointment as president is not absolute."

She looked at them, imploring them to understand what she was saying. The mood in the room was somber, all of them realizing that there was a great deal that hinged on their performance in this new endeavor. They were resolute that they would honor Julie-chan through their success.

"I'm working to get through the red tape to make some changes to our social network policies and things of that nature.... but..." she took a deep breath, smiling brightly, "It's one day at a time, this—" she gestured to the boys around the table, "is a good first step!"

She stood then, her hand on the corner of the table to steady her wobbling as she put her shoes back on, grimacing as she reached up to twist her hair, putting the long, gem encrusted pins into her hair to hold it up and in place, straightening her jacket before flashing them a wide smile, "I've an open-door policy, and I am always available to each of you of course! Thank you."

She moved to the door picking up a bag that had been sitting there, walking quickly by each of them to set something down in front of them.

They all looked up wonderingly, picking up the cell phone that was placed in front of each of them, clearly of the highest technology, and custom designed with their colors and names on the cases, "These are not locked in any way, and I'm trusting you all to use them in good conscious and under the same code of conduct you have always used. I just thought with the overseas tour it might make it easier to communicate with your families."

Ryosuke pushed the button to turn his on and laughed when he saw that a picture of the band had been made the lock screen wallpaper.

"I'm programmed in there, too," she said, standing by the door again, "This is something none of us have experienced—but we're going to get through this together, right?"

They all nodded, thanking her and standing quickly to bow to her. Ryosuke thought he saw a tear fall as she turned and quickly left the room. They all sat down, the room silent as each of them tried to process what had just happened, still trying to absorb everything that had just been said.

They were going to perform overseas.

_This is real._

  



	2. Lies.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a note about the relationships in this story--this is NOT a "Yamachii" story lol they're just best of best of best friends =) NO romance I assure you!

_Alone again again alone_

_Patiently waiting by the phone_ _Hoping that you will call me home_ _The pain inside my love denied_ _Hopes and dreams swallowed by pride_ _Everything I need it lies in you_

_'Cause I'm broken_

_I know I need you now_ _'Cause deep inside I'm broken_ _You see the way I live_ _I know I know your heart is broken_ _When I turn away_ _I need to be broken_ _Take the pain away_

_I question why you chose to die_

_When you knew your truth I would deny_ _You look at me_ _The tears begin to fall_ _And all in all faith is blind_ _But I fail time after time_ _Daily in my sin I take your life_

_All the hate deep inside_

_Slowly covering my eyes_ _All these things I hide_ _Away from you again_ _All this fear holding me_ _My heart is cold and I believe_ _Nothings gonna change_ _Until I'm whole again_

_Broken_

_Broken_

_Broken_

_Broken_

Three weeks had passed since the meeting that changed everything. Every day each of the members were required to attend their English lessons with a personal tutor, various meetings, practices, voice lessons to help them with the new English lyrics and barely enough time in a day for all the required activities. Every night Ryosuke would fall into bed and be instantly asleep from exhaustion.

He jerked sideways at the sound of his alarm, slapping toward the area where his phone was vibrating with the gradually increasing volume of the tune meant to wake him up. He hit the button and threw the phone across the room. It didn't matter how many different songs he set it to or how happy they were, nothing made him feel better about getting up at 5:30 am to go learn English, of all things.

He threw his arms out to the side, shuffling his feet angrily, trying to untangle them from the blankets, growling in frustration as his hands smacked against the mattress under him like it was all its fault. He knew there was nothing to be done about it, but he didn't hesitate to make as much noise as he could, slamming drawers, doors, and throwing things as he took his shower and got dressed. He moved into the kitchen stifling a yawn as Yuri came out of his room from next door to him, walking down the hallway.

"Could you possibly be any louder?"

Ryosuke narrowed his eyes at him, scoffing loudly, slapping his hands in a rhythm as he moved down the counter to reach the coffee machine.

He jerked the cabinet door open rattling the mugs inside before pulling his favorite out and slamming it down on the counter. He kicked the door of the counter in front of him as he poured the coffee, turning to open the fridge to get out the creamer when he nearly ran over Yuri who was standing in his way.

"It was meant to be a rhetorical question, Yama-chan," he huffed, slapping Ryosuke's hands away as he turned to retrieve the creamer for him.

As Yuri crossed the kitchen, Ryosuke had already poured his coffee in his favorite mug for him. He brushed past him as he walked around the counter to sit on one of the stools at the bar across from him, reaching for the creamer when Yuri was done with it.

Yuri slid his mug out in front of him, leaning on the counter on his elbows studying his friend.

"Stop that," Ryosuke hissed, glaring at him through his hair while he scooped sugar into his mug.

"What's your problem anyway? You've been growing more and more agitated by the day!"

"There is no problem."

"You are a terrible liar, Ryosuke," Yuri laughed as he snatched the sugar canister from him to put two scoops in his coffee. He took a small sip of it and then lumped a third scoop of sugar into the mug.

"Shut up," Ryosuke mumbled, stirring his coffee and taking a slow taste taking care not to burn his tongue, "You shouldn't use so much sugar."

"So salty," Yuri laughed, "That's fine, keep your secrets, Grumpy, but I know you'll spill sooner or later."

"Spill what?" Daiki asked as he crossed the living room to walk into the kitchen, grabbing a glass and pouring juice. He turned and looked at the other two expectantly.

"Why he's so grump," Yuri answered, gesturing toward Ryosuke who just growled in response.

"I already know," Daiki responded, reaching past Yuri to grab the magazine from the counter beside him before he moved to sit on the stool next to Ryosuke.

He flipped through the first few pages before he folded them back and sat it on the counter in front of him, reading while sipping his juice, seemingly absorbed in the activity. He didn't react when Ryosuke's hand slammed down on the magazine page, his entire body turned in the stool to look at Daiki, "Do tell."

Daiki reached out, yanking the magazine out from under his hand, and within moments had rolled it and slapped Ryosuke across the head, as he slowly turned to look at the boy who was glaring menacingly at him, rubbing the side of his head. He held Ryosuke's eyes before he spoke slowly.

" _In front of Chii-chan?"_

Ryosuke's eyes widened at the words, nearly imperceptibly, but Daiki saw it despite the fact that he didn't flinch or show his response any other way, and to Yuri he didn't seem to change at all.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Yuri asked around the too large bite of muffin he'd just taken.

"Nothing."

Ryosuke's voice was firm, leaving little room for argument, his eyes narrowed as he stared at Daiki.

"Why are you even here?" Ryosuke snapped, "Why aren't you at home? Already made everyone over there mad this morning?"

Daiki laughed, shaking his head, "Chii-chan asked me to pick him up and take him by the store, thankyouverymuch."

Ryosuke jerked his head to look at Yuri, "You could have asked me."

Yuri shrugged, brushing him off, "I didn't want to bother you. It's fine, not like he has anything better to do anyway."

"Hey!" Daiki protested quickly and then yelped when Ryosuke nearly shoved him off the stool when he stood up, his eyes still fixed on Yuri as he leaned over to place his empty mug in the sink, "Next time, I'll help you, it wouldn't be bothering me."

Yuri stared at him for a moment, trying to make sense of what was going on, what had been going on, before nodding reluctantly, "Alright."

Somewhat satisfied with the response, Ryosuke pushed back off the counter, his eyes narrowed and glaring at Daiki as he shifted past him, his words far too lighthearted for the mood of the room since he'd entered, "I'm heading out, I have a stop to make before lessons begin. I'll see you two there."

He moved quickly across the room, grabbing his bag and keys from the table next to the door before he walked out, slamming the door for good measure.

Daiki had turned to watch Ryosuke leave, once the door slammed, he turned back around to look up at Yuri who was staring at the door, still chewing his muffin, seemingly in deep thought.

His eyes suddenly snapped to Daiki's, "You have to tell me."

"Masae's pregnant."

Yuri nearly choked on the dry muffin in his mouth as he inhaled, sputtering crumbs across the counter, as his hand slapped the surface trying to breath.

"Calm down, Chii," Daiki rushed around the counter, slapping him on the back, reaching over to raise his arm.

Yuri jerked his arm out of his hand, his entire body rebelling as he stepped backwards hitting the counter to the side of him as he shook his body, "Don't treat me like a child, God!"

Daiki raised both hands out in front of him, trying to calm Yuri down, "It's just instinct, sorry..."

"I'm 23 years old, you ass."

Daiki shrugged, reaching across the counter to grab his glass, pouring it out and then opening the dishwasher to put both his glass, as well as Ryosuke's mug into the top rack.

Somedays he felt like he was the Mom in 7's house.

He gestured to the mug beside Yuri, who pushed it toward him. He emptied it and placed it into the dishwasher as well. Drying his hands on a towel, then folding it to lay across the edge of the sink, he turned to look at Yuri who was staring at the floor.

"I know you aren't mad at me," it wasn't an apology, simply an acknowledgement of fact.

"How long has he known?"

"Hmm?"

"How long has he known about Masae?"

"Since the day of the meeting with Julie-san."

"What the hell? Nearly three weeks? How do you even know that, and I don't?"

"He got an email from her, something about her not wanting him to find out from the papa or something. He was on his tablet and I had come in and sat down next to him. He was so consumed with the email he didn't even notice me. I didn't think anything of it, and when I saw it I freaked out—which, I think you can imagine how that went down."

"A disaster."

"Yeah, that's an understatement. He's surprisingly good at threats—and I honestly feared for my life if I told anyone. I guess I thought he'd come around to telling you though, to be honest....still, I told him to make an appointment with Namine-san—and he told me that he would, but he hasn't—he keeps saying he is, but he still hasn't—obviously, I'm concerned."

"So...do something?"

"I can't, Chii, you know this! I can't make him do anything, like you, he's an adult," he shrugged, leaning back on the counter, his hands drawing up to rub at his temples, "If I could do something I would. I don't like—I'm seeing signs again like before of him going off the rails—but I can't think of how to help him. I just....I don't want anyone else to find out. Especially management."

He sighed, trying to not sound as serious as he was, "I haven't seen him eat in three days."

"If you aren't doing something, I am."

"What do you think you can do?"

"Make him do the right thing—go to see Namine-san—talk about it with us! Why does he think he has to do this alone!? We all know what a disaster that was before!"

Daiki laughed bitterly, standing up and moving over to the couch to gather his bag, he called out over his shoulder, "I wish you luck with that, I truly do!"

Yuri watched him, leaning onto the counter for support, breathing deeply, trying to clear his mind.

"I don't have a choice."

* * *

Ryosuke stomped down the sidewalk to his car, slamming the door and hitting both hands on the steering wheel as he screamed in frustration. He'd regretted very few things about his life up to this point, but the one thing he was most assuredly regretting now the most doing ANYTHING of any importance in the public parts of their house.

_I mean, Daiki doesn't even live there and yet he is always in my business!_

_Freaking Daiki_ –he should have known this was coming—he should have known that he was absolutely paying attention to him since the day of the email, but when the first week passed after and he didn't say anything to him or try to make him talk about his feelings, he thought maybe he wasn't really taking note of his activities anymore.

Clearly, he was mistaken. When he'd arrived back to Japan from his filming, he was overwhelmed by all the chaos already with the funeral and uncertainty of the future. What little control he had over his life felt like it was wretched out of his hands the day that Julie-san had given them the new plans for the group—he was shaken by that—but _nothing_ could have prepared him for the email from Masae.

Nothing.

_She didn't want children._

_She told me back before things ended—no children—not for a very long time._

_Her career was the most important thing._

_I was willing to wait._

_To bend on my dreams._

_For her._

_All lies._

_Like all the others._

Since that day, the feelings from before resurfaced—he'd found himself consumed with his internal struggle—his anxiety growing more and more each day, to the point he had pulled out his old bottle of anti-anxiety pills, thinking he might have to take them.

He'd decided though, that he didn't really need them—he was stronger now, after all this time, _wasn't he_?

He really believed he was and it was then, that he decided he had to find some way to take back his life.

_No more pills._

_No more artificial control._

He reached over into his bag, pulling out the pill bottle and looking at it through the light. As he held them, it felt as if they were singing to him, offering themselves to him. Enticing as it was, he wasn't planning to give in. He was strong enough to do this. He would do this.

_I can do this._

He tucked them back into the pack and started the engine, pulling out onto the road, driving to the corner and traveling toward their headquarters.

_She's only been married for eight months._

_EIGHT._

_MONTHS._

He knew it was irresponsible, not going to therapy—he wasn't stupid, he knew he wasn't doing the right thing—but somehow it made him feel like he had a little bit of power over his life, over the situation. Not doing what everyone demanded, not letting them push him around.

Ever since the meeting with Julie he couldn't shake the feeling that he was just a passenger to his life, not the one leading it. It hadn't bothered him when he was younger.

Not at all.

When he was young, he was happy to be told where to stand, how to sing, where to move, what to wear, and who to be. As he grew up, those impositions became more and more grating—and the feeling that he couldn't do anything to change his circumstances was overwhelming.

_She changed her mind—didn't know how much she wanted a child until she was married._

_Until all her friends were having babies and it felt right._

_It felt fucking right._

_She actually said that to me._

_I mean...what kind of person does that?_

He had turned onto the road without thinking, and he startled when he realized he had driven to the therapist's home. She did not see any of the boys from their company in her normal office, rather, she made special accommodations to see them privately in her home to be sure that no one from the press would know anything. If there were conflicts with that, then she would come to the headquarters—but she was good to work with them.

In reality, Ryosuke really did like the therapist—she was very clever, and she took her time with him, steady, without rushing. He appreciated that in a way that no one else probably could unless their entire life had become nothing short of a destructive whirlwind.

_She didn't want me to find out from the papers. Sure, sure—cause she cares about me._

_Lies._

He looked across the yard to her front door. It had lovely spring flowers forming a wreath hanging on it—inviting, much like her personality. Clearly, she wasn't working yet, it was literally 6:30 in the morning...but he pulled alongside the curb of her yard where he normally parked, turning off the car and sitting in silence for a moment. He leaned his arms onto the steering wheel, resting his head in his hands, pulling his hair in frustration.

_What are you doing, Ryosuke?_

He jumped when he heard the sound of his phone playing his ringtone. Digging into his pocket to pull it out and answering without looking, immediately regretting it when he heard Yuri's frantic voice.

"Yama-chan, where are you?"

"I'm fine, Chii, I'll be to headquarters in ju—"

" _Where are you_?"

"Are you even listening to me? I'm fine, I wi—"

"You are not fine," Yuri's voice had an edge to it that spoke of a challenge, "Daiki told me."

"Damn it."

"Where are you right now?"

"At Namine-san's house."

Silence stretched out, and he wondered if the call had been disconnected.

"I am four blocks from the headquarters, I will be there in just a few minutes okay?"

....

....

"Chii-chan?"

There were strange noises, muffled sounds, and then Yuri finally spoke, "Ryosuke, just be still for a minute, can you do that? Will you do that for me?"

"What? What are you talking about? Stop talking to me like that!"

"I just want you to be still...don't move from Namine-san's house okay?"

"Why? _What is wrong with you_?"

"Look at your phone, I just sent you a picture!"

Ryosuke was confused, but pulled the phone away from his ear, tapping the speaker phone icon and then opening his text messages, he tapped Yuri's name and a picture of him hamming it up showed up on his screen making him laugh.

"You're the prettiest beauty queen I've seen yet, Chii-chan," he laughed lightly at the picture.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when someone tapped on the window next to him. He dropped the phone and scrambled sideways, turning to see Namine-san standing outside the car, in her robe, holding a phone up to her ear. She gestured for him to roll the window down.

He quickly pushed the button for the window to lower, "Namine-san, you scared me half to death!" He tried to slow his breathing and began to reach around by his feet for his phone where he could hear Yuri babbling on about something.

When he glanced back up Namine was no longer on her phone but was leaning down onto the sill of the car door, pointing down to the other side of his feet where she could see his phone. He grabbed it and looked at the screen to see that Yuri had hung up.

"I—I am sorry, to have bothered you Namine-san....I don't know why I was...." His voice was frantic, and his breathing was accelerated, he could feel darkness around the edge of his vision, as his hand raised to his chest as if to help control the anxiety that was rushing through him.

"It's fine, Ryosuke, take a deep breath, on three—" she paused giving him a moment and then slowly counted down, "Three, two, one..."

He took a deep breath, hearing the echo of her breathing with him, "Again...three, two, one."

He took another deep breath, closing his eyes, her voice snapped at him, "Don't close your eyes, find a focus!"

He tried to look for something to focus on, his eyes landing on the flowers on her door, he heard her count again and he focused on the door and the flowers and took another deep breath.

"Better?"

He nodded, feeling like he could get a full breath again, shifting his eyes to look at her—not able to stop the frown from appearing at the way she looked, clearly having been awakened from her sleep by one of the boy's meddling phone call telling her he was outside her house.

He turned to look behind her when a car pulled up, and within seconds, Yuri had bounded out of Daiki's car, saying something to him, and then he pulled away as Yuri made his way over to them.

He bowed down deeply, "Thank you, Namine-san!"

"Of course," she smiled, "I will go inside and get myself presentable, while you two go ahead into the office, okay?"

Yuri nodded as she turned to walk to the house, then looked at Ryosuke who was glaring at him.

"Don't even look at me like that, you are the idiot here, not me."

Ryosuke crossed his arms, "How do you figure that?"

"Shut up, I'm tired, and irritated, and I am not putting up with your stupid ass, get out of the car, we're going in there, and you're telling her what you've done."

"What I've done? I haven't _done_ anything!" he hissed.

Ryosuke considered telling Yuri to kiss his ass, but there was something in the other boy's tone, and the way he was looking at him, that spoke of something powerful, and he wasn't really in the mood to handle anymore drama this early.

He pushed the button to make his window go up, glaring at Yuri the entire time, then reached over to grab his bag before he stepped out of the car. He locked it and then reluctantly turned toward the house. Yuri gestured out for him to go first. Ryosuke rolled his eyes, his agitation growing by the second.

He stomped forward, then turned on his heel, anger bubbling upward, "You know you don't have any right to boss me around, we're the same age—and I don't appreciate your tone!"

"I don't remotely care, _go_!"

He pointed his finger at the door behind Ryosuke.

"Maybe I won't!"

"You absolutely will!"

"I won't if I don't want to!"

They stared at each other, both of them digging their feet into the ground, and Ryosuke was considering how he could get around Yuri and into the car when the other boy suddenly sprung forward, plowing his head into his abdomen, his arms going around his waist, tackling him to the ground.

The air whooshed out of his chest as he hit the ground with Yuri on top of him—before he could make sense of what had happened, he felt a fist connect with his cheek, his head flying to the side as he cried out.

"What the fuck, Chinen! Get off me!"

He grabbed Yuri's wrist as his hand flew forward for another blow, stopping it in midair.

"You're going in there and you're fixing this!" Yuri's voice was shaking, in fact, now that Ryosuke actually looked at him, his entire body was vibrating as he sat on top of him.

"What's the matter with you!?"

"Don't talk to me, you go in there!" Yuri's voice rose, to nearly a scream.

He was reaching down to grab at Ryosuke's shirt when his eyes moved to the sidewalk beside them. Ryosuke turned his head to see what he was looking at. His backpack had spilled open when he'd been knocked down, where the bottle of his anxiety medication had fallen out and gotten crushed in the melee.

He looked back up to Yuri's face, his expression clearly playing out the direction of his thoughts, though Ryosuke was too confused by the situation to make sense of it, when he scrambled off toward the pills on the ground. Ryosuke sat up, trying to understand what Yuri was doing, when Yuri grabbed one of the pills, and then before Ryosuke could decipher his intentions he'd somehow managed to get behind him, wrenching his head backwards as his other hand came up trying to shove the pill in his mouth.

Ryosuke jerked his head to the side, grabbing at Yuri's arm. Yuri's legs wrapped around him, pinning one of his arms, and then he arched backwards, making Ryosuke fall with him, his hand still trying to get the pill past his lips.

"Take it! Ryosuke, take the stupid pill!"

Ryosuke was shaking his head, trying to get the pill away, his hand finding no purchase with Yuri's arm, somehow stronger than he remembered him being before. He never wanted to hurt Yuri, but he wasn't taking that damn pill.

He pushed his head back, causing Yuri to move his body to keep from getting crushed, giving him enough leverage to roll sideways. It didn't really matter because it just moved Yuri onto his side, and then onto his back as he scrambled trying to get him to loosen his grip. The insistent hand still trying to pry his mouth open.

One of his hands grabbed his hair and pulled hard, causing Ryosuke to cry out, and then suddenly the pill was there in his mouth, and in his panic, Yuri had rolled them again and was on top of him, his two hands covering his mouth to keep him from spitting the pill out.

Ryosuke started to kick, screaming beneath his hands, the bitter taste of the pill filling his mouth as it began to dissolve, he bucked his body upwards, both arms pressing down to the ground to try to gain leverage, but Yuri was not moving.

He didn't fully understand, because he knew he was stronger than Yuri, he knew it but somehow, he was winning this match.

Yuri had leaned down close to his face, his voice fierce, "Swallow the pill, Yamada, I swear, if you don't swallow it, I'll stuff another one in there, and I will keep doing it until you swallow it!"

Something snapped then, the acrid taste in his mouth making him want to throw up, the loss of control, the loss to Yuri and he jerked his head straight up as hard as he could, smashing into Yuri's face as he screamed, "No!"

His scream was overtaken by Yuri's when he grabbed at his nose where blood was now pouring between his fingers to drip down onto Ryosuke's neck and chest.

Yuri's voice was laced with fury, "What the fuck!?"

Without warning, both of Yuri's fists were pummeling Ryosuke, landing squarely on his chin and cheek and he pulled his arms up to try to deflect the blows, coming at him at a furious pace.

Everything was red, colored red all around him, and there was pain, _so much pain_ , and the taste in his mouth as the pill had nearly fully dissolved, and he had to swallow and then he knew it was gone, he'd taken it, even though he didn't want to, _please no_ , and with that defeat his hands fell limply to his sides, the hits causing his face to move to the side with each blow.

He felt tears heavy, hot in his eyes, and then he was crying, sobbing, his body shaking violently. He heard noises, his body curling in on itself, everything dissipating around him, the sounds around him faded as if he were in a long tunnel, or deep underwater, and he couldn't breathe, no breath was to be found.

For a moment he could see blue, blue where there was red, he felt the world shifting, knew he was being held, and moved—the motion somehow comforting to him, he tried to remember what Namine-san taught him, countdown and breath, he tried it but the blue disappeared—fading quickly into red again, so he closed his eyes, clenching them against the pain....and then he counted, trying to breathe, trying to fill his lungs, and finally was able to do it a few times, attempting to open his eyes.

Darkness and red faded, and he saw Yuri's face, twisted with grief, tears streaming down his cheeks, mixing with his own as he held him. The motion, he understood now, was Yuri rocking him, shaking him trying to make him okay—and that made him cry more, a deep, mournful emotion washing through him.

He tried to make sense, to decipher the weird sounds Yuri was making, but they were breaking up and he couldn't make out words.

"So rry...I n't kn...ple...ease...rry..."

His expression twisted, trying to force himself to understand, and then they suddenly corrected their order in his mind, "Please, please, I don't know what I was doing, I am so sorry, Yama-chan, please, I am so sorry!"

Yuri was in near hysterics, and somehow it helped Ryosuke to calm himself knowing that him being wrecked was hurting Yuri.

"Hey, shhhh..." He reached up, smacking at Yuri's hand that was shaking his shoulder, "I'm fine, Chii-chan, look at me, look, I'm fine!"

He grabbed Yuri's chin to stop his shaking head, making him look at him, his voice loud, trying to get him to listen, "I'm fine!"

Yuri tried to keep his eyes open to see if what he was being told was true, blinking fast trying to clear the tears so he could make sense of it, when suddenly something was shoved under his nose causing him to cry out in pain.

"You're bleeding to death out of your nose!" Ryosuke barked, pressing the shirt against Yuri's nose that he'd grabbed off the ground beside him that had fallen out of his bag.

Yuri whimpered at the pain the pressure was causing and dropped his arms, letting Ryosuke sit up on his own, tilting his head back to try to stop the flow of blood, his stomach rolling at the copper taste as it went down his throat instead.

He snorted, a strange laugh that seemed out of place in the moment, looking down past his tilted head to see Ryosuke looking at him strangely, "No one has ever bled to death from a punch to the nose."

They both laughed at the absurd way things were at the moment and startled when they heard Namine-san cry out, "What in the world happened out here!?"

Both boys looked at her sheepishly, shame causing their faces to redden, as they tried to stand up, wobbly, supporting the other as they could.

"It was my fault, Namine-san," Yuri blurted out, bowing down dragging Ryosuke with him as his arm was across his back his hand moving up to push his neck down toward the ground, groaning as the position made his entire face hurt, "I wanted to help him."

"I see..." she hummed softly, "and how did you end up with a bloody nose?"

Yuri shifted, shuffling his feet before he pointed to Ryosuke next to him, "He didn't want me to."

There was a very long pause, and both the boys kept their eyes on the ground, Ryosuke smiled when Yuri's hand clenched around his neck, saying without words the kind of trouble they were in. Neither of them was willing to look up and see the disapproval.

They both startled when she suddenly burst out laughing.

She walked over to them, lifting Ryosuke's chin to look at his slowly swelling eye, turning it to see the marks on his cheeks, the gash beside his ear, the split lip that was slowly seeping blood onto his chin, and the bruising forming along his jawline and neck where a few punches apparently landed.

"Tch," the sound was sharp in his ears as she leaned over to Yuri. She did much the same with him, pulling the shirt away from his face to focus on the dark black circles forming under each of his eyes from his nose. She turned his face back and forth, humming softly as she pressed the shirt back to hold the pressure on it. He whimpered at the contact.

"This isn't the worst fight I've seen—that one was between Hikaru and Yabu...you should ask them about it, one of them actually needed stitches."

The boys glanced at each other, a small smile shared between them as they realized how stupid they were—they knew they needed to hear that full story eventually.

"Let's go inside, honestly, for boys who want to keep a low profile, you certainly made a very public display this morning...luckily for you, my neighbors do not normally get up until eight." She walked away and into the house expecting they would follow directions this time.

Ryosuke bent down to the ground, picking up his items that fell out of his bag, gathering up the pills as quickly as he could. Yuri was standing still waiting for him, and then gestured his arm out for him to go first. Ryosuke was too worn out to even argue and slowly began trudging toward the door with the bright flowers.


	3. Until Then...Until Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a heavy chapter...I promise all 158,000 words are not angst, but this? This IS.
> 
> This chapter has dark themes. If you are sometimes triggered by dark themes, please message me and I'd be happy to tell you details on what this chapter contains! MMMWAH!

Music Inspiration:

Yuri sat outside the room, his eyes fixed on the closed door beside him, the low murmuring sound loud in his ears as his knee bounced in anxious nervousness, doing his best to control himself from leaning forward to press his ear to the surface to try to make out the words being spoken between Namine-san and Ryosuke.

His mind was racing—and he knew there was going to be a huge issue made of what he'd done, but he couldn't really make himself feel any regret.

He wasn't stupid, he knew that was the full grown brat inside of him, but he refused to see things any other way.

It was still too soon.

He remembered...he could never forget...and he would _never, ever_ , not if he still had a single breath left within himself, he would _never_ allow Ryosuke to end up in that shape again.

_Never._

_____________________________________________________________________

Yuri had walked into the living room adjusting his tie, stopping abruptly when he saw Ryosuke laying on the couch, snoring softly, one arm thrown above his head, the other clutching a pillow on his stomach.

He hated to wake him.

He knew he was struggling with jetlag from arriving back home late the night before from his shoot in Italy. He'd been gone for nearly two months, and factually speaking, it was a stroke of fate that had his filming wrapping up in time for him to attend the ceremony today. Yuri took a deep breath, knowing that Ryosuke would be absolutely furious with him if he let him sleep without giving him enough time to get ready.

"Ryosuke...hey...Ryo, wake up, we have to go soon," Yuri whispered, pressing his hand onto Ryosuke's chest, shaking it trying to stir him.

He wasn't usually this hard to wake up.

_Weird._

Yuri studied his face for a moment, confused, because it looked different somehow, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. He wasn't sure but considered maybe he was getting sick, coming down with something, maybe picked up a bug on the airplane. His eyes drifted down to where his hand rest on Ryosuke's chest, lifting it quickly when he shifted below him, his eyes widening as Ryosuke clutched the pillow that had been laying on top of his stomach, dragging it near to his face, and Yuri was able to see through the thin undershirt he was wearing that his ribs were sticking out.

_Has he been unwell and didn't mention it?_

He frowned, concerned when he looked back up at Ryosuke's face again, realizing that his normally round cheeks were somehow _wrong_. Now that Yuri was looking closely, Ryosuke did look unhealthy, his skin holding a strange pallor that made his eyes look dark and sunken in.

Before he could think about what to do, Ryosuke grumbled something, drawing both arms up to cover his face, rolling to the side, "Go away!"

His shirt rode up and Yuri gasped as he saw that Ryosuke had most _definitely_ lost weight, his hips jutting out above his shorts in a way that made Yuri's stomach roll.

"We can't be late," Yuri whispered, leaning down, wishing he could just tell him they weren't going and head to the doctor's office instead, "Yama-chan, we have to leave in twenty minutes and you aren't even dressed," Yuri tried to keep the concerned tone out of his voice, but just couldn't, " _We don't have to go_....if you don't want to? We can stay here?"

He'd address the visit to the clinic after, maybe?

Ryosuke growled but sat up quickly, swaying back and forth before he got up and walked unsteadily across the room, turning to look at Yuri, " _We're going_."

Ryosuke turned, holding onto the wall for support as he continued down the hallway to his room. Slamming the door, he swore loudly when he tripped over his suitcase that was still sitting just inside the room from his return the night before. He stomped as he crossed the room to pull his suit out of the closet, dressing as quickly as he could, then pausing for a moment when the pants were too loose around his waist. He pulled the belt out of his dresser, threading it through the loops and setting the notch in further than he normally did.

Turning to the side, he ran his hands down the front of his shirt, making sure it was smooth, not sure what was happening with his pants, but too distracted to even be concerned, grabbing his tie, and settling it under his collar. He glanced into the mirror on his dresser starting to tie it, pausing, his entire body, his entire being frozen in place when his eyes landed on the card and folded papers there. He reached over picking them up and then turning to leave, not even bothering to check his hair or otherwise before he walked out to the living room to put on his shoes.

"There's Sleeping Beauty," Daiki called out, throwing one of Ryosuke's shoes at him, "Thought you might be making us late on _purpose_ there, Princess."

Ryosuke dodged the shoe, waiting for it to hit the wall behind him before he moved over to pick it up. Crossing into the kitchen, his foot jerked out, kicking the floor plate so the lid would open, crumpling the card and papers in his hand before he dropped them into the trashcan.

"Kiss my ass," he hissed, glaring at Daiki as he walked around the counter, shoving him as he passed him by, irritated when he didn't move out of his way, huffing as he stomped around him to pick up his other shoe.

He dropped onto the couch dramatically, purposefully ignoring the other three guys in the room completely.

They were deep in a discussion of what kind of food might be served at the reception and all he could think was how his stomach was rolling around trying to digest itself—the thought of food utterly disgusting to him.

_When did I last eat?_

He stood up, sighing as he ran his hands against his pants nervously, moving over to the kitchen counter to pick up the gift he'd bought, he paused, huffing and rolling his eyes when Daiki stepped in front of him, still talking about some kind of cream puff thing they hoped was going to be served while he absently adjusted and then fixed his tie for him.

He would normally protest, but he was just so tired.

_Too tired._

He rolled his eyes when Daiki studied him as he worked, allowing him to finish tying it and then slapped his hands away in aggravation, "That's enough already, get out of my way," he scowled, walking to gather his wallet from the table by the door, turning to level a severe look at the others who were watching him curiously.

"Well, let's go then!" he barked.

He threw his keys at Daiki, "You're driving."

He unceremoniously walked out the door leaving it open for the others to follow.

The ride to the venue was tense, and no one really knew how to address the proverbial elephant in the backseat with Ryosuke and Yuri. Instead, Keito continued to change the radio station to new songs to fill the silence. For his part, Ryosuke wasn't interested in talking anyway. He had his forehead pressed against the window, the outside world flying by in a blur as they traveled down the road.

When they arrived, there were lines of press and they were directed to drop off at the entrance where they would have the valet attendants park the car. They walked past the crowd and the press into the gates, the entire park transformed into a fairy garden, the sun was beginning to set, and there were twinkling lights, and colorful ribbons lining the walkway to the center of the area where the ceremony would be held.

He felt a tightness in his chest, like someone was pressing down on it with a great force, raising his hand to rub at it absently, wondering if he'd made a bad decision to attend.

"Damn" he muttered under his breath, not having expected to feel so much just by there.

The others began walking down the path and he reluctantly shuffled his feet forward, feeling like he was walking to the guillotine for his own execution.

They found a seat, blessedly on the very last row and the far corner. It wasn't like they were actually away from the heart of the ceremony, it appeared that it was going to be a very small, intimate gathering, and from the looks of it, there were only maybe a little over a two-hundred people there, if that.

Not very many people compared with how many undoubtedly wanted to attend the 'event of the season'.

Ryosuke pulled out his phone, putting in his earbuds, turning on his playlist and closing his eyes, trying to drown out the environment and the twisting in his stomach. He had no idea how much time passed, lost in a song when he felt someone tug on the earbud cord to get his attention.

He opened his eyes looking to see Yuri frowning, "It's starting now."

Ryosuke nodded, clicking off his phone and putting the earbuds in his pocket, glancing up to the front where the minister had appeared and a man who he assumed was the groom. His eyes narrowed, taking in the man, his apprising eyes looking at every detail.

He was tall, had the build of an athlete. He had dark hair, trimmed short on the sides, with a fashionable sway of bangs across his forehead. He was dressed in a sharp black tuxedo, with a brilliant blue vest and tie.

_Her favorite color._

_Completely normal._

Nothing unique that Ryosuke could see.

_Average._

_Average height._

_Average hair._

_Average everything._

_Downright ordinary._

_I hate him._

He was pulled from his internal fuming when the first violin note rang out, followed by other instruments making a painfully beautiful melody amid all the colors and nature. Everyone stood up then, turning, and he saw the guys stand up next to him out of the corner of his eye.

Now that he was here, now that it was happening, he suddenly felt like he had most assuredly made a terrible mistake.

_A horrible, terrible mistake._

_I can't do this._

_I can't do this._

_I need to go._

_I need to get out of here._

_I need to go._

_I have to go._

_The invite was just a courtesy, I shouldn't have come._

_She didn't think I would really come._

_I need to get out of here._

He jumped when Yuri grabbed his arm, pulling at him, dragging him up, his legs wobbling and his eyes frantically moving across his friend's face. Yuri shifted quickly around Ryosuke to stand behind him, pressing his hand into his back, leaning forward near his ear, whispering as quietly as possible, "You okay?"

There was no answer.

The only way Ryosuke could have answered would have been for him to be able to take a breath, but that was impossible.

He couldn't breathe.

Something was happening, a feeling—heavy, pressing him downward, his heart was wild in his chest and his eyes were wide, unblinking, as he took in the vision in front of him.

_God, please...no._

_NO._

She stood there, more beautiful, more exquisite than his memories could conjure on the darkest of nights—her hair a sharp contrast to the white veil, her gown sparkling in the fading daylight, reflecting the colorful lights overhead—and her father beside her, preparing to walk her down the aisle to _that man_.

He felt his knees growing weak as her eyes moved absently across the sea of people, then suddenly, almost as if on instinct they snapped straight to his own.

They lit up, a bright light shining from within, for a mere second it was easy to imagine a different day, a different time when he would be looking back at her from the other end of the aisle. In that breathless beat of time, her expression looked the same to him as it always had, full of affection, even full of hope and love and dreams.

Somehow, he couldn't even know how, he managed to smile.

A real one, a smile for her.

_One last smile for her._

Her eyes widened for a moment, her expression changing as a shadow of something dark crossed her eyes, and a new face took place of the one he knew.

Then she was moving, walking forward, drifting past their row, her eyes slanting to the side, still looking at him until the very last moment when she had moved past him.

He wanted to scream.

_Stop!_

_Don't do this!_

_I love you!_

_Please!_

_Somewhere inside of you, somewhere there has to be love left for me!?_

_I'll take even the smallest amount._

_Please, don't do this!_

_Out of my life._

_Out of my world._

_Into her new life._

_Without me._

_Every possibility is now gone._

_It's over._

_She's gone._

_Forever._

He tried to get himself together, tried to calm down, tried to get a breath—he could feel his knees shaking as he shifted to face the front with everyone else. His eyes on her back, a row of tiny satin buttons lining the gentle arch from her neck to her lower back, the long train trailing behind her, a heart made from lace and shimmering beads painting the ground in happiness as she moved forward.

He blinked quickly, willing the tears to stay—but he shuddered as the first one drifted down his cheek.

_I want to be happy for her._

_This is what she wants._

_This is what she needs._

_She wants this._

_This is what she wanted._

_This is who she is now._

_I can't have her._

_She's not mine...maybe...maybe she never was..._

His stomach rolled as the words flashed through his mind, pain stabbing through his heart as he tried to breathe, tried to calm down, tried to follow the motions of the others, the actions so that he wouldn't cause a disruption.

_I'll never love anyone like I loved you...it's impossible._

_I can't love someone better than I loved you._

_You're all I wanted, all I ever knew..._

_Now..._

_...Now?_

_Don't I want her to be happy?_

_Isn't that the right thing to do?_

_I..I have towant her to have a happy life._

_But...I just...I can't be...I can't do this._

_I can't._

He tried to remember how to act, how to pretend, how to be something other than what or who you are.

_I win awards for acting._

_Do this!_

He looked inside, digging out a character to be—someone who was unselfish, who loved unconditionally, who would be able to handle this—be okay with this, and when he found him he took a deep breath, shaking his head lightly as he reached beside him to draw Yuri back to his seat. Putting forth an award-winning smile, for Yuri's benefit when he realized he had been watching him instead of the bride.

_I would have done anything for you._

_Anything._

_I would have given up everything...whatever it would take..._

_I can't even dream of such things, not anymore._

_Never again._

_You're burying my dreams at the alter with you._

Yuri studied his face before he turned to watch the rest of the ceremony. Relieved to have eyes off him, Ryosuke looked back up. She had made it to the end of the aisle and her father was taking her hand, bowing deeply to the man who had been waiting there, then released her hand to him, backing up and moving to sit down next to his wife.

_She's not horrible...she's not...she's perfect and wonderful, and caring, and kind, and loving..._

_and..._

_and..._

_...selfish._

_There's a part of her that was selfish, and still is..._

_Shut up!_

_Shut up!_

_She's perfect!_

_I love her!_

They all sat back down, the minister speaking, everything sounding like it was in a tunnel—and then he heard her voice, soft, perfect—and he knew from the sound of her voice that she was crying.

Shaking his head, he began moving without thinking, he stood, walking as quickly, as quietly as he could out the back and through the gates to the area. He told himself to walk, _don't run_ , be quiet, _control yourself_ —and he did. No one even noticed he had moved, so fixated were they on the beauty of the ceremony taking place in front of them.

He glanced back to see the entire area where the ceremony was taking place, discovering it was one of the most beautiful pictures he had ever seen in his life. The trees, the flowers, the lights, the soft shine around the area with the glow of the fading sun making everything look pink and red and orange.

_She deserves the beauty of this day._

_The sun sets just for her smile._

_Her life is beginning, and it feels like mine is over._

He committed the vision to memory, never wanting to forget the beauty of the moment, no matter how painful—as he knew there existed the most exquisite artistry seen through the pain filled heart.

He blinked, his eyes dry from staring, then turned to follow one of the paths that went around the park. When he came to a bench he sat down, bending forward he pressed his elbows into his knees, dropping his head into his hands as the first wave of grief washed over him. It felt like someone was squeezing his heart, a large boulder settling into his stomach, a weight upon his chest as his body shook, his cries filling the air with gasps and words he didn't even realize he was speaking.

He was still sobbing a few minutes later when he nearly jumped out of his skin at the touch of someone on his back. He jerked back, knocking his head into Keito's chin, as he was sitting on the bench next to him.

"Sorry, I'm sorry!" the words were strained, wet and thick with tears, "I didn't mean to."

"It's fine, I understand," Keito whispered, his hand moving across his shoulder and drawing him into a hug. He felt other arms coming around him, realizing that Yuri and Daiki were also there. They were whispering sounds that Ryosuke couldn't understand, couldn't make sense of, but he just let them hold him, his arms limp by his side. He couldn't find the strength to pull away.

_I'm not strong enough._

_I've never been strong enough._

_I'll never be strong enough._

"That's a lie!" Yuri's voice was frantic, he had pushed the others away, falling down to his knees so he could look up into Ryosuke's face, "You are stronger than anyone I know!"

He shook his head, not clear on why he was saying that.

_Had I spoken out loud?_

_No_ , he'd surely know, _right?_

He tried to pull away from them, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach, the fist that had been holding him together flexing inside of him, as he jerked forward, knocking Yuri back onto the sidewalk as he stumbled away from them like a cornered animal. He shuffled, his movements laced with desperation, into the grass, instantly falling to the ground on his knees as his stomach heaved.

Nothing was there to come up, but the pain was sharp, and he spit the sour taste that was in his mouth onto the ground as he gagged and heaved again.

_I can't, I can't smile._

_I may never smile again._

He saw movement, knew they were close by, but everything was foggy, swaying in the light, as if he were having his vision purposefully blurred. Everything felt far away, and he leaned up onto his heels, his hands reaching forward, trying to touch something, catch himself, because he felt like he was falling. The world felt like it was floating away from him, and he couldn't tell if it was real, if _he_ was real or not.

_Until then._

_Until now._

_I tried Masae, for you, I tried._

_I'm sorry, I failed._

As the emotions rushed through him, it felt to him as if ever dream he'd ever held close to his heart, every thought of love, and romance, of his future with Masae, their life, their shared dreams, weddings, and birthdays, anniversaries, and their children, of growing old together–it felt as if they were being ripped from his body–torn through his soul and stripped away from him one by one.

Like threads that had been holding him together, one by one they were pulled from his form, unraveling him from the inside out.

All sound was reduced to a hum, and yet painful in his ears at the same time. He slammed his hands to cover them when the sound became louder, his skin crawling, his heart pounding with inexplicable fear—as he gasped for breath, the tendrils of suffocation wrapping around him caused tears to pour down his face.

Something touched him, and he flew, thrashing away—scrambling backwards, running into a trunk of a tree, trying to stand up but he couldn't, he was too heavy, there was so much weight on him, something internal weighing him down to the ground, anchoring him to that spot.

He desperately tried to see who was there, who was talking to him, his vision only affording him the view of shadows and darkness, spinning as the world felt as it were tilting on its axis, and then... _nothing_.

Yuri blinked when the door opened, Namine-san standing there with a frown, "Come on in, Yuri."

He stood up, his eyes shifting past her as he moved forward to see Ryosuke slumped over in the chair, his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him. He knew he would have to apologize, he knew this was going to be hard...and when he sat down, he turned to look to the side, hoping to catch his eyes to say he was sorry, but he wouldn't lift his head.

"Ryosuke has something to tell you, Yuri," Namine-san spoke softly as she leaned against her desk, her legs crossed, as she rest her palms on the edge.

"O-okay," Yuri shifted, turning his body toward Ryosuke.

He finally glanced up, and Yuri felt like the air had been knocked out of him when he saw the pain there, his breath caught in his throat as the words filled the space, "Chinen, you shouldn't have forced me to take that pill. I felt really violated by you forcing me to take it."

"You were goi—"

"Yuri!" Namine-san snapped, "Use the right words—'I' statements!"

"I...I..." Yuri shook his head, "but...I was going to...but you were not listen—"

"Yuri!"

"You were being stup—"

"YURI!"

"WHAT?!"

"Don't attack him! Use your own words!"

Yuri growled in frustration, his fingernails biting into his palms, "FINE! I think you're stupid!"

Namine-san shook her head, sighing as she lamented, "That's not what I meant!"

"I _am_ stupid! Even so, I just don't want you to take away my choices," Ryosuke's eyes lifted to look at Yuri, who blinked rapidly.

"You...I....that's not what I expected..." Yuri admitted softly.

"I know why you did what you did," Ryosuke smiled softly, "I understand it, but...I already feel....so..."

Ryosuke's frame shook as he took a deep breath, "I feel like everything is out of control—and I need to have the right to make my own decisions about my medications and well-being."

"But you weren't go—" Yuri stopped himself, his eyes snapping over to Namine-san who widened her eyes as she tilted her head, "I was afraid."

"I know," Ryosuke nodded, 'I know, and I get it...but...Yuri..." Ryosuke straightened his back, " _I'm not who I was before_ , and I'm not going to let myself go back there—so I need to know that you will support me while giving me the...the freedom to make my _own decisions_ at the same time."

Yuri stared at him, mulling over the words and trying to decide if he could trust them to be true, nodding reluctantly, "I'll try..."

"But..." Ryosuke knew there was more...he gestured for him to continue.

"But...I can't stand by and watch you self-destruct like before, I ca—"

"I promise I won't make you do that," Ryosuke stopped him, laughing softly when Yuri made an exasperated expression, "I won't!"

"You didn't mean to do it before!" Yuri spoke forcefully, his eyes narrowed, "It's not like you woke up one day and thought 'oh, today I think I'll have a nervous breakdown'–I mean, there were no signs or anything!"

Ryosuke stared at him, knowing he wasn't finished, and sure enough Yuri took a deep breath before he continued, "You're...you're just a good actor...too good."

"Thank you," Ryosuke grinned when Yuri's eyes widened.

"That wasn't a compliment, you idiot," he grumbled.

"I know, I know, Chii-chan, I was just joking," Ryosuke's expression was sincere, his voice firm as he implored Yuri to understand, "Listen, I've learned a lot since then, and I am not who I was. I know...Listen, I know I put you, all of you, through a lot before, but...I need you to see and understand I'm better than I was, I won't make the same mistakes."

Yuri's eyes were fixated on Ryosuke, as if he could somehow divine how true his words were, whether they could be trusted or not, inhaling deeply, then nodding, "I...I'll do my best," Yuri spoke softly, warring with his worries and fears, but wanting to believe the words he was saying.

"That's all I want," Ryosuke admitted.

"I'm sorry," Yuri whispered, knowing maybe, _maybe._ he had overreacted, "I am sorry to have made things worse."

"You didn't," Ryosuke laughed softly, "I wouldn't be here right now if you hadn't shown up," speaking quickly when he saw Yuri gearing up to fuss at him, "I would have _eventually_ come here! I was processing things–trying to see if I could handle it on my own–it wasn't because I didn't plan to talk it through with Namine-san–I have been building up to it...but...you just...helped get me here sooner. I appreciate your help—I'm just asking you to make sure your 'help' doesn't include forcing me to take meds anymore..."

Ryosuke laughed then, reaching over to shove Yuri's shoulder, "Ooorrrrr...leave me bleeding...or..." he gestured at Yuri's face, "...you with a black eye..."

Yuri laughed, nodding as he acknowledged how stupid they were, and he knew he would try, that was certain, but he also wouldn't let things go too far, not without doing all he could to ensure that things never went back to how they were before.

_I don't care._

_I'm not letting him get lost again._

_There's no way._

_Not now, not ever._

Ryosuke leaned over to the side of his chair, digging through his bag until he found what he was looking for. He handed the crumpled piece of paper to Yuri, his eyes hesitant.

"What's this?" Yuri took the folded paper, looking at it curiously.

"Proof."

"Of what?" Yuri glanced up at Ryosuke, finding his eyes affixed to the paper in his hand.

"That I'm better," Ryouske pointed to the paper, "I want you to see."

Yuri took a deep breath as he lifted the letter, and slowly unfolded it.

His breath caught in his throat as he began to read the words written there, tears springing to his eyes, and he glanced back over at Ryosuke, "You're writing again?"

Ryosuke nodded, "I am," he rolled his hand at him, urging him to continue to read.

"This...this is..."

"Who I should have been last year."

"No," Yuri corrected him, his eyes snapping to his, "No, this is who you are now."

Ryosuke thought about that...considered it carefully, and then he nodded.

_Maybe, this IS who I am now._


	4. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some dark themes. If you are sometimes triggered by dark themes, please message me and I'd be happy to tell you details on what this chapter contains! MMMWAH!
> 
> Please note, this chapter goes back in time, the next chapter picks up with Ryosuke and Yuri at the therapist, this is a flashback chapter.

They'd been at choreography practice for several hours when one of the assistants came in from the offices upstairs and called out to him. He gestured to the instructor he would be right back and walked over to grab a towel, brushing it across his forehead and face, then his neck, laying it across his shoulder as he approached the man.

"Yamada-san, Fujishima-san has requested that you attend a meeting upstairs in her office."

"Sure, okay," Ryosuke glanced at the clock on the wall behind the man, checking to see when his next break was happening, "I can come up there in about thi—"

" _She is expecting you now._ "

The man was very curt, his tone far too formal for the setting, and Ryosuke was confused by his demeanor, "It's just that...we're in the middle of practice...and I thou—"

"She is expecting you _immediately_ ," the man snapped, and Ryosuke saw some kind of emotion he didn't recognize rush across the man's features before he schooled them, nodding his head curtly, his voice firm, _"_ I will let your instructor know you will not be returning to practice for the moment."

The man brushed past Ryosuke before he could think of a proper response, not even sparing him another glance, heading toward his dance instructor as if he'd completely dismissed Ryosuke.

_Well, he has...I guess._

Ryosuke turned to watch the man walk across to the practice area, fairly confused.

_Weird._

He grabbed a water bottle out of the small fridge before he pushed the door open and made his way upstairs, drinking it quickly as he walked. He couldn't help but notice that people were acting a little off, ducking their heads, and some people were whispering as he passed them on his way to Julie's office.

_Super weird._

He knocked on the door and heard her give him permission to enter. When he walked in Julie was sitting at her desk, with her assistant standing behind her to the side.

"Julie-san," he said in greeting, always offering at least a modicum of a professional attitude when there were others in the room with them, bowing his head to her as he sat in the chair across from her, stretching his legs out in front of him as he relaxed for the first time all day.

"Is there something you need to tell me, Yamada-san?"

Her voice was crisp and cold, somehow conveying a strange distance between them that stretched far further than the mere space between them from the desk.

_Yamada-san?_

His brows furrowed in confusion at the far too formal address, trying to make sense of what she was asking, pulling his legs back as he leaned forward, tilting his head, "Pardon?"

" _I said_ , 'is there something you need to tell me?'"

His eyes darted to her hands which were laying on the desk, they looked like they were trembling, but they couldn't be because they were pressed down so hard on the desk they were white from the pressure she was using, his mouth went dry, nausea rushing across him as he felt his tummy flip-flop–the realization that something serious was happening despite him having no idea what it was.

His heart was cold in his chest, his entire body stiff with tension as his mind rushed through the reasons she could be so tense...

_Someone died?_

_Someone did something?_

_Someone has been caught in another scandal?_

_A member of Jump?!_

"Umm..." he tried to think, cursing his mind for not having an answer for her, wishing he'd paid more attention over the last few weeks to the rumor mill–maybe he'd had an idea of something that was going down–yet, nothing he could think of would involve him or one of his members.

He understood, of course he did, that if it was one of his members then he'd be taken to task for it...and then he'd definitely make them wish they'd thought twice before doing something that got him treated this way...still...his mind kept coming up blank– _nothing, nothing, nothing_ –he couldn't come up with a single reference to something that he might need to talk to her about.

_Nothing..._

He shrugged his shoulders, figuring he just needed to get whatever it was out on the table so that he could work on a solution, not liking the way her eyes felt like they were seeing through him, his nervous laughter, trying to downplay the moment completely at odds with her tense posture.

He just always wanted to make her happy, but in this case he was completely unsure of how to do so, his voice apologetic, "I'm sorry, I don't thin—"

Before he could finish his sentence, she'd made a sharp noise, scoffing at him, her hands releasing the desk, moving quickly to the drawer beside her which she jerked open–the metallic sound loud, making him cringe from the way it seemed amplified by his thundering heart, and when the drawer hit its limit the crash seemed to him as if it were a canon shot, his entire body jerking in the chair from the way it startled him.

When her hand reached into the drawer, the whole world seemed to slow down, his eyes focused on what she was retrieving, the slapping noise of the stack of magazines hitting the desk surface–the sound that would shatter his world, the one that would haunt him forever.

Julie's hands moved quickly shuffling the books out across the entire surface of her desk.

His heart dropped into his stomach, he couldn't breathe, his legs shaking beneath him as he stood up to move closer, part of him wanting to run away, yet his body took him forward, toward his own destruction–his eyes moving from one front page to the other, pictures, so many, so many pictures, maybe dozens of pictures of him were splattered across the covers of the magazines and newspapers.

Not just pictures of _him_ , but pictures of him with Masae.

_No._

_Please, no._

The pictures were not just of some idol with another famous person, as Masae had become quite a famous star in her own right through multiple shows and movies. She'd begun modeling at eight years old for a local magazine, and by the time she was fifteen she was a well known persona across their country–appearing in many television shows, movies, and plays through the year.

She was the "smile" girl for the country, the symbol of happiness for that generation, not just because of her beauty–no, not at all, she held that position because more than anything else, she was different than all the other girls. He knew it wasn't just his love for her that made him see her that way, despite him thinking she was the most breathtakingly beautiful woman in existence–he could be objective. He saw the truth that others saw, and he knew it was fact–she _was_ different, people saw something unique and lovely in her–identified it and wanted to stand in the light of it.

Wanted to bask in the beauty of her.

He'd long felt blessed to be a part of the inner circle who were blessed with that privilege.

_What have I done?_

_This...this is my fault._

_I...I did this._

He could brush off many different images–surely, those from them being together at a party–a scandal that had nearly had him confessing the truth last year–as pictures of them dancing had been taken and rumors were aplenty. The Jimusho had brought it to his attention–but it wasn't like this.

_It was nothing like this._

They considered it a mere coincidence...of course, they had thought that, because first of all, they believed Ryosuke was loyal to them to a fault, and would never, ever, under any circumstances betray the confidence they had placed in him. Then, of course, there were, after all, many _other_ pictures of him dancing with young women from that event. As ever, more than once they'd ended up together at one or another kind of event together, and it hadn't been an issue.

He'd kept the company in the dark by sleight of hand.

_Easy._

Those? That? He could always be able to explain, he'd be able to laugh them off, dismiss them entirely as some stupid this or that–'overactive imaginations' or 'the press always looking for the angle' or even 'fans love it even when they hate it'—but, this?

_These pictures?_

They couldn't be explained away.

No, these pictures were nothing like that.

_These pictures are...are...my heart._

His eyes were blurring from the unshed tears threatening to spill at such a private, intimate moment being put on display for the entire world to see.

_I did this..._

_How can I fix this?_

_Think!_

_THINK!_

They'd always been _so careful_ , they'd built their entire relationship around protecting Masae. The fact was, more than once he had been more than willing to go public with their relationship–but she'd always said that her reputation could handle it but that _he_ would lose half of his fanbase. There were times he thought maybe that was true, but even then he struggled with caring because all he really wanted was for them to be together, to be _happy_ together, and to be able to be even a little bit normal.

She'd spent more than one night imploring him to stay silent, to protect himself because she knew from the start how important it was that the company not know, that he not breach his contract that outlined details about what was and was not acceptable in his personal life. 

They'd _never_ went out in public as a couple. 

_Ever._

_Not even one time...not once._

Not until her birthday this past week.

She was turning 20.

Ryosuke had some romantic notion about it, somehow in his heart it felt to him like it was such an important day, such a milestone birthday–and all he wanted in all the world was to do something, _anything_ for her.

That was a lie, even when the idea had begun to form in the inner recesses of his mind, he knew even then that it wasn't that he wanted to do just _something_ , or just _anything_ –no, he knew from the moment he entertained the idea as a serious one that he wanted to do something _extraordinary_ for her.

He'd basically told the inner voice that kept reminding him of what a terrible, risky, horrific idea it was to shut the hell up, because he'd done everything right–he'd spent his whole life so far catering to what everyone else had built up as the proper expectations for him.

_This time?_

_Just this once?_

He was going to do what he wanted–and it was for her.

_It was always for her._

_Everything._

_Everything._

So, he'd set his plan in motion, researching, reaching out carefully within his inner circle to subtly get ideas of who he could trust, who he could confide in...and then...he'd had an email exchange with one of his old school friends.

It wasn't planned, in fact, the man wasn't even on his radar as being someone he could trust such a delicate situation with–yet...somehow, he'd found himself talking to him–and then, they'd met for lunch one afternoon.

They'd laughed and enjoyed themselves as they got caught up, as they filled in the gaps the many years had placed before them, stories of all of the changes, the successes, the failures. They'd talked about their families, and relationships, and when his friend had talked about his family, beaming with pride as he'd told him about his elder brother's successes, somehow Ryosuke was caught up in the idea–in the way the vision seemed to come to life as the friend revealed details.

_He runs a lovely Italian bistro in one of the quiet suburbs outside of Tokyo._

_It's considered a hidden prize among those who are honored to know of it._

_His brother had spent six years training in Italy under a master chef._

_His food was exquisite._

_It was like walking straight into Italy._

_Ambiance._

_Mood._

_Beauty._

_Romance._

He'd rented an entire restaurant.

Somehow, he'd tiptoed around the truth to his old school friend, testing the water, telling him that he needed someone he could trust, and somehow, he felt like this was something that his friend could do–something that he could be subtle about.

_It didn't feel like a risk.  
_

_Not at all._

He'd begged him for his discretion, explaining how important it was that this be completely private.

He was so _sincere_ as he reassured him.

It felt easy, it felt somehow fated.

So, Ryosuke had opened himself up, sharing the truth, for the first time, revealing in completion the details about his relationship with Masae.

His friend had been happy for him, clapping him on the shoulder as he congratulated him, knowing her from movies and telling him how fortunate he was.

_Blessed._

_He'd said I was blessed._

He told him that he would hand select the servers for the night and ensure that everything was handled with the utmost care.

_It was perfect._

It was a magical night, he'd hired a decorator to make the entire patio of the restaurant into an enchanted garden, wrapping the iron fence with hundreds of flowers, obscuring the view from outside, stringing lights in the canopy, roses and candles on the table...it was breathtakingly beautiful.

It had to be perfect, and Ryosuke had spent months working on every single detail, wanting everything to be just so.

Masae-chan was so surprised, and so happy that night.

_She shined so bright._

He'd done everything he could to make it a special night. He'd hired a violinist to record a cd of music he'd selected to bring to mind memories of their life together–one for each year they'd known each other, they had slow danced there in their own magical place, their own little sanctuary inside a chaotic world which would be bent on destroying their love if they knew of it. 

That night, they'd forgotten who they were, instead, they took on their private personas–and they'd laughed, they'd spoken freely, they'd enjoyed themselves–in that small window of time, for those precious few hours, they were just like any other couple.

Except with a chilling, sinking feeling, his eyes scanning the pictures before him, he had to, he was absolutely forced to acknowledge the truth...that they _weren't_.

_We aren't normal._

He picked up one of the magazines, his fingers fumbling as his hands trembled, flipping the pages until he got to the four pages that were meant to highlight the most sensational parts of their evening—slowly moving through them as his eyes blurred with tears.

His hands covering her eyes as he led her into the patio. 

_Masae, just for tonight I want you to have the whole world._

_I would give you everything, if I could...but for tonight, I can give you this moment._

Her look of surprise. 

_Ryosuke, what have you done!?_

_You really shouldn't do these things, you shouldn't have._

The sudden kiss and hug that followed as he spun her around. 

_It's beautiful...but...you shouldn't have done this!_

_Is this really okay? Is this alright?_

Them laughing together, both their faces lit up with happiness. 

_I love you, Masae–I'd give you this every day if I could._

_One day I'll give you this every day._

Slow dancing, their bodies pressed close together—yet, so innocent, so sweet. 

_I love you, Masae–I can't wait until I can marry you._

His hands holding her head as he kissed her forehead, tears in his eyes from the overwhelming emotions he was experiencing. 

_One day..._

_Some day..._

Him dipping her unexpectedly, her head thrown back as she laughed, his face buried in her neck to tickle her just so she would laugh even more.

_Stop, stop, Ryosuke, I can't breathe!_

His mind was racing, and he tried to imagine who it was that took these pictures, and then undoubtedly became quite wealthy from selling them to so many news outlets. 

He was furious, the tears felt like they were boiling in his eyes as the anger raced through his veins.

_Who would do such a thing!?_

He felt violated, he felt like the sanctity of his love had been ripped from within his heart and thrown haphazardly onto the ground for all the world to see. He was beyond words, his entire being bending around the thought of how he was going to find out who did this and he would see to it that they were des–

His heart froze in his chest.

_Masae._

_Oh, my God...Masae...she's...she....please....no..._

His entire body was revolting against him, his emotions roiling inside his body, his stomach flipping and his body trembling under the weight of this betrayal–of how hurt Masae was going to be...how broken she would be from this.

_After I told her I was careful._

_I told her I would take care of everything._

_I promised._

He growled, his hands shoving the the magazine he'd been looking at across the desk angrily, "Fine, yes, we're together—basically been together for years—so what?! Who cares!? You know what!?"

He knew he should sit down and shut up.

He knew that this wasn't Julie's fault.

He knew that but he couldn't stop the words as they flew out of his mouth, "You know what!? Just maybe it's time for this entire damn company to reconsider their archaic policies on personal relationships anyway!"

Leaning forward, pressing his hands onto the desk as his eyes burned with emotion, holding her gaze, hissing, "I hope you're not waiting for an apology! For me to grovel and beg–for me to say I will fix it and be a ' _good boy_ ' like I always have!"

The words were cold, rushing from his mouth before his brain could even think them through, could even consider the wisdom of them, " _I'm not sorry!_ "

He slapped the desk with both hands, "Do you fucking hear me!? I AM NOT SORRY!"

He grabbed the magazine he'd been looking at, throwing it against the wall behind her, holding her eyes as he glared, "I'm not going to apologize, I'll never apologize for loving her–so if you're expecting that, you're going to be sorely disappointed."

"I'm _already_ disappointed," Julie snapped curtly, her eyes changing, he could see it as it washed across her, the sadness, and he cringed at the feeling it gave him, always looking at her as not just a manager but also a confidant and a dear friend, her voice low as she spoke again, "I never thought you would keep something like _this_ from me."

He threw his hands up in the air, laughing bitterly at that, "Are you serious right now!? You can't possibly be serious!? Like it would have mattered!? It's not like it would have changed anything, except maybe get me fired sooner!"

She slapped her hands down on the desk, causing him to jump, her voice no longer quiet, but heavy, and harsh when she spoke, a strange tone from her that actually made him flinch, "No! Damn it, Ryosuke! NO!"

She was shaking, her entire body, trembling as she stared him down, "Actually, if you had used your brain, you would realize that they are not _ever_ going to let you go that easily! NEVER!"

Her head shook as she pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes for a moment before she opened them, a fire burning behind them, "You idiot! You have always had more power than you could imagine! If you'd told me, then we could have negotiated _something_ , ANYTHING! Don't you understand!? I could have helped you, Ryosuke! But no! NO! Instead of letting me help you, you went around behind my back and created _this fucking mess_!"

Her hands swept violently across the desk, everything went flying across the room in her frustration. He jerked his arms up to slap away a magazine that flung out at him, knocking it to land in the floor.

_**"I have no idea what you want from me!"** _

He meant to say the words calmly, but instead they pushed out of his mouth as a scream, laced with years of frustrations, decades of being 'the good boy' for this company. He stepped forward, his hands slamming onto the desk as he leaned further over to look her in the eyes, his voice low and cold.

"I do _everything_ for this company! I've given up _so much_ for this company! We all have! My group gives _more_ of ourselves than _ANYONE_ here does, and you damn well know it! We have always worked our asses off for what little this company gives us—and now, _NOW_ , that we are successful and finally reaching the long yearned for goal, everyone is acting like we walk on streets of gold—but you have been there all along Julie!"

He pushed off the desk his voice a slap to her face, " _YOU WERE THERE!_ You _KNOW_ how it has been for us! So, you know what!? Just excuse the hell out of me, if during all of this bullshit this company has put me through–that I want a small bit of happiness for _ME!_ "

His breath was sharp in his lungs, and he didn't know what he wanted to do, to cry, or scream more, or break something, he had no idea, but the words found purchase as they pushed past his last lingering thread of self-control, " _NO ONE_ , not you, not any of them," he flung his arm out behind him, gesturing to the office beyond her door, "NO ONE can give me that, can they? NO! You can't! You _WOULDN'T!_ "

Julie reeled at the accusation, her head shaking, but he jerked forward, his face close to hers, "Don't you deny it! Don't you _DARE_ deny it!"

She inhaled sharply, then shook her head, his lips curling in a smile, as she at least conceded the point, his voice soft, defeated after the raging, "Julie, I had to hide because you _made_ me hide, made me feel _ashamed_ for loving her! Don't you see that?"

"I..."

"Don't, please," he shook his head, standing up straight, the adrenaline fading as quickly as it had come, "Please, I don't care what you think would have happened—I was told in no uncertain terms, if I did this then I would lose my position in the company—and I am just _selfish_ enough to want to not only have my career but also have the woman I love, too!"

His hands flashed out, slamming down onto the desk again, despondent as he revealed the truth of how the company had made him feel all of this time, tears swelling over the rim of his eyes dropping onto the surface, " _Why_ can't I have happiness?"

"Just this one thing..." he buckled forward, his body shaking with sobs as he cried, his fists hitting the desk as he spoke, "Why can't I just have this, it's all I've ever asked for. All I ever needed to be happy."

The strong, stoic face that Julie had put forth crumpled, and she reached out, stopping his fists from hitting the desk again, his head jerking up to look at her, a tear sliding slowly down her cheek, "I'm sorry, Ryosuke. I don't make the policies, and I wish, more than anything...that this were not happening."

"Fuck!" his elbows hit the desk surface as he leaned over onto the surface, his hands pulling his hair, as he groaned—the weight of what was happening starting to settle on him.

"She's here..."

The words struck into him like a knife to the heart, his head snapping up, eyes wide, "W-what?"

"She's upstairs, with the executive team, they are deciding what they will issue as a statement—" she took a shuddering breath, "You should know–they intend to say it was a trick, a ploy meant to rattle the press, a publicity stunt for both of your upcoming movies."

"What the hell?!" he jerked upright, his head shaking as he tried to make sense of it.

She shrugged, swiping a tear away from her eye angrily, "It doesn't matter! You know as well as I do, if it's believable, it will be presented and it will be accepted by most everyone out there just because they want to believe it. That's all that really matters to them in the end."

He lifted himself off the desk, his entire countenance rage personified as he turned and stormed out of the office.

"Ryosuke! NO! Stop!"

He could hear Julie calling for him, knowing full well that she was rushing to follow, but it just made him run faster, because he didn't care about anything but getting to Masae. He slammed the door to the stairs open, the crash echoing the stairwell as he took them two at a time until he burst through the door on the top floor.

Everything seemed to stand still as he entered the reception area, conversations halted, people stopping in mid-step and he just rolled his eyes at the stupidity of it all, wanting to scream at them, but brushing it off, intent on his focus, immediately calling out for her, "Masae-chan!"

"Damn it, Ryosuke!" Julie muttered in his ear breathlessly, grabbing him and trying to pull him back into the stairwell.

He jerked away from her, snapping at her, "Don't touch me!"

He grimaced at the expression of betrayal that crossed her face, but just shook his head, "Just don't, not now."

She nodded, gesturing her hand forward, frowning when he turned, sprinting toward the hallway where the conference rooms were located, calling out thank you when one of the women he'd dealt with before pointed that way, her expression sad.

"Masae-chan!"

He heard her then, his name called reaching him in the hallway, soft, so soft, yet, unmistakably her, and he rushed toward her. The people who had been in the room with her had spilled out into the hallway to find out what was happening.

He cursed as he pushed through them, desperate to get to her.

When his eyes finally saw her, he swore again, overwhelmed by his inability to control the situation, because she was so small, sitting there in the chair beside her manager, her arms wrapped around herself as she cried.

He pushed past the gawking executives to make his way over to her, falling to his knees as he pulled her into his embrace, "I'm so sorry, Masae, I'm so sorry!"

Her entire body shook with her tears, watery words being said, but he couldn't understand what they were because she was in hysterics.

He pressed her back a bit, his hands holding her upper arms as he stood up, looking around the room, screaming, "Get out!"

" _GET OUT!_ " fury was radiating off him, releasing Masae he took a step toward the closest executive, raising his arms gesturing for them to leave, "I said get out! You'll get whatever the hell you want! You'll get your way!"

His anger faltered, and he took a broken breath, "For the love of all things good and holy," he dropped his arms beside himself, his voice, low, " _Please_ , just let us have a moment here!"

He didn't actually think that they would leave, so was surprised when they'd looked at one another, then they all quietly shuffled out of the room.

It felt like he could finally take a breath when the door clicked closed.

He turned back to Masae, falling back to his knees, grabbing at her now, his own tears mingling with hers as they cried together. The weight of this situation thick in the room, the fear that they both felt mingled with the concerns and the worries and the uncertainty.

_I'll make this right._

_I will._

He didn't know how much time had passed and he hardly cared, the world could fall apart outside those walls for all that mattered to him. Everything was wrecked, and he'd be happy to just stay in this room with her forever and let everything else move past them.

_I'll make this right._

_I will._

"We're going to be fine, Masae—I'll fix this, I'll make it work, I'll make them understand," he spoke with such conviction, a fire lit in his heart at the idea that they wanted to downplay their relationship, "I will take care of this, I promise, I'll tell the whole world the truth—I'm so sorry, I'm sorry that this happened this way—I was so stupid to take you out in public tha—"

"Ryo," her voice was so small, so...so...controlled...it felt like a slap to his face because her tone was so empty, and when she lifted her face to him, she wasn't crying anymore, she looked resigned.

_What...no, please..._

He was more scared in the moment than any he'd ever experienced before.

"I think..." she paused, taking a deep shuddering breath, "I think that _this is_ the right thing."

"What?" he tried to keep his voice steady, the tears still moving in a slow path down his cheeks, " _What_ are you talking about?"

"Just that..." she shook her head, looking down at the floor between them, "Isn't this...just...this was how it was always going to be, wasn't it?"

She stood up then so she could look him straight in the eye, taking his hands in her own, squeezing them tightly, "I-I should have...I should have told you."

He felt his heart stop for a moment before nearly pounding out of his chest, "Speak plainly, please, Masae-chan. What are you saying!?"

She nodded sharply, swallowing thickly as she forced the words out of her mouth, "I think we need to stop...this between us."

He shook his head, the room becoming a blur, "No! I promise you, I'll fix this and make things right. We can fight this, we can do anything so long as we are together! They can't keep us apart—we'll figure this out together. Me and you!"

_Please, I'll make this right._

_I will!_

"I don't _want_ to, Ryo."

His face crumpled, the words she spoke striking like a spear through his very soul, not understanding why she'd say such a thing, why she wanted to lie to him, his voice broken as he urged her, "S-stop...please...stop..."

"I should have...told you the truth a long time ago...it's..it's my fault, Ryosuke."

"STOP!" he cried out, making her jump, his words frantic as his hands moved on her arms, trying to comfort her, whispering apologies, "Please, no, that's not you talking, Masae, that's the fear or something, that's the bullies telling you what to say, I know that's not you."

His head was shaking quickly as he saw the resignation slowly morph her features, her hand snapping out to hold his chin, stopping him, forcing him to look at her, "But _it is_ , Ryosuke, I...just..."

He couldn't breathe, his entire body was trembling under the weight of her words, tears streaming down his face as he tried to shake his head but she held him fixed in that spot, his words pleading, "P-please, Masae, y-you love me. I know you do. Don't say lies...stop lying!"

She held so still for a moment, it was like time had frozen with them suspended within the hands of a clock, and then it was like everything was happening in slow motion–and she shook her head, his mind began screaming at him, her words poured out into the stillness of the room, voice so soft, a contrast to the screaming in his head, "I did, I mean, _I do_ , b-but...Ry-Ryo, I don't think I have ever loved you right...not...not ever the way that you loved me...not really—and it's not fair, to me...or to you...either of us."

"That's a lie!" he screamed, jerking his head back away from her, "Why are you lying?"

He stomped back and forth in front the space between her and the table, shaking his head, his hands clenched into fists, his entire being feeling like he was standing on the edge of a knife.

"Stop lying!" he hissed as he rounded on her, his finger pointing at her, "Stop it!"

" _I'm not lying, I am finally telling you the truth._ "

It was a whisper but seemed to him to be the loudest sound he'd ever heard.

"No, please, Masae, _please_ ," he dropped to his knees at her feet, his arms wrapping around her legs, "Please, just _stop_ saying these words, stop speaking them, please, _please_ , they aren't your words, they are someone else's words! Please stop saying them!"

She pulled backward, trying to break her legs free from his grasp but he wouldn't budge, so she reached down to him, grabbing his face and lifting it to make him look at her.

"These _are_ my words, Ryosuke," she shuddered as tears slowly fell down her cheeks, her expression filled with sorrow, "I should have told you a long time ago, but I...I... _I've spent years trying to fall in love_ with you the way I _wanted_ to."

He tried to shake his head, to look away, but her other hand grabbed his face, holding him still so he'd have to see her, have to hear her, "Ryosuke, I tried to love you the way you loved me, believe me–I know it's crazy okay? You're amazing, it's not that, it's not you, it's just I couldn't–I didn't...I just don't–I can't love you the way I should—the way you _deserve_ —do you understand? Don't you see? I know you deserve more than someone who just pretends to love you! I wanted to fall in love with you more than anything in my whole life, but it has _never happened_."

She sniffled, her eyebrows furrowing as her strong facade fell before his eyes, "I _wanted_ to love you, Yama-chan...I wanted to. I wished it with all my might. I wanted to love you. _I wanted to with all my heart_."

" _Please_...please, Masae...don't say that...don't..."

"My life changed, I had my own world that was spinning in a different direction than yours all the time–you know it's the truth, if you'll just stop and think, I know you'll see it–because you became who you are and I became who I am and we were _never_ going on the same path together Ryosuke...we never were!"

"No, please...don't....don't do this..."

She took a deep breath, releasing his face as she scrubbed her hands across her eyes, "It wasn't always our schedules that kept us apart—I _asked,_ no I _begged,_ for out of country assignments!"

His arms loosened, as he stared up at her, shaking his head, her voice soft, part of her knew she should just shut up, she should just stop talking, she'd already hurt him, she'd done enough damage–but part of her was convinced she needed to make sure he understood, make sure that he knew–when she left there today, there would be no hope, no chance–and another part of her was liberated by finally saying these words out loud.

Somehow, that part of her was unaffected by the heartbroken boy in the floor–the part of her that had raged against a life that would have her never feeling true love, of feeling the trembling fluttering feelings of infatuation, of the emotional connection that she saw others cultivate–and that part was the one in charge of her words, despite knowing she shouldn't, she couldn't stop the words from continuing, "I was trying to avoid the truth—because I didn't _want_ to hurt you. I've _never_ wanted to hurt you."

His voice was hoarse and low, a broken sob wracking his body as he felt his stomach clench, "You're hurting me right now, Masae...you're killing me." 

"Stop! Stop that! Please," she threw her hands up in the air, "Just–just think about it! We saw each other for what? Maybe two weeks this year? Seriously, Ryosuke! _Two weeks_!"

"So what!" he screamed out, pain infusing every syllable, "Other couples see each other even less than that and they're fine!"

Her shoulders dropped, the weight of what he was saying heavy on her, as she spoke her voice was monotone, so devoid of emotion he shuddered, her eyes focused intently on him, "Other couples _want_ to see each other, Ryosuke."

He couldn't make sense of the hateful words, why would she say such hateful words to him, _why?_ He just couldn't make sense of her saying these words, why was she trying to hurt him?

"Wh..why are you saying these things!?"

She continued on speaking like he hadn't asked the question, her eyes focused on him, but somehow it felt to him as if she were looking straight through him, not really seeing him at all, "I began avoiding you a while ago, it was too hard to know how much I was going to hurt you," she bit her lip, her brows drawing down as she tried to draw the courage to finish this thing she'd begun, "I-I have known for too long now—"

"Don't," he shook his head, trying to move away but she leaned down, grabbing his shirt and making him look up at her, the weak, clingy, broken part in her wanting to be able to say the things that would fix this, fix him but knowing she couldn't–she could never, and she shoved that part away, having allowed it too much control over her life in the past.

_No more._

"Just...please, at least, this one time, just hear me _,"_ her voice whispered, _"I loved you_ , Ryo," he bent over at the pain of the words as they suffused his soul, and she held him there, forcing him to listen to her, "—I really, truly did—but it wasn't the right way, not for one single moment–it was like...like the love a child to their hero—not between a woman and a man...it took me way too long to figure that out...I know...okay? I hate myself for it!"

"No...no..." his eyes were wide, the tears on his cheeks were drying, and to him it felt like he couldn't possibly produce any more, not now, maybe not ever, he blinked, wishing he could make the words stop but they wouldn't and he was unable to move, unable to look away as she continued to rip at his flesh, delving past the soft parts to reach straight into his heart.

"When we were younger, you were everything I thought I wanted, _everything,_ " she shook her head softly, and he cringed when he saw the pity rush through her, clenching his jaw to stop himself from yelling at the very idea of such an emotion directed toward him.

"I swear, I-I mean it, okay, I _do_ love you" she murmured like she was trying to get the words to put themselves together properly, "—but...but, I know...it's not enough...not the _right_ way."

He jerked his arm up, knocking her hand away from where she'd been gripping his shirt, snapping, "What the hell does that even mean!?"

She held her hand up to her chest, surprised at how roughly he'd hit it, "I've been comfortable with you," she shrugged, wishing she had better words for this, "I haven't had to try—I've been selfish, because I didn't want to give you up. Sometimes, I wanted to use who you were, who you knew—and even more than that..." she tilted her head down, shame washing through her at the admission, "—more often than not, I _liked_ that I could mislead people and not tell anyone about us...because...I didn't want to lie, I didn't want to pretend to others."

He laughed but it was lacking any humor, it was a defeated sound, his words cold when he spat them at her, "So you just lied to _me_."

She blinked, letting his words settle over her, nodding, "I...I...just...I didn't mean to...I never meant to do that...but, I realized I loved you but...it wasn't the way I thought it was—it was faded and broken, and not beautiful the way I'd dreamed of, the way I thought it was supposed to be."

"Shut up," he whispered, closing his eyes to the pain, "Just stop...haven't you said enough to hurt me? Don't destroy every picture in my mind...please."

She knew he was right, she knew she should leave him with a shred of something to hold onto, something that would give him solace, but she just couldn't seem to stop herself, each word that was driving raw pain through his being was healing to her, somehow bringing her peace with every single consonant and vowel, "I tried to stay a part of this, _with you_ —tried to just make myself believe it would _be enough_."

"Enough...I'm...not enough..." the words tasted sour in his mouth as he muttered them.

She clenched her eyes closed for a moment, before they opened and in them he saw only truth, "I want a life that isn't _this_ —"

"Isn't me..." he jerked back when she tried to touch him, "That's what you really mean, just say it!"

"It sounds cold but...yes, you want things different than I do, you always have!"

Her eyes drew up to the door, and she shifted her feet, thinking she should leave, should be done with this now, she should leave, but she didn't, somehow feeling defensive of how he was reacting. In all the years she'd imagined this conversation, she never pictured him being so...so...mad at her.

She knew it was naive, of course, he had every right to be angry with her, she was admitting she'd spent _years_ misleading him and lying to him. It didn't change the fact though, that she'd only ever seen him loving, and gentle, and affectionate, and precious, even when she was the worst kind of brat when they were children–he'd have such patience, such kind eyes, and to others they marveled at how he never lost his temper with her. He was always so careful with her, so thoughtful...but this boy, the one radiating such negative energy, this wasn't that person, he wasn't her Ryosuke.

Not just _some guy_ , but her _best friend_...not him.

_Shut up._

_Just shut up._

_This is no less than you deserve._

_Tell him._

_Tell the truth._

_Be done with this you coward!_

"I knew a long time ago, but I reasoned in my mind over and over again that I would grow up and get over my ideas and eventually become the kind of woman who wanted the same things _you_ wanted...they....they always sounded so perfect to me when you talked about them."

"What in the hell are you on about?" he snapped, throwing his hands up as he leaned back on his heels, scowling at her, "What in the world do you think I want that is so different than you!? We've _always_ seen the same future!"

"No!"

She swallowed hard, shaking her head, calming her voice so he'd hear this because it was important, "No, Ryo, _we saw your future_ , the one _you_ wanted–we never once looked at mine, _we never talked about mine_...I never...I never told you the truth."

His mouth snapped closed, and he wished he could bite his tongue off because he knew he was nothing more than a glutton for punishment by allowing the question to leave his mouth, "Which is _what_ exactly?"

"That...I want to have a career, and not just a career until you're able to marry me–a disposable one that I just toss away like it was just a filler for my life, designed to be thrown out when you're finally ready to marry me–to just be done with what I want because it's time to settle down and give birth to your babies!"

"What the fuck, Masae!" he reeled at how ugly her words were, how horribly she was painting him, and he wanted to hit something, break something, because he'd never felt more attacked in all of his life, "Could you be any more _insulting_ to me? That's not what I asked you to do...not what I mea-"

"Ryosuke! Seriously, I _know_ what you want, you've made no secret of it, and you know as well as I do that it's really not me!"

"That's a fucking lie and you know it!" he clenched his fists tightly in his lap, breaking eye contact with her, looking down at the floor between them.

"It's not!" she insisted, "I know you want a wife who will be home and cook you dinner and make you treats, rub your neck and cater to you–a wife who will give you children and a happy home and...I can't do that...I don't _want_ to do that."

"But...I...we could..." he felt the finality of this conversation, that she was saying the words she'd kept deep down inside for years, she had wanted to say them for so long–and he couldn't help but think–if she'd just given him a chance, if she'd told him the truth, he could have worked with her, and they could have made a dream together, "We could have figured it out...we could have...I would have figured it out for you and we co–"

"I don't want _anything_ you want, Ryosuke," she took a deep breath, "I don't want what you want...I mean maybe, yes, _eventually_ , I might want to get married, and have children and have pets and live like we did as children—I think maybe I might want that someday for my own children. But not now, or for a _long time_ , and..."

It felt to him like the whole world screeched to stop, his hand falling beside him as he leaned over, trying to hold himself up, catch his breath as she finally said the words that he'd known this whole conversation was leading to.

He tilted his head down, his hands covering his ears as he whispered over and over again, "Don't say it, don't say it, Masae, don't say it..."

" _...not with you._ "

Despite having his ears covered and the words he was speaking, he still heard her voice through it, he felt helpless, he felt lost, and he felt furious at everyone and everything–especially the fact that she wasn't even offering him a chance to help her understand, help her see the truth–that she was convinced something that she believed was true simply was true just because she believed it.

_It can't be true._

"That's not true! I don't believe that!" he cried out, needing to know he'd said what he needed to say, he wanted her to know the truth, he'd do _anything_ , so deep, so sure, so true was his love for her, "We could have those things together someday!"

He knew from the way she looked at him that it was probably worthless, that the words were lost on her, deep inside his soul he knew that it was useless, but he needed her to know, "I would wait for you! I'd do anything for you! I can change, and I don't care about when we get married or when we have children, I care about _YOU_! You're just making all of this up, somehow you believe it but, I mean, you make it sound like I have some ten year plan all laid out in front of me and I'm lording over you with it!"

"Don't you?"

His mouth opened and closed, his hands clenching together tightly before he threw them up in the air, "...what the fuck, Masae! I've never said anything to you in our entire lives together that was remotely like that...ever..."

"You didn't have to _say it_ , Ryosuke, I've known since we were children that it was true..."

"No!" he snapped, absolutely furious at her, "No! You don't get to do that, you don't get to make up my mind for what I want! Between the two of us, I'm the one who has told you the absolute truth! So, no, you don't get to pretend to know what I think, who I am, and what I want–you don't get to do that!"

She flinched at the words, but he wouldn't be swayed, "I will wait as long as you want, Masae! I can change, whatever it is, I don't care, I'll fix it–just please, tell me what I am doing wrong, what I've done, _please_ , just give me a chance to try and fix this!"

"You'd spend a lifetime trying, I know that, it's why _I_ tried for so long," she whispered softly, and when her hand reached forward, her fingers brushing across his cheeks, carefully wiping the fresh wave of tears from his cheeks, he couldn't stop himself from leaning into her hand, blinking up at her as she spoke, "I know that you'd walk out of here today and you'd give up _everything_ for me. I know you would," she smiled at him, but it felt untouchable to him, so far away and so full of an emotion he wanted to deny, wanted to pretend never existed between them, his head shaking as she leaned forward, catching his eyes, "—but Ryosuke..."

"I'm so sorry...but..."

"Don't lie anymore, Masae, please..." he shifted forward, grabbing her legs, holding her, pressing his face into her sweater, wanting to silence the world, silence her words, her fingers moving to touch his hair, making him sob into her, "St-stop lying."

"Ryosuke, I _wouldn't_ give everything up for you."

"No...that _can't_ be true," he pressed further into her, wanting to make her see, needing desperately for her to just see the truth.

"It is, it is, I just...I can't pretend that I see a future with you anymore—not the future I really want."

"Because...you don't want _me_..."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I'm so sorry, Ryo...I...I never meant to hurt you."

"You can still take it back," his voice shook, his hands holding her tighter, sobbing against her, "It's not too late...you...you can just...and I...we could....I'd forget...I would just pre–"

"Ryosuke," she stopped him, her hands holding his head against her, " _No_...no more lies, no more pretending, no more...not for me, and now...I'm sorry, but not for you either."

The silence drew out between them...her standing there, eyes looking past him to the door, and him holding her, in desperation. his mind wanting to go back to this morning, to a time and place where he had a life he'd dreamed of, a future to work toward and hold onto no matter what would come against him–because this morning–he had her.

She gave him strength, she gave him hope, she gave him courage, she gave him everything he needed to face down the giants in his world...and now...now he was left to wonder how he had been so wrong?

_So blind to her feelings?_

_Was I just lost in the dream?_

_Was any of this ever real?_

_Did I do this to her?_

_Kept her with me when she didn't want to be?_

He tilted his head up, drawing back a bit so that he could see her, and when she looked down at him, he tried to see the girl he loved with all of his very heart and soul in the woman who was standing there, nothing more than a stranger before him at this point.

She sighed softly, her eyes blinking slowly, "There was never going to be a happy way to settle this."

For whatever reason, the words drew across his skin like sandpaper, his voice low, "Settle it?" he hissed, resignation hitting him sharply, " _Settle it?_ Like you would handle any other business arrangement—is that all I am to you now?"

"No," she shook her head slowly, "It's not like that..."

"It sounds _exactly_ like that," he dropped his arms from around her legs, leaning back on his heels as he tried to think, tried to clear his mind, just needing this to be done, be over–so he could let the pain finally consume him...so he could just lay down and be done with everything.

"I can't fight the truth anymore, Ryo, I can't pretend that I—"

"Stop, Masae, please, _just go_ —" his arms flew up, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes as he shook his head.

She grabbed his face then, dropping down into the floor with him as she held his cheeks in her hands, her voice frantic, "Ryosuke! Listen to me, this is the _right thing_! I know it might not seem like it now–but this is the right thing for both of us! I am proving how much I love you by doing this! You won't...I know you won't know it now–but I hope one day you'll see the truth. It's my fault that it took this stupid incident to make me be brave enough—I've been a coward, okay? I have– _I did this_ –but this—now? _Now I know_ —I'm going to leave you with a mess to clean up and I'm sorry for that! If I had been strong enough to tell you the truth, then this would not be happening, and that is all on _me_!"

He wanted to slap the words out of her mouth, every single one of them was like a new stab in his tender skin. He reached up, grabbing her wrists and jerking her hands away from his face, not able to withstand her touching him, " _Don't do that_."

She held her trembling hands up in between them, her voice quivering, "Do what?"

"Pretend that you care, that you're sorry," he glared at her, shifting backward to put distance between them, unable to be so close to her.

"But...I do–I do care!" she shook her head, needing so much for him to understand, "...I _am_ sorry!"

She gasped when his head lifted, his eyes narrowed, his jaw set, and she wanted to run from him, because while she'd seen this face, this expression before it had never been directed at her, and when he spoke, his voice was dripping with malice, " _When did you know_?"

"Know... _what_?"

"When did you know, that you didn't love me?" he shifted and she couldn't stop herself from moving backward as his words bit into her skin, " _How long?_ "

She drew her arms up to wrap around herself as she sat silently, her eyes cast down to the red carpet underneath them, not wanting to do this anymore, not wanting to talk anymore, knowing that everything she said was just going to hurt him more and that was _never_ what she wanted, even though she knew she'd said things that had been vindictive and hateful–she didn't intend to be that way–it was just a...maybe a self protective mechanism–just like what he was doing now...trying to put some kind of wall between them, something that he could pin the heartache onto.

_I've made such a mess of everything._

_He never deserved any of this._

_All he ever did was love me._

_I never loved him the right way._

_But...now...I can love him the only way I know._

_Leave._

_Get up and leave._

_Don't hurt him anymore._

_You've done enough._

_Get out._

"It doesn't matter," she whispered, having made her mind up to leave, to stop hurting him, when suddenly his hand shot forward, grabbing her chin, she whimpered at the pain as he forced her to look at him—only ever knowing him to touch her in a gentle, loving manner.

"It damn well matters to me!" he hissed, jerking his hand away as if touching her was burning his fingers.

"Since the day at the ocean," she whispered, shame spreading across her cheeks at the way he buckled forward at the admission, his anger lost to the pain that raced through his being at the truth, feeling like he'd been kicked in the abdomen, his arms wrapping around his body, trying to hold himself together as everything within him threatened to fall apart.

His body shook with emotions he was trying to control, but it felt like everything was spinning, "Our first kiss? _That was so long ago_."

"I'm sor—"

"Don't!" He didn't mean to shout but the word flew out, and she jumped at the tone he used, taking a shuddering breath as she stood up on shaking legs.

"Just go," he didn't look at her, he just asked again, his voice a whisper, pleading, "Please, Masae, just go now."

"I don't want to leave you like this..."

"I'm not giving you a choice anymore," he whispered, "I need you to leave."

She shook her head, "I–I need you to understand, I need to fix the way y–"

"No. Masae," he reached up, grabbing her hand as he looked up at her, "It's okay, it's okay," he saw it, saw the brokenness in her and for a moment his own feelings didn't matter, nothing mattered except that she be okay, that she be happy, "Y-you can't fix what is broken in me."

She nodded, tears streaming down her face as understanding washed through her, eyes wide as he continued, "But...I need you to leave now because I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to remember me like this...just... _go_...I will be okay."

She squeezed his hand, and he whimpered when she pulled her fingers from his grasp, his hand dropping down into his lap as he stared at her feet, watching her pick up her bag from the floor beside the chair she'd been sitting in, walking toward the door.

"Masae-chan..."

"Yes?"

She didn't look back, _she couldn't_ , she knew everything he had just said was probably the _biggest lie that had ever been told between them_ –but she also knew that one truth was absolute– _she couldn't fix what was broken in him_.

She blinked back her tears as his words rushed out, wrapping around her like one of his beautiful, perfect hugs, his voice infused with love, something here at the end he didn't have a defense for, his voice trembling, and she knew he was crying without looking, "I've only ever w-wanted to make y-you happy. It's a-all that ever m-mattered to me..." something he couldn't keep from revealing in its most base form in the last moments of their relationship despite all of the horrible revelations, "...so, p-please, find your happy—even if it's not with m-me, okay? Be o-only happy—that's a-all I want for you. All I've ev-ever w-wanted."

She desperately needed to say something beautiful to him in return, her mind raced, trying to find words that she could leave him with, something beautiful that he could carry with him into the future, but none would come to her, instead, she would leave him with the _truth_ , "I love you, Ryosuke," the words caused him to grab around his middle, bending forward at the pain it induced, "—but it has been an ugly selfish love that wouldn't let you go free when I knew I wasn't able to be who I needed to be for you. I let this go on because I was afraid to be alone, because I liked being a part of your life, because I didn't want to let you go, to let someone _else_ have you—because I am an ugly, selfish person."

"No," he whispered, his body wracked with sobs, "...no..."

"You deserve someone better than me–I know you'd settle for me, for a hollow, empty picture of love, but I can't do that to you–not when you have nothing but the most beautiful, pure heart I have ever seen. In time, even if I were able to withstand that kind of relationship–eventually–one day, you'd hate me for denying you real love and affection–for keeping you bound to me, I know it in my heart. You deserve love, you deserve to have someone accept all of the love you have to offer. But...that...it's never been me, I can't be that person for you—and I am nothing but sorry that it took me this long to reveal who I really am."

His body shook as he cried from the final words she'd spoken, and then, he heard the door click open, a swooshing noise as it closed softly—and then, _she was gone_.


	5. Brothers

Song Inspiration:

 _It's Not My Time_ by 3 Doors Down

_22_ (cover) by Alex Goot + Friends

Ryosuke had no idea how long he'd been curled up on the floor of the conference room, his eyes blinking against the glaring lights from the overhead, he realized he had fallen asleep at some point from sheer emotional exhaustion. He groaned as he stretched his legs out, his aching joints protesting—stiff from the hard floor underneath him.

He was disoriented for a moment, not sure of time or place—unclear as to how many people had come in or out of the room while he'd been asleep—whether any of them even cared in the least, given the fact that they'd clearly gotten exactly what they wanted to get from him, from _her_. His hand raised up to grip his shirt, tight against his aching heart as the memories from earlier flooded through him.

He twisted sideways, his eyes moving up to look at Julie sitting in a chair beside him—he had no idea how long she'd been sitting there in the chair looking at him with pity—but part of him wanted to rage against the sentiment that her eyes held.

She spoke softly before he could work himself up into a confrontation, her hands clasped in her lap, her words too formal for his taste, "I've sent the statement to the press, so that's done."

He didn't say anything; his throat was thick with emotion and the idea of trying to articulate anything seemed impossible. It felt to him as if he even tried to say anything then he would just end up screaming and never be able to stop, so he just pressed his eyes closed tightly, as even colors hurt him right now.

"I've also cleared everything up with this floor..."

He didn't move, didn't acknowledge her—he didn't want to, he didn't want to do anything, he just really wanted her to shut up, leave him alone in his broken grief.

"They are just going to pretend it didn't happen."

_Of fucking course they are...just like everything else._

"They expect you to back up the story if you are asked about it—though all of our partners have been expressly forbidden from bringing it up—so, you shouldn't run into any problems."

He frowned, his entire body vibrating with the lies he'd been told, as clearly, he wasn't going to get fired, or apparently even get in any sort of trouble at all. He should have known it, he really should have seen that coming—while he had the highest amount of affection for his company and for Johnny, the truth was, when it came down to it—they were a business—and they would always err to the side of caution to keep the business moving forward.

Even at his expense—or in this case, by simply brushing away facts, to suit their perfected agenda—and they never looked back—never, ever under any circumstances did they ever turn to look at the path of mangled lives they'd left in their quake.

Nope...this time, he'd just seemingly skate right through his troubles, to all of them, in fact, they no doubt thought they'd done him a service—had given him what he _needed_ —a way out.

Their complete disconnect with their talent's personal lives was astounding.

He knew this, it was one of the reasons he never really concerned himself with them finding out about Masae...after all, they didn't really care as long as they didn't know about it.

He'd been threatened for years about what would happen if they ever had scandals. He believed every word of it. Especially after Morimoto was released from the company. All of the members realized then they had a very narrow path to walk, and they set themselves upon it—moving carefully through their lives with caution and making choices only with extreme amounts of thought and consideration.

Now, it seemed that none of it even matter, as it turns out, for him, _at least for me_ , it would be that tomorrow everything would go back to 'normal' and no one would mention it, everyone would act as if they didn't just witness him completely lose it.

_Lose it all..._

They'd all greet him like it was a normal day—"Good Morning, Yamada-san! How are you today?"—just business as usual, he supposed.

_It figures._

He was a little put out by it to be honest, after all the threats and documents and lawyers and conditional clauses, they were just going to pretend it didn't happen?

_Fucking company..._

"Ryosuke, I _am_ truly sorry," her voice was her soft one, the one she reserved when she stepped into 'mom' mode with one of them, a tender undertone to each word.

He hummed softly in response against his own will—unable to disconnect from the words, from the comfort they provided despite the way they felt like sandpaper drawing across his skin, leaving jagged, bloody wounds behind.

He knew he wouldn't be able to stay mad at Julie. He knew she cared about him, cared about his members—and right now, even though there were a lot of things he wasn't sure of, he could be sure of one thing, Julie was on their side— _on his side_ —and because of that, he knew she meant the words she said.

"I know you cared about her. You'd have to be a fool to not see it in those pictures," her voice was gentled, and his eyes blinked open, staring up at her, feeling like he could cry, _should cry_ , but he didn't have any tears left—still, in a world where tomorrow it would be like he'd never felt such deep love, and loss, in that moment it felt good to have her acknowledge the truth.

She saw it in the pictures, the thing he knew everyone else would overlook—he was positive when Julie said she'd 'cleared up' things on this floor it meant that she'd misled them. Told them it was a meaningless fling, told them it was nothing but a crush and that he'd be just fine—that they didn't have anything to be concerned with.

But in this moment, with just the two of them—she gave voice to the truth—that she saw the love he had for Masae in the images she'd been so angry about. Maybe that was even one of the reasons she was so angry, because she knew what this was going to do to him, how deeply he'd be broken by it.

Even so, having her say the words out loud was soothing to him, and he tried to smile, knowing it was a pale reflection given the way he felt at the moment.

She smiled, cautiously at him, and then spoke carefully, "—but, Yama-chan, I think you need to look at them again when you are ready—it might give you some answers."

He shook his head, his body curling in on himself out of instinct to protect himself from any more pain, his entire being wishing nothing more than that the floor would open up and swallow him whole. That he could escape into the darkness of nothing—get away from the pain that was threatening to consume him.

"You will need to report to choreography tomorrow morning at seven as usual."

Just like that, her tone had become the normal tone he knew from her, business woman activated, her entire demeanor detached and distant.

She sat still, watching him for a moment, her eyes looking at the clock—it was nearly nine at night, and most people had left hours ago, but she'd remained with him—always holding him so close to her heart. She saw something in him, something unique that had nothing to do with being an idol or talented or anything else, just a genuine aura of goodness, of selflessness that she'd never seen before.

Other people thought it was his 'prince' aura they were so enamored and fascinated with, but she knew better—she knew it was just the way he was so kind, so thoughtful, so innately _good_.

She smiled, sighing in relief when she looked up at the figure that was standing in the doorway.

She walked quietly out of the room, closing the door to give them privacy.

Ryosuke froze when the voice spoke softly into the still silence of the room, "Ryo-chan."

"K-Kaa-chan?"

His heart jumped in his chest, his eyes instantly flooding with tears as her voice moved over him—and before he could react, she was there on the floor in front of him, her skirt spread out like angel wings in front of him. He lifted his head to look up, her smile warm and gentle, and without another thought, he scrambled forward, "Kaa-chan..."

In that moment, he wasn't an adult who was one of the most well-known idols in the industry, he wasn't anything more than a child that needed his mother, and without shame he rushed forward, to crawl into his mother's arms. His mother had always defied 'traditional' Japanese notions about affection, showering her children with hugs and kisses throughout their childhood, and little had changed even as they'd reached adulthood.

Something about the way her arms wrapped around him tightly seemed to give him the freedom to _feel._ To not pretend to have it all together, to not act like everyone was watching, to just be in the moment and let himself express all of his heart, as he had always done with her. So, as she held him, his body trembled, weighted under the grief assaulting his senses, the space around them filled with the soft sounds of his deep, mournful sobs.

He cried until no more tears came, until his mind was blank and empty of reason and understanding of the pain he felt somewhere inside, and she had just held him there in her arms, letting him feel what he felt, not speaking, just sitting silently in his pain with him.

She'd always given herself to her children in such a way...never able to fully disconnect from them, she ached when they ached, when they were happy she was elated, and alternately, if they suffered, she did as well.

He'd shifted to lay his head in her lap, grabbing onto her skirt, holding on desperately...he'd never thought there was anything wrong with his relationship with his mom, having always been unapologetically close to her, he'd fight anyone who said a negative thing about it—because she was always there for him. Somehow, he'd always viewed her as a cornerstone, an anchor in the crazy life that he led—she kept him humble, she helped him make wise decisions, and when he fell, she was always there to help him understand he was more than capable of standing back up again.

She was always there, and always having his back, no matter the circumstances.

"Do you remember the story I used to tell you when you were very small, Ryo-chan?"

He hummed softly, glancing up at her, not sure which story she might mean, as there were so many.

She smiled tenderly down at him, her voice soft, "The one about the sailor who would take his boat across the vast expanse of ocean to bring back exotic treasures and special fragrances from the far shores to his beloved?"

He nodded his head, remembering it well, his eyes fluttering closed from the sing-song quality of her voice that was uniquely hers alone.

"Do you remember how the story always ended?"

He considered this, his mind rushing through the story to remember the ending, and when he remembered it, he groaned, pushing his face into her leg, not wanting to say it out loud as he turned his head to look up her face while she whispered the words to him.

"His beloved would be waiting for him, and she would have a gift for him in return, a stack of the most rare and exquisite wood that she had gathered from the distant mountains. Each day she would make the journey, day after day—each and every day, no matter the weather or terrain or conditions that threatened to stop her—she pushed onward. That way, when he would return to bring her the tokens of his heart—her offering would be ready for him."

" _So, he could build a better boat_ ," Ryosuke whispered, twisting his fingers into the material of her skirt as he'd done since he was a child.

"Yes," she smiled down at him, "That way he could build a better, stronger boat—a gift from _her_ heart in return."

Her fingers moved though his hair, soothing him, his eyes closing as he gave himself over to the story, to the care of his mother.

"Even though her heart was broken each time he would leave, she would always let him go—because there was nothing he wanted more than to give her all of the beautiful things of the world—and to do that—she knew he had to leave. She knew the joy of his heart would always be hollow if he didn't follow where his love led him."

"When he would return, she'd be waiting there, presenting to him the gift of her heart she'd prepared, but not just ones of whimsy, no—her gift held the greatest purpose."

"To keep him safe," Ryosuke answered softly.

"Yes, her gifts were designed to keep him safe, used to build the very same boat that would take him away from her yet again—the perfected picture of a selfless love."

She sat silent for a long time while he considered the story—seeming to have a vastly different meaning now that he was older, more mature, and had faced many circumstances in his life that brought new and different pictures into his mind.

One day she'd share her heart with him, but today wasn't that day. Today he just needed to know he was going to survive this...but one day, she'd tell him the truth—that she'd imagined this outcome for quite some time and walked a fine line between making choices for him versus allowing him to have his own freedom to make mistakes, even painful ones, as it wasn't just her job to coddle him, but to give him the safety to do things that would sometimes be wildly successful, or alternately, be breathtakingly devastating.

She questioned even now whether it had been wisdom to remain silent, but if she knew anything about her son at all, it was when others thought he could not lift himself up from the blows life had given him—when he was counted out as the underdog—that was when he would show how truly strong he was. He wouldn't stay in the despair forever, while she knew he would probably struggle longer than she'd prefer—this was a life lesson that he could only learn by experiencing it, and while she would have done anything to spare him this kind of pain, she knew in her heart of hearts that he would use this for good.

One day he would be a stronger man, one who was capable of love unbound, who would have an understanding of life and living and love that he couldn't have ever known without the struggle of this moment.

So, in this moment, she determined to tell him the truth that he needed to hear right now, "Ryosuke, _every man_ deserves a woman who will not wait idly as he follows his heart, but one that will use her own life to express her love for him in equal measure, even if it means _her own_ suffering."

Ryosuke shook his head, knowing that she was talking about him, about Masae, about what had happened, probably what she already knew would happen but had left him to his own choices and life.

He blinked up at her, discovering a smile soft on her face, her voice soft, "That is what a picture of love _truly_ looks like."

She reached down, gently pulling his head away from her, so she could look into his eyes, "That's the kind of love _your_ pure heart deserves. _That is the kind of love you should wait for_. The kind of love you should expect, Ryo-chan, in fact, the kind you should _demand_."

He thought about his own parent's relationship and suddenly saw many parallels between them and the story of the fisherman and his wife, his eyes widened as he whispered, his voice filled with reverence and awe, "The fisherman was actually a _train conductor_ , wasn't he?"

"Yes."

He scrambled forward, wrapping his arms around her waist tightly, thankful for all the lessons she'd given him through the years that he knew he would be unwrapping for the rest of his life one by one. Precious gifts that she'd woven together like a tapestry, each thread bound by the beautiful words of each story she'd shared with him.

"I understand, Kaa-chan," he smiled, pulling back to look at her as her hand reached up to cup his cheek.

For a moment felt like maybe, just maybe, he was going to be okay after all, still, his voice shook with conviction as he spoke, "...but...honestly, I would have been okay with loving her more than she loved me. I just want to make her happy, and I wanted to protect her. She didn't have to love me the same way."

His head dropped down, whispering, "I would have been okay with loving her more than she loved me."

She smiled at him then, grabbing him to her and hugging him tightly, "I would not be okay with that, Ryo-chan, it would have hurt me very much to see you denied the love you _deserve_."

He hummed in understanding, knowing it would have been hard on not just his mother, but also his sisters to see him in a relationship that was off balanced. It didn't change the fact that somehow in his heart, he really did think he would have been able to be okay with loving her far more than she could love him.

As if sensing where his thoughts were going, his mother pushed him back, holding him by the upper arms as she leaned into his face, speaking with absolution and conviction, as if the words were vital to his very existence.

Maybe they were, he couldn't be sure.

"You deserve to find someone who will love you the _right way_ , Ryosuke, you should not be settled to live a life without equal standing. That is by the very definition _not_ what love really is."

He considered her words carefully before responding, his eyes fixed on hers, "Isn't love about sacrifice though? Isn't that what the fisherman and his beloved did?"

She smiled, it was a smile of pity, he recognized it, and he knew that he probably should be offended, but instead, he was somehow comforted by her deep abiding affection for him, "You have always been such a romantic at heart. I understand why you see it that way—but I need to be clear—there is no _real_ sacrifice if you love the other person—the trials and struggles are still _happy joys_ —because you are secure in knowing your love is strong under your feet."

She hoped he understood the words she was saying, that they somehow would get through to him, and he saw her shifting from his tender-hearted mother figure who would hold him while he cried for hours, into the strong fisherman's wife who spent her life teaching him all of the lessons he needed to know so he could successfully traverse the messy and difficult roads in his own life.

She nodded sharply, "...and now, with that, I will see you in a few days at dinner, correct?"

"Yes," he affirmed, leaning his head forward to rest on her shoulder for a moment, "I think I will come home for the weekend, if that's alright with you?"

"Of course!" she hugged him tightly, "We would love it if you did!"

He nodded his head, lifting it to kiss her on the cheek, her eyes bright and happy when she looked up as a shadow crossed into the doorway, smiling at the group of people standing there.

He sat back, turning look to where his mother's eyes were drawn, smiling despite himself as his friends, his members, moved into the room like a stumbling wreck of nerves and uncertainty.

"Idiots," he mumbled laughing lightly, everything hurting, especially his head from the movement.

His mother squeezed his hand before she stood up, nodding to the boys as she quietly exited the room. Ryosuke smiled as she turned to close the door, a wink to him with a thumbs-up and he shook his head, loving her so much. He'd thank her later, he'd make sure she knew how much it meant to him that she came to him when he was broken and alone.

The eight members stepped further into the room, some of them moving to chairs, others standing awkwardly, looking everywhere but at Ryosuke who took the time to evaluate them, wondering what exactly they'd been told.

Daiki had sat in a chair close to him, his voice speaking softly, the words loud despite that in the utterly silence of the room, "I was sixteen, and she was a girl I'd met during one of our costume fittings for the tour—one of the designer's daughter who was learning the craft. We only knew each other for a few weeks and had only casually spoken on the phone a few times."

Ryosuke's eyes were riveted on Daiki's—wide and unsure of what he was telling him, this confession bold and unexpected—while they'd shared many personal stories, they never really broached the subject of relationships—all of them erring to the side of caution at protecting themselves and the ones they loved, so this was something new.

"Somehow, I don't know how, the Jimusho found out about it. They took my phone away from me, then sent a message to her telling her that it was not going to work for me to meet her that weekend because I would be too busy. 'I' thanked her for the _fun_."

He shrugged, leaning forward in the chair, his elbows on his knees as his eyes met Ryosuke's, "I never saw her, or her Mom again. Apparently, they got rid of any chance of connection there."

Keito shifted to sit in a chair nearer to Ryosuke, his voice sad, crossing his arms across his chest, "I met a girl last year after a concert. All of you had already left but I was still helping one of the sound stage guys with a few of the electronics—just cause I was kinda interested in it. When I came out of the venue there was this girl there, she'd been waiting for all those hours—seriously, you guys had left at least three hours before, but she'd stood out there and waited— _for me_. She just wanted me to sign a picture for her sister who was unwell—and I was her ichiban."

He sighed, "I signed it. She laughed _so cute_ , and all I could see was just a normal girl, you know? Just a normal girl—and all she wanted, truly, was for me to write a note to her sick sister—so I just didn't think, just asked her if she wanted to get a cup of coffee at the little 24-hour café on the corner close to the venue. She said yes."

His eyes focused on the light above them, his tone taking on a whimsical quality as he continued, "Her name was Reina, and she was at university to study to be a music teacher."

The room was so still, it seemed like no one was even breathing, " _I really liked her_."

He leaned forward, chin in his hand as he blew the hair out of his eyes, looking straight at Ryosuke, "Julie-chan came into the café, on some really weird stroke of bad timing, or, who knows? Maybe they watch us, and we just don't want to see it—but she walked in and saw me there with Reina. I didn't really think much of it—except the next day, I was brought into her office, and there were two of the Jimusho there—they had my contract and had all these parts highlighted yellow and tabs and they made me go one by one and read them out loud. They talked so fast, and they took my phone, they gave me another one...and that was that. I didn't know her number, it was in that phone—and I have no idea what they told her."

Hikaru spoke softly, his eyes moving through the members, shrugging, "My story isn't much different. It was three years ago."

Kota nodded his head, along with Kei as they all mumbled acknowledgements of one another's struggles.

"Damn," Ryosuke mumbled, shaking his head, "this is seriously screwed up."

Yuri moved to sit next to Keito, nodding his head, but not sharing his own story, if he even had one, they didn't know, of course, but he reached out his hand to touch Ryosuke's shoulder, squeezing it and then leaning back in his chair.

Out of the members he was the only one who had known about Masae, as he and Ryosuke had talked for hours and hours about the girls they were interested in, he spoke softly, "Wanna talk about it?"

_Do I want to talk about it?_

Ryosuke considered it for a moment, settling for going simple, "She was my childhood friend, my neighbor, we grew up very close, we made promises—we were going to grow old together—I-I...loved her."

"Loved?" Yuri asked, his eyes betraying his surprise at such a confession, leaning forward on his knees to look at Ryosuke better.

"I—I, I just...I don't know right now. She just...she doesn't feel that way about me. I should have seen it, or something, _right?_ I mean normal guys would be able to tell...just...God!"

He wrapped his arms around his legs, laying his head down on his knees, trying to think, to get the screaming sounds in his head to make some kind of sense to him.

No one rushed him, they all sat quietly, clearly thinking over their own issues with how they were being treated by their agency in light of what was happening to their friend.

_Should I have known?_

It was at the forefront of his mind, that maybe this is all something he should have realized, seen for himself, he lifted his head, shaking it, "Look—I don't like how this happened, but I see clearly it would have happened no matter what, eventually. They didn't do this—Masae did...and I did, for my own part of it...so..."

He sighed, running his hands through his hair, then leaning back on his palms looking at the ceiling, "I just mean, this didn't happen because of the Jimusho, even if I would like to blame them for it. This happened because she..." he closed his eyes, the words a mere whisper as he said them, yet as they were uttered they felt like they were being screamed into the room, his heart breaking at each syllable, "...she...j-just didn't _love_ me back."

The air in the room was very still, and the other boys were trying to process this information—most of them not having even known Ryosuke had been in a relationship until a few hours ago when Julie had called them—let alone since he was very young, and even more so—that he was actually in love with the girl.

"That sucks," Keito mumbled, shaking his head, frowning as so many small things he'd noticed all of these years fell into place as the truth of who he knew as his friend lined up with the new information. A lot of confusion cleared, and so much more made sense now.

The other members were all thinking along the same liness themselves in considering the situation carefully—what it meant to Ryosuke, what it could look like for them.

Ryosuke stood up on his wobbly legs, feeling weak and unstable, turning to the table and walking over to it, stretching as he walked slowly. He looked down at the magazines and newspapers laying there, thinking about the words Julie had spoken to him.

_"I know you cared about her. You'd have to be a fool to not see it in those pictures—but I think you need to look at them again when you are ready—it might give you some answers."_

He leaned over on the table, looking closer at the images there, dismissing her words as some kind of psychobabble that wasn't meant to actually do anything other than make him question what they had, what they'd felt.

_Still..._

As his eyes drifted over the images, he still saw what he'd seen at the start, two young people in love. He wasn't sure what she was referring to.

He opened one of the magazines to the pages where the layout was about them, and he studied those pictures.

He noticed it then.

_No..._

Her posture was not relaxed—but rather, it seemed oddly stiff, out of place in the images.

Some of the series of pictures would have her smiling when they were looking at each other, but then the next frame, she was frowning, or looking away from him.

_Seriously?_

He grabbed another magazine, frantically ripping through the pages until he got to the layout they were featured in, checking the pictures there and finding that between the happy pictures would be at least one that she appeared to be bored, disinterested, unhappy, or even angry.

_This...is...oh my God..._

He tried to make sense of it—had he not noticed this?

_How could I be so blind?_

Was he so absorbed in what he thought they had, what he believed was real, that he completely missed the truth right before his eyes?

Did he only see what he wanted to see?

_Is that how this worked?_

One by one he lifted the magazines and looked through them, growing more and more agitated by the second as each and every one of them were changing right in front of his eyes, and now the truth in the images could not be unseen.

The beauty he saw there was so dark, so suffocating and oppressive now—the love he's seen there was nothing more than a longsuffering patience, maybe it was even some sort of kindness, but even so, it was at a steep price—and he'd be the one to pay it, now that things had come to this—he couldn't help but acknowledge the facts.

She meant what she said, and his heart clenched as he thought about the truth—that she'd known since the ocean...over three years before, and they had only reconnected maybe six or seven months before that.

During the time after he joined Johnny's and became famous, she'd followed her own path, yet, of course, they kept up with letters and phone calls as often as they could spare. He'd spent the years solidifying his thoughts about their relationship and where they were going to be in ten years.

She'd clearly spent that same time cultivating very different thoughts.

He frantically grabbed up all the magazines gripping them and tearing at them, furiously angry at Masae, at himself—he growled loudly, stomping over to the door to grab the garbage can, then returning to the table, unceremoniously swiping them off the table's surface and into the bin with a loud sound echoing through the room.

His eyes stared down at the torn remnants of what once was the happiest part of his existence, now nothing but something shredded and broken beyond understanding, moving to set the garbage can back where it was, taking a lingering last look.

His chest expanded with a deep shuddering breath, exhaling slowly as he turned to look at the boys sitting in the chairs behind him, their eyes wide and uncertain as they tried to read him.

"What's done is done," he laughed softly at the seriousness of the others, knowing he'd clearly worried them, he clapped his hands together making most of them jump in alarm, "I'm starving. Let's go eat."

That night between the good food, flowing drinks, and emotional overload—a time where the walls were broken down between the nine of them—a common ground found not in their choice of careers or hobbies or what they had in common—no, it was found in their loss of so many facets of their own lives. As they shared their deepest held feelings, the room ended up being filled with more confessions, plenty of laughter, and a plethora of both solid and all too often questionable advice.

The one thing the members promised one another was that they would not keep secrets from each other anymore. Never again...not if it meant them all suffering alone when they could be facing down the giants in their world with one another.

They vowed solemnly to each other, promising one after another, that whatever they went through moving forward, they were going to face it together, as a group—because unlike the other acts at Johnny's—they weren't just 'members'—they were true friends.

In fact, somewhere between their abrupt, unexpected debut, the chaos that followed that included confusion and guilt for bypassing many of their senpai, the turbulent years of uncertainty of what was going to happen to them, the painful mistakes they made, and the slow ascension to becoming a household name...

Between the years of blistered feet, strained muscles, embarrassment from pranks and television shows, cracking voices, stumbles, falls, and trying to figure out who they were as they each grew up in front of a world that was not only watching, but taking careful note of their bad hair days, their inadequacies, all while trying to distinguish which parts of their personality was who they really were and who was the idol...

Between all of the times they slept in a strange bed, away from the comforts of home and families, that they pushed their bodies beyond exhaustion, giving a thousand percent to make sure they did their very best for their fans—between the days that ran together full of laughter, and tears, screaming crowds and cheering fans—all of the parts of the path that stretched out before them, pointed to the same outcome for all of them, one and the same—both good and bad—as they'd chosen to face the same direction, walking together, somehow in that time—they'd become something even more than just 'best friends'.

They were comrades in the battle against he world, they were 'nine souls' facing down their own demons together, they were partners in squeezing the best that life had to offer even if their lives were nothing short of controlled chaos—they were more than simply average, more than just friends who knew each other through work.

They would be moving forward as allies, working together to protect each other and what few things they had that were strictly their own. They'd face adversity the way they faced every other obstacle that had been placed before them as a group— _together_.

More than friends, closer than members—together they were something extraordinary.

_Brothers._

* * *

Ryosuke leaned over to the side of his chair, digging through his bag until he found what he was looking for. He handed the crumpled piece of paper to Yuri, his eyes hesitant.

"What's this?" Yuri took the folded paper, looking at it curiously.

"Proof."

"Of what?" Yuri glanced up at Ryosuke, finding his eyes affixed to the paper in his hand.

"That I'm better," Ryouske pointed to the paper, "I want you to see."

Yuri took a deep breath as he lifted the letter, and slowly unfolded it.

His breath caught in his throat as he began to read the words written there, tears springing to his eyes, and he glanced back over at Ryosuke, "You're writing again?"

Ryosuke nodded, "I am," he rolled his hand at him, urging him to continue to read.

"This...this is..."

"Who I should have been last year."

"No," Yuri corrected him, his eyes snapping to his, "No, this is who you are now."

Ryosuke thought about that...considered it carefully, and then he nodded.

_Maybe, this IS who I am now._

Yuri looked back at the paper, reading the words there again, amazed that Ryosuke had written them, that he'd somehow come to a point where he could reflect on the past and see something different there. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to be so deeply introspective, or maybe it was that he'd never been invested enough to need to, either way, he was shocked that Ryosuke had written the words.

* * *

As I look up at the night sky, my shoulders fall with the fading light

I can't go back to that day, don't make me see that sorrow

The city's streets sparkle as I try to understand my feelings

I said "What are you doing?"

As I heard you laughing with someone on the phone

"I'm glad for you...well, goodbye..."

The only thing I can do is wish for your happiness

Even if the stars I dreamed of sharing with you don't fall into my hands

Even if we never see each other again

To be sure your smile never fades away in time

I pray to extinguish the flame that holds my love for you

When I close my eyes, I no longer want to feel sorrow,

As you've created a new flame, you're a vision of pure white light

"You're so beautiful, congratulations ..."

I watch your overflowing happiness tenderly,

Just as you dreamed, the blossoms dance gracefully for you

Captivated as you walk past me, tears flow from my eyes

Please, I hope all your passing days are filled with laughter

This is the prayer I put into the flame

The feelings raining down on me are as a candle that melted like my tears

As I stare at the flickering flame, I pray for you to always find happiness

From where I watch you, this is what I feel with all my heart

Because of this, when life becomes painful for you

I will deliver to you this candle I've lit only now

Filled with my prayers for your dreams

* * *

Yuri carefully folded the paper back up, feeling grateful that Ryosuke had shared something so intimate with him, thankful for their friendship, and feeling peace wash over him, because he wasn't sure before, but now, he was sure–Ryosuke was going to be okay.

He held the paper out to him, nodding, his voice firm with conviction, "You can do this."

"Yes," Ryosuke took the paper form him, smiling as he agreed, "I know I can—because I want to, and because I have my members here this time to help me."

_I can do this._

_I will._


	6. Just Be You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a really, really long chapter but I couldn't break it up because every time I thought "this is a good place" it felt so WRONG.

Here's the floorplans that I created for my internal visual for Johnny's Complex for reference cause I am so crazy extra (sorry!)

Strange things had been happening.

_Really strange._

Now, in all fairness, everything about Ryosuke's life had been different for a while now. He'd been seeing Namine-san regularly which led him to feeling far better than he'd imagined, keeping a relatively good handle on things. When he began to feel the unraveling of his nerves, he didn't stay silent, not anymore—instead, he found it was easy to talk to the people he trusted the most, and for the times when he didn't notice the slow descent into depression, any one or all of the members seemed to instantly hone in on it and point it out with gentle kindness.

They didn't let him pretend to be okay, and that's what he needed the most. Before now, if they had bothered with him, paid such close attention to everything he did or said or the way he acted, well, it's no secret he would have been furious with them...but now, in this time and space, he found the accountability to be invaluable–and recognized where they were coming from.

He'd put them all through hell with his insistence that he could handle everything on his own before–now he felt with all sincerity that he owed it to them, and also to himself, to be open and honest with his recovery–to be real with them, and he felt the warm embrace of the blessing in knowing that none of them cared at all.

The thoughts had plagued him before–that the members would not see him as strong or capable of being the center if they realized how broken he'd become. Something about the position demanded that the person placed there keep up appearances of having it all together...but they'd all taught him better.

"Being center isn't about being perfect, or about not struggling with life–it's about a state of mind, of being, of having such a deep abiding affection for the group as a whole that it exists as a driving factor behind all that you say and do–none of us personifies that more than you, Yama-chan."

Those words from his members had been imprinted upon his heart and he held them close–and on the days when he found himself fighting an uphill battle with his own inner demons–those words kept him grounded and focused on the right thoughts, the right words, away from the lies and deceptions his own mind could create.

He'd become vigilant about keeping on top of his moods and thoughts–stopping negativity the moment he felt it creeping in–and, of course, the ongoing love and affection from his members and his family had kept him from ever spiraling down into the deepest parts of his mind.

Instead, surprisingly, he'd found himself happier than he'd been in a while. The constant however thin layer of darkness remained, at least most of the time in the start, always presenting as a sort of foggy covering over him when he found himself weak, but he knew it wasn't permanent. He held out hope that a happier time would come once the tenderness of his heart and soul were mended.

But at the beginning of his healing, the memories of times that once held all of his soul within, and even times that were only imagined in his dreams but felt so very real plagued him, the considerations of thoughts of what could have been, should have been, were relentless, and he found himself sometimes consumed with the process of sorting through what honestly held importance and what no longer held anything of value.

Letting go of most of his pain had more to do with what he'd invested so much of his life dreaming of and less to do with what actually was real at all.

He saw that now.

The stories he'd created within his mind were nearly impossible to release, painful to consider letting go of–the fantasy world he'd made of his own beliefs of himself, of Masae, of their relationship–as it turns out, once the scales had been removed from his eyes, it became all too clear how much of his world stood on building blocks of half-truths and deception, an entire universe bent to his own thoughts of what was and what should be–and, admittedly, all too often mere figments of his own overactive imagination borne of his deepest held desires and dreams.

He'd struggled to put everything in the proper place, and he recognized that nothing but time could serve as the balm to heal his weary soul. He was trying to be patient with himself, but often found others far more patient with him than he allowed himself to be.

He just wanted to be normal again–but lamented the fact that he wasn't even sure who he was once all of the lies were ripped from his flesh–whatever left after that would be the revelation of his true self, but he found himself terrified of who that might be in the end.

His insecurities flared up in ways he'd never really felt before, generally, despite suffering from his own battles of self doubt and low esteem–he'd never let it take root in him, but he found one of the hardest parts to accept in reality was the very real voices that kept telling him he wasn't enough.

That he wasn't enough for her, for _anyone_ , for anything. He'd never really seen himself of so little value–not until now–when the emotions were constantly rioting within himself and they were so vivid with callous words and cold tones. He tried to dismiss them, to ignore them, but he was troubled by the challenge, ill prepared to try to battle them.

Namine-san had spent weeks working through it with him, helping him understand that it wasn't just as simple as his heart having been broken, that was far too simplistic for what had truly taken place–rather, it had been shredded beyond comprehension.

This was the proper order of things, perfectly normal, according to her, for him to internalize it in a way that made him constantly question what he'd done wrong, what he could have done differently, though she encouraged him to journal through it and then dismiss it, because it held just another part of the lies.

From the start she'd told him, that while now he felt such devastation, that one day, surprisingly, he would wake up and feel differently—that one day something would click and he would realize with all assurance that he was going to be okay—he didn't completely believe it.

At least, not at first.

To him, it seemed that maybe he would have a different life now, a little bit _less_ than what he'd pictured before—a little bit simpler, less grand, less most things, and that should be okay—to him, _at least to him_ , it did not feel as if that would be settling.

It was being _realistic_.

It was accepting that all along he'd had his head in the clouds, too deeply ingrained with fairy tales and making stories from pictures in the clouds.

Too high and lofty, and rather, real life just wasn't like that, not really–it was made with sharper corners, darker undertones, and with heartache thinly veiled behind all the shades of colors.

No, he'd spent far beyond a decade with his eyes fixed on an impossible dream–something that truly could only be found in tales of fantasy and written by authors of generations past to be consumed by a willing audience who clung to it with sheer desperation as they came to realize one by one that these were stories that bore a pale reflection of the world as it truly was.

To him, after all of this, it seemed quite practical, that it made perfect sense to have lower expectations, to face reality that what he thought he could have would be just like any other story based in a dream world–and at least, to admit such a thing meant that he would always be able to tell what was and was not real.

He wasn't blind to the fact that this approach to life was based in something negative, maybe not the best way to handle things, but at least it got him through the hardest days. He most certainly recognized that the pain and suffering from the relationship with Masae made him see things through such darkness—and maybe Namine-san was right—maybe one day he really would feel different.

_Maybe._

But for now, he decided that there were things in the world that were meant for him, and there were things in the world that just _were not_.

He didn't necessarily get to choose which was which–he understood this truth.

To stand on stage, to be before his audience and shine brightly, he knew that he'd been designed to be an entertainer, once he'd embraced this idea for his life then he'd bent himself around the idea that he wasn't just meant to be good at it, no, he was meant to be amazing at it.

Be the best at it.

He knew his capabilities, his talents, his power–and that he was excellent, amazing, breathtaking in the moments where it counted the most on stage...it wasn't conceit or self-aggrandization that made him see it that way—he just knew, he was born this.

Maybe a time once existed where he thought of other pursuits, but at this time in his life there was no question that he stood where he was meant to be.

Born to be someone who brought laughter and smiles and happiness to others through his talent. Of course, he knew, and he felt others knew as well, that it wasn't easy or simple or just something he did naturally—no, he had to work hard for it, he spent hours and days and years building his abilities, his endurance, to grow himself up to be who he had become.

So now, he felt in his heart the assurance that this was what he'd been meant to do, that he was where he was meant to be.

Perhaps, after all of this time he finally realized that being this person actually meant that meaningful relationships were something he was meant to forgo entirely.

One of the things in the world that were not meant for him.

He had held security within the understanding that Masae knew him before he'd become famous, before all of the trials began–she'd earned a level of trust that existed with her he just didn't believe could ever be replicated with anyone else.

How would he ever know the intentions of another were true and pure?

How could he ever determine that someone else wasn't going to betray him or hurt him or use him or a million other nefarious 'what ifs'?

No, he realized in his heart that this just wasn't possible, that this would be a wild card, something so unpredictable it would be folly to even pursue it–so, as a result, the dreams that he'd held as a child of falling in love, of having a life that played out like his own parents fell to disarray.

In the end, as a matter of healing and protecting himself, he negated those dreams to simply _that_ within his mind— _childish dreams_.

Life itself presented as messy, and complicated, and difficult under the most ordinary circumstances—but for him?

It felt like having a relationship when he had so many different issues to navigate would be impossible—and while in the time past he would have given up his career, given up _everything_ for Masae—today, he knew in his soul that he _shouldn't have to do that._

Now?

Now he wouldn't do that.

Not for her, not for anyone.

This is who he is.

This is what he knows and what he loves.

His life, his career, his goals, his successes, and even his trials and failures, all combined together to make him feel whole and complete and happy—and he knew now, it was always the truth.

He knew now, sadly after the pain and suffering, his attempt to discover what he'd been looking for from someone else, when all along it could only come from within–it wasn't something that he could do, not something he should _want_ to do.

So, he'd settled into a routine, his optimism grew day by day, hope rising among the ashes of what once was, and the plans he'd made felt less like dreams and more like maps laid out before him.

His life became focused, everything made sense to him once he'd put aside the idea of love and relationships and romance and a house and a wife and children—somehow, everything in his world became unbelievably simple.

He is an actor.

He is a singer.

He is a dancer.

He is an entertainer.

He is an idol.

He is amazing at it, and that's something he could be sure of, something that didn't take any leap of faith, didn't require him to take chances, and right now at least, in his life—that's what he needed.

He smiled, he laughed, and slowly he began coming around to find his joy again.

Maybe the upcoming tour was responsible, at least, he knew that it played a big part of it—as the idea of going out into the world beyond the stifling boundaries Johnny's had set—well, it stood as the singularly most exciting possibility of his entire life as well as the most decidedly terrifying one at the very same time. He felt most days the anticipation that bubbled up inside of him to be a positive that far outweighed the darker thoughts about what the rest of the world might think of them, how they might be viewed by those beyond the borders of Japan...though, his sisters had told him to stop being so stressed about it.

He trusted them with his life—and he'd always leaned to their understanding of things. After all, they'd reasoned that the group had enough members of various sorts with unique talents, appearances, and personalities that there was a little bit of something—far enough to ensure one member or another would surely resonate with those outside of Japan.

He had to believe they were right, since for as long as he could remember, they were in tune with the international pulse far more than he or any of the other members ever were or likely would be in truth—they just didn't have the time to invest in trying to figure out how to navigate those communities.

The few times he'd tried, he'd become despondent and depressed—as he'd found a lot of negativity about Jump, and in truth about himself in particular, even from people who declared themselves to be his fans.

Sometimes he just didn't understand how he could make everyone happy—and then one day he'd finally grown up enough to understand the truth.

This time the lesson didn't happen during therapy, as much as it helped him—rather, the moment that changed his view came from his mom, which seemed to fit the overall narrative of his life.

On a rare afternoon off work, he'd made plans to eat lunch with his mom.

He'd been agitated that whole day as when he'd awakened, while browsing the internet he ran across an article about himself and like an idiot, he'd read the comments. Each one of them seemed to push the jagged knife further and further into his heart, and he warred with being angry and despondent over the way people were talking about him.

He didn't mean to get so caught up in them, he didn't mean to even read the article let alone the comments, but he just couldn't stop himself, just couldn't look away—like seeing a train wreck. One thing led to another and then to more and before long the morning had passed, all while he'd been consumed with reading horrible comments about himself, from fans and those who didn't know them both, his heart tender and raw and broken when he'd arrived at his parent's house.

Of course, his mother instantly took in his aura and knew without asking that something was terribly wrong—sensing his heart, she'd set about to draw the truth out of him in a way that only a mother seemed to be able to do despite him doing his very best to try to hide it from her.

When he'd admitted the truth of his feelings, she had drawn him into her arms for the kind of hug that squeezed all of the breath out of him, and then she drew back, grabbing his face in her hands, her voice firm and hard.

"Ryo-chan, you can't make everyone in the world happy, _it's impossible_ , so instead you should create a good and healthy goal."

"Kaa-chan," he shook his head in her hands, his eyes shifting away from her, unable to allow her to see the depth the fears had taken root, "I don't even know what that looks like anymore...I don't know how to tell...to even begin to know...what is a good and healthy goal? What does that look like?"

She smiled, her hands dropping down to take one of his in her own, "You tell me."

He shrugged, squeezing her fingers in his own, "Umm...maybe, half of the people—if I could make half of them happy?"

She hummed softly, her head shaking, "No, Ryo-chan, not half."

"A quarter? Surely a quarter then," he tilted his head, waiting for her response.

She laughed lightly, "Nope."

"No?" he twisted his mouth as he thought, "Then...ah...a handful?"

"No, not even that many."

"What?" he shook his head, confused, "How many then!?"

"Only one."

"ONE!?" he didn't mean to screech but he couldn't help it, his hands drawing up to run through his hair, "I'll lose my job if I only make _one_ person happy, Kaa-chan! You know this!?"

She laughed softly, leaning forward to grab his face and kissed his forehead before she released him, her voice tender, "Sweetheart, listen to me, and remember this if you don't remember anything else I have ever taught you."

The tone, the way her eyes seemed to hold such wisdom, he held his breath, and he nodded, uncertainty and hope warring within him.

"Years from now, your lovely face will grow old, your back may begin to round forward, your knees will no longer support you," she pulled his hands into her own, "I know it's impossible to imagine it, but...one day, you will not be able to dance and sing, or captivate your audiences."

His eyes widened at the very thought, as she continued, "It's a fact that beauty fades away over time no matter how blessed we are."

He nodded in understanding, her voice serious and sincere, "When that happens, then what is left is the soul of the person who once embodied all the traits others defined as perfection."

"In that moment, the praise and adoration of a world, a whole universe, will not give you any solace or peace, it will not bring you any happiness or joy, and it will not give you fulfillment or pride in the reflection of your life."

"But..." he wanted to stop her, wanted to correct her but she shook her head, and he knew he needed to hear all she had to say.

"Ryo-chan, in that moment, the only thing that will matter to you in all the memories of your life—the _only thing_ that will make you look back on your story and say 'well done' will be that you have lived each day in a way determined to please your own soul. That you have not compromised your _beliefs_ , that you have not been swayed by _pride_ , that you have never allowed the world to change who you are at the _foundation of you_..."

She took a shuddering breath, her hands squeezing his, "...in that moment, when all of the bright lights have faded along with the years—the only thing that will make you feel whole will be that you have always been _true to you_. That you've lived your life's story out in a way that reflected _who you truly are_ —that the _outside_ of you matched the _deepest, innermost parts of who you were meant to be, who you want to be, and who you should be_."

She paused, a tear sliding slowly down her cheek as she drew her hand up to pull him forward, his forehead resting against her own as she smiled, "Please, Ryo-chan," she smiled gently and he couldn't help the way his heart swelled, the way the emotions seemed to grow moment by moment, and then he felt the tears filling his own eyes as she continued, "Be who you were _designed to be—_ no matter whether the world accepts it or not—be _you_ , because...honey, _you're the only one of you there is to be_."

"Kaa-chan," he murmured, his arms wrapping around her as she laughed through her tears, her voice watery and suffused with emotion.

_"Ryosuke, just be you."_

He nodded, his words like the same kind of promise he'd made many years ago within his heart to take on a dream of a mom who would give anything to her child and who loved him despite his many flaws, the mom who was the most beautiful soul he'd ever known—full of spirit and contradictions and who looked so small and meek but really was bold and brave and taught him so much about being himself—and now, he knew, he wasn't quite there yet—hadn't really reached it, not yet, but with her help, he knew he would.

"I promise to become who I am meant to be," he murmured, nodding his head as he sniffled, the tears wet on his cheeks.

"Then _nothing else matters_ , not what anyone else thinks or says—because in the end of all things, you'll have done what you were meant to do."

"I'm afraid..."

"Of what?" 

"What if being me means I end up alone, Kaa-chan?"

"What on earth do you mean?"

"It's just...what if people only care about the idol, about the person I pretend to be, not who I really am?"

"Oh my sweet son, there _will be_ people who only care about the idol, of course, but they are so few and meaningless in your life."

"I-I'm–I'm lonely...it's not even that Masae and I spent a lot of time together or anything in truth," he shrugged, "...but...I guess it will sound stupid, but the truth is, I never felt alone because in the back of my mind she was always there...and now...she's not, and no one is really. My members, they are, of course, and you and Dad and the girls, but...I don't know....I don't know what I'm trying to say..."

"Ryo-chan, we're made to love and be loved, that's the truth, and you were not created to be alone."

When he opened his mouth to speak she stopped him immediately, "I know all about this new philosophy you have on life and love and relationships," when his eyes widened she shook her head, "Your sister told me–and don't be mad at her, I already knew it–she just _confirmed_ it."

He threw his hands up in the air and she laughed, "To be perfectly honest I think it's about the dumbest thing you've ever come up with! I know what you mean, of course, I do–but Ryo-chan, you can't think about life in such absolutes! You have no idea what even _one day_ can change! From one moment to the next a world of possibilities is always spinning around us–and if you close yourself off to those things then you keep entire chapters of your story from being written."

"But I..."

" _No_ ," his mother spoke the word firmly, shaking her head, "I can respect the reason you feel as you do–our self-preservation instincts are designed to keep us from making the same mistakes over and over again– _but Masae wasn't a mistake_ –she was a _learning experience_. Now, you learn, and you move forward a better man for having had the lesson."

"I don't know how to do that..." he admitted softly.

"You don't _do it_ , there's nothing to do at all, just live life with an open heart, tender as it ever was, waiting in rapt anticipation for all of the _possibilities_. Every breath you take is filled with potential, with promises, always swirling around seeking the foundation to grow–and when you give your soul the freedom to feel again, you're going to find the one reality you will not be able to deny."

He blinked at her and in that moment her heart swelled, as it was the same as seeing him when he was just that small boy, full of flighty dreams and cloud filled hopes that just needed his mom to tell him everything was going to be okay.

"You will find in that moment," she leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss against his forehead before she drew back, her eyes riveted to his own, "Each and every one of the dreams you thought you had lost, that you believed to be erased by heartache and pain–that _all of them_ , are not only _still here_ ," she touched his heart with her finger, "but they have _continued to grow and flourish_."

He wanted to believe this, his hand reaching up to hold her own against his heart, and she smiled, the kind of smile that he'd always loved when he'd been a child–reflecting nothing more than the _knowing_ she always seemed to have, "Ryo-chan, I don't care what you say or think, _I know the truth_."

He hummed in understanding, smiling, because if there was one thing he believed beyond any shadow of doubt, it had to be this simple fact, " _You always do_."

I have often dreamed of a far off place

Where a hero's welcome would be waiting for me  
Where the crowds would cheer, when they see my face  
And a voice keeps saying this is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday, I can go the distance  
I will find my way if I can be strong  
I know every mile would be worth my while  
When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong

Down an unknown road to embrace my fate  
Though that road may wander, it will lead me to you  
And a thousand years would be worth the wait  
It might take a lifetime but somehow I'll see it through

And I won't look back, I can go the distance  
And I'll stay on track, no I won't accept defeat  
It's an uphill slope  
But I won't loose hope, 'till I go the distance  
And my journey is complete, oh yeah

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part  
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart, oh

Like a shooting star, I will go the distance  
I will search the world, I will face its harms  
I don't care how far, I can go the distance  
'Till I find my hero's welcome waiting in your arms

I will search the world, I will face its harms  
'Till I find my hero's welcome waiting in your arms

_I Can Go The Distance, Hercules Soundtrack_

It was also in that moment, that he decided to leave the world's view of him alone.

He'd always trusted the people who were getting paid the money to be in the know to actually keep up with all of that chaos and make sure they were moving in a positive direction versus a negative. So far that'd worked just fine for them, and he had set his mind to the fact that it would be in his best interest to not get caught up in the questioning that learning more about any of it beyond what he'd already discovered.

At any rate, despite there being a great deal of strange internal musings as he grew to accept the reality of where he was emotionally, as a whole, and in particular, after Masae—and more importantly, where his deepest desires wanted to be.

So while he had been working toward becoming a better version of himself, one that was far truer to who he really wanted to be versus who the world might expect him to be, he had also become intrigued, constantly trying to understand what was going on at Johnny's.

Strange things had been happening.

_Really strange._

First of all, there had been construction in the Village, the part of the Johnny's Complex where the debuted groups had their own sort of "dorms" in a more elaborate apartment style versus the gigantic bunkhouse the Juniors had downstairs. Of course, they generally only used the rooms if they were in hard-core practice modes for a tour, or something of that nature. Alternately, if they were required to work early in the morning, many of them elected to sleep in the Village instead of dealing with traversing traffic and such in the mornings.

Nothing had really been changed in the Village for _years_ , and like most things within the walls of Johnny's no one really seemed to have an explanation, though, naturally, there'd been rampant speculation that they were preparing for more debuts and would need to cut down the sizes for some of the apartments—nothing solid had been announced.

That didn't stop Jump from freaking out thinking about it, as they actually contemplated calling in to Julie and begging her to consider their sanity, as if they were all required to stay it was already ridiculously cramped in their apartment—so, they couldn't conceive of how it would be if they had to somehow manage with even _less_ space.

Ryosuke often thought that people must think that it was simply part of an elaborate ruse that Johnny's kept their talents in the dark, but in reality, it was completely true. He'd held out hope, and in truth pretty much everyone was holding out hope that Julie might change this, though so far, nothing could be further from the truth. Since her ascension to the presidency she had kept things close to the vest, and generally, they knew _significantly less_ than they knew before.

They'd discussed it—not just Jump, but all the groups—because nothing made any of them more nervous than not having any idea what was going on or why—especially when they had to feign understanding during interviews and such. While they were all pros at seeming to have an understanding of things even when they didn't, and especially talented at misdirection and turning things to other topics—it didn't change the fact that it left them all thoroughly unnerved most of the time.

It wasn't that they didn't know why she handled them like this or appreciate the fact that there were _a lot_ of ways things could go sideways on Julie if information leaked before the company was ready to deal with the issues some of her changes were going to create both within and outside of Johnny's.

Jump felt good about their trust in her, glad that they had that kind of foundation with her, so for those other Johnny's who weren't sure and questioned her process, Jump had made it a priority to encourage them to have faith in Julie and her goals even if it was hard to understand her methodology.

They'd become her number one cheerleaders, and the other Johnny's came to them regularly to try to get an understanding for new policies and decisions.

Another strange thing was the number of new faces—and not just in the common areas—but within the restricted areas that required badges to access.

Despite Johnny's being a multi-billion-dollar company with hundreds and hundreds of employees—the truth was, they at least knew most of the people who worked with their group, as well as those who were assigned to them in most all of the many departments. Additionally, they would recognize most people who worked with the other talents as well, at least by sight, if not by name.

It seemed to Ryosuke that there were a whole lot of people he didn't recognize milling around—some of them in the backstage areas, some in costuming, many of them milling around between floors and all of the practice rooms.

He'd started to wonder if there were more surprises than just Jump touring internationally...though he couldn't begin to guess what it could possibly be.

All he knew was that the retreat with the American group didn't start for another three weeks, and even then, as far as he knew their entire team wouldn't be arriving for several months—so it seemed to him to be quite unlikely that all of this was in response to their own upcoming announcement—but as far as he could tell, practically every single resource that wasn't actively working with the other groups for their own tours, projects, and such were diverted to work on their tour.

Not just that, he'd also been having a really weird experience with some of the Juniors—granted, they were all pretty well versed in kids running around Johnny's, it was just normal for them—of course, thanks to the hundreds of Juniors—but this was decidedly different.

A few days before, he'd been walking down one of the hallways toward where they were going to be practicing drums that day when he saw one of the younger kids dressed in some kind of costume. It looked to him to be some sort of fuzzy animal, but he'd been too far away from them to tell what kind it was—not to mention, they'd turned the corner before he could make sense of it.

The strange part of it wasn't necessarily seeing one of the boys in a costume, after all, they used a lot of different ones—but this was somehow unique specifically because he'd only seen _one_ person wearing it that whole day.

Usually, if they were designing costumes for a show, there would be a billion little animals running around the complex—but there was only that single one.

Then another day he'd seen yet another animal, but again, only in passing as he'd been walking through one corridor and they were moving past him into another. It had all become very strange, and when he'd asked Yuri about it, he didn't have any ideas–not having seen any of the animals himself.

So far, he'd seen five animals in a week—a strange situation to be sure, since each time he'd glimpsed one of them they were always alone, and never in the same costume.

_Maybe they're testing fabrics?_

_Maybe they're going to do some kind of routine with all sorts of animals._

_A zoo theme?_

_A circus theme?_

_Maybe?_

He'd given up on the thought of figuring it out, still intrigued but when no one else seemed to know anything he had to settle for not knowing and understanding if and when he would need to know they'd tell him.

He'd ended up in wardrobe one day and noticed there were some new stations set up, which definitely piqued his curiosity, because honestly, Johnny's had their design and crafting team working like a well-oiled machine at this point, so changing things up was something odd that he had added to his 'strange' list.

Yet...change did seem to be the norm at this point...he couldn't argue with it—the changes with the Village, the changes with the staffs, and the changes with the wardrobe and costuming facilities...

_So many changes..._

It had become a fairly routine occurrence for them to nap throughout the day while recording, as they were invariably held there while the tracks were checked, and other members recorded.

Studio days were always long and drawn out, the requirements for each of the members were complex—and since the entire group was scheduled through the day to record different tracks individually, and some of them together—there were sometimes long waits between turns so that others could do their parts.

In all fairness, Johnny's had done their best to make the talents as comfortable as possible during the process.

The complex had fourteen full studios of various sizes and amenities, capable of handling a single singer, a large group or chorus, bands and even a room large enough for a fair-sized orchestra. All the various studios were all connected by the "Plaza", a fancy name for what was basically a gigantic living room with seven pit areas that you stepped down into that held furniture and end tables and such to make the invariable long waits more bearable.

The room itself was an oblong shape and large enough you would have to yell across the area to hear someone on the other side.

There were televisions suspended from the ceiling but not usually turned on unless some of the other younger Johnny's were waiting who might want to watch cartoons or anime. The upper half of all the walls in the room that divided the plaza from the individual recording studios were made of glass, so you could see into the spaces from anywhere in the room. There were also screens and audio that linked all the studios together to facilitate larger groups recording.

It wasn't at all unusual for Johnny's to rent out their studios to other local talents, as they boasted of one of the most state of the art recording systems bar none in all of Japan. Many of their very own competing acts actually recorded right there beside Johnny's talents.

Because of this, it didn't give Ryosuke pause to glance up to see the two studios at the end of the Plaza had their display lights set to 'in session' signaling that someone was currently recording—though he did wonder at the time of day, glancing down at his watch, realizing it wasn't even 8am yet.

His eyes widened as they drifted over the area and discovered that there were quite a few other people in the room settled into the pit areas by those studios.

He counted twelve people total.

_Now, that's something to add to my strange list._

He leaned over to tap Yuri's arm who had been busy digging through his bag trying to find his notebook. He looked up at Ryosuke who pointed across the room at the crowd of people, "Wonder who they are?"

"Not locals," Daiki whispered, his eyes wide as he took in the sight of the group of people talking in hushed tones, seated in the large pit between studios G and H, "That doesn't look like dyed hair to me."

Granted, it wasn't weird for there to be strangers in the studios, but it _was_ certainly unusual for there to be so many there together, as these people clearly were, not to mention that they appeared to be foreigners.

The boys tried to be inconspicuous as they stole glances at the group, confirming that the majority of them appeared to be naturally blonde, as well as fair skinned.

As far as he'd ever known, they'd never allowed access to their facilities to foreigners—a long held paranoia on Johnny's part about the evils beyond the borders of Japan or some such nonsense—honestly, he had no idea, all Ryosuke could be sure of was that clearly all of the rules were changing.

In fact, who could guess what Julie had been up to since her take over at this point?

_Maybe this is just another movement forward in her plans of world domination._

Ryosuke laughed softly at the thought, settling back into his chair and lifting his feet to prop on the central footrest, folding his hands on his chest, his eyes fluttering closed, "Wake me when it's my turn."

Yuri rolled his eyes, opening his notebook to go over his lyrics for the morning recording session while Daiki laughed, looking at the day's schedule posted on the board above them, realizing that Ryosuke would probably be granted his wish of a little sleep before recording given the fact he was third to lay down his first track.

Their crew hadn't arrived yet, but Daiki knew he was assigned to studio C, and the first track was with him and Yuri both, so he gestured to Yuri to be quiet and stood up walking out of the pit.

Yuri nodded, setting his bag down, and followed him into studio C.

Ryosuke had fallen fast asleep nearly instantaneously, and mumbled lightly when he felt someone touching his leg, "Is it time?"

He opened his eyes wanting to slap away whoever was still tapping his leg, as he hated being touched in general, but especially when he was asleep. He jerked upright quickly when he opened his eyes to find himself looking into the bright blue eyes of a small child saying something to him in a language he didn't understand, _at all_.

He opened his mouth, but then realized that the child probably didn't speak Japanese.

He looked around frantically trying to figure out what to do with this tiny person who was now resting her hand on his knee, her wide eyes staring at him. He turned his head, eyes connecting with a woman rushing across the Plaza, clearly coming to get the child, apologizing as she grew closer to them.

"I'm _so_ sorry, I looked away for a moment, and then..." the woman spoke in a very kind voice, her Japanese better than the average visitor to Japan, breathlessly apologizing, "I'm so sorry! She was _determined_ to come visit you."

"It's no problem," Ryosuke waved his hand, dismissing her concerns, his eyes drawn back to the little girl who had begun to pat his leg as she hopped from foot to foot, smiling brightly. There were two blonde pigtails pulled up on the sides of her head, falling far past her shoulders in ringlet curls, her cheeks were pinked, her head tilted to the side as she seemed to study him, and he couldn't help but admit internally she was one of the cutest children he'd ever seen whether she had been responsible for waking him up or not.

"What language is she speaking?" he asked, shifting up in his seat and leaning forward, smiling back at the girl.

"Swedish," the woman explained, making her own very odd accent make more sense to him, "She knows very little Japanese, but is quite fluent in English."

"Ah, I see," Ryosuke smiled, glad he'd been practicing so hard with his studies, "My name is Ryosuke," he patted his chest and then gestured toward her, "What's your name?"

His English certainly wasn't perfect, but at the same time he felt quite accomplished that he knew it to be fully understandable and his vocabulary was growing daily. He'd been working really hard, sincerely wanting to be able to communicate with their fans around the world.

The little girl shuffled her feet, her voice enthusiastic as she giggled, her hand slapping his knee softly, " _I know you!_ "

She bounced up and down on her feet, her dress swishing around her legs in her enthusiasm, "You're Yama-chan!"

The girl said this very in a matter of fact tone, as if it were the most normal thing in the world for her to know him, she laid her hand on her chest, "I'm Tindra," she lifted her hand, holding up five fingers, "I just turned five!"

Ryosuke's mind whirled with all of the questions he had, because this had become an exceptionally odd situation, though before he could get too caught up in the mystery, he dismissed it forthright, determined to fully engage with the little girl now, "Oh, wow, you're five? That's really grown up, huh?"

The girl beamed a bright smile, her cheeks tinged pink as she nodded, then spoke with great enthusiasm in the original language Ryosuke couldn't understand—which he now supposed was Swedish.

The woman leaned down to get the girl's attention, speaking very firmly in English to the little girl, "Tindra, he doesn't understand Swedish, you must speak to him _only in English_ for him to understand."

Tindra nodded solemnly, whispering sorry softly as she turned her head to look back at Ryosuke, pointing to the studio behind him, "Are you singing today?"

"I am," he glanced over his shoulder to see Daiki and Yuri in studio C, already recording. His eyes moved to the clock on the wall and realized he'd probably be called in soon.

"I'm next, after those two," he gestured to the studio behind him, turning to look back at Tindra.

"I like to sing!" she bounced up and down on her toes, clapping her hands excitedly.

"You do? What do you sing?" he couldn't help but laugh at her enthusiasm, clenching his fists to stop himself from touching her golden hair as it looked _so soft_.

"All kinds of songs," she mused, her mouth twisting up as she considered the question.

"What's your favorite?" he asked, picking up his bag to pull out his tablet to get his lyrics for the first song he'd be working on pulled up.

"Come onna my house," the little girl said softly, her expression suddenly bashful, her eyes moving to the floor between them.

Ryosuke looked up from his tablet to the little girl in wonder, his head tilting as he considered her response.

_Did she just say one of our songs was her favorite song?_

_How does she even know about our group in Sweden?_

"Your song!" Tindra exclaimed excitedly, patting his knee as she bounced up and down, her pigtails swishing around her face, causing Ryosuke to glance up at the woman in shock.

"She knows me?" he asked with wide eyes.

"Yes, she's a big fan," the woman laughed lightly, reaching down for the girl's hand, "Come, Tindra, we need to let him work."

Tindra's bottom lip poked out as she pulled her hand away, casting her eyes to the ground, her arms crossing as she pouted, "But...but...I want to sing for him."

Ryosuke waved his hand in the air excitedly, trying to not have a complete meltdown over the very thought of this little girl singing for him, leaning forward in the chair, resting his elbows on his knees, "I'd love that, I have time."

_They'll have to wait for me regardless, I'm hearing her sing._

Tindra smiled brightly as she took a step back from him, clapping her hands excitedly, and then she stood very straight for a moment as if preparing herself—clearing her throat, and then, like she'd been doing it her whole life she launched into the chorus of "Come On A My House" complete with the proper dance and movements.

Ryosuke had become so excited he couldn't stop himself from laughing as he began to sing the song and do the arm movements along with her.

They both giggled happily when they finished the chorus, and Ryosuke clapped for her, "Wow! That was amazing! We will ha—"

"Yamada-san," someone called out from across the space at Studio F, "You're up!"

"Ah, I'm sorry, Tindra-chan," he reached forward ruffling her hair without thought, finding it as soft as he'd imagined, "Maybe we can sing some more later!"

The little girl bowed politely, "Thank you, Yama-chan," she smiled, reaching over to take the woman's hand and started skipping her way back to the pit across the room, pulling the woman along with her.

The woman smiled, waving as she shuffled away, "I promise proper introductions later!"

Ryosuke laughed and nodded as he walked toward the sound tech who had called him to record. As he moved in the same direction as Tindra to reach his studio, she would turn and make a silly face, so he'd make a silly face back each time until they both were laughing together.

As he neared the door he glanced into the neighboring studio beyond his, where the light had been on since they'd arrived a few hours ago.

He became suddenly dumbfounded, because inside the booth stood a child, though he couldn't make out their age, since they were wearing one of the costumes he'd seen around the complex for the last week. This one seemed to be plush and fuzzy, with paws and a hood, cat ears sticking up on the top, all white and pink and fluffy and soft looking.

_Could it be a single child all this time?_

_One child all along?_

_Really?_

_Strange._

_Still, oh my gosh, that's so freaking cute._

He couldn't explain why he thought it was one of the cutest things he'd ever seen, this kitten clad child, hands drawn up into fists in front of them as they leaned forward to sing into the mic, but then he considered that he'd perhaps become overly sensitive at the moment from the interaction with Tindra—his affection for children no secret to those who knew him—he was a sucker for a cute child.

_Such a precious little girl!_

He blinked, watching as the child in the booth shifted to the side, his eyes widening when he saw the long, flowing blonde hair as it peeked out of the hood. He watched as she shifted back away from him, intent on whatever they were recording, her eyes downcast at the music stand in front of her as she sang.

He couldn't tell much else about her but wondered at Johnny's renting space to people from Sweden.

_I suppose wonders will never cease._

All those days watching from the windows  
All those years outside looking in  
All that time never even knowing  
Just how blind I've been

Now I'm here blinking in the starlight  
Now I'm here suddenly I see  
Standing here it's all so clear  
I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light  
And it's like the fog has lifted  
And at last I see the light  
And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright  
And the world has somehow shifted  
All at once everything looks different  
Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream  
All those years living in a blur  
All that time never truly seeing  
Things, the way they were

Now she's here shining in the starlight  
Now she's here suddenly I know  
If she's here it's crystal clear  
I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright  
And the world has somehow shifted  
All at once everything is different  
Now that I see you

Now that I see you

_(I See The Light, Tangled Soundtrack)_

_Those can't be real._

His breath caught in his chest, the world feeling like it was shifting under his feet, everything unstable around him, his hand reached out to grasp desperately at the music stand to steady himself—her body froze in place, her mouth poised in a tiny 'o' from a note she'd been singing, as her eyes widened for a moment, and then her entire posture seemed to change instantly, her body shrinking inward, her gaze drawing downward, long lashes laying soft across her cheeks, lips curling into a shy, bashful smile as her cheeks pinked to match the color of her fuzzy outfit, then before he could process what was happening she'd shuffled quickly, changing her position—turning herself to the side, her hood pulled forward so that all he could see was the very tip of her nose and some of the blonde hair curling around the edges.

_She can't be real._

He stood frozen in the same spot, wondering for a moment if he'd actually imagined the enchanted picture he'd just seen, that in all the world there–just mere feet away stood someone whom he could have never imagined, couldn't have put his mind to work to dream of such a lovely picture, a bit of light that shined brightly from so near to him, a tiny little flickering flame in a wide, dark world.

He'd spent so much time, so many years, long before Masae broke his heart, in fact, long before then he'd begun building the walls around the whimsical parts of his mind, the deep recesses that held out to the very end where he'd vanquished every romantic notion of love and destiny and fate–locked them up, set them to eternal darkness...and then, in a single moment, with vibrant blue and delicate pink and a moment of sweet shyness, he felt the feelings flooding through his body–the release of all of the things he'd place aside–set apart from himself–instantly broken through every defense he'd so carefully crafted.

Thoughts and dreams and hopes and ideas stretched out before him, a world full of new colors and thoughts of dreams once held at bay by doubts and fears pooled around his feet as if bowing to a master, rising slowly as if to lift him beyond his self-imposed prison–and then he knew, this feeling, the tingling in his fingers to touch something soft, the way his feet wanted to move away from the mundane and step into the bright light of hope–he knew...this was the truth.

The impossible reality had blinked shyly at him from afar, and he knew that his heart really was still alive–that the moment he'd been treasuring somewhere deep inside himself, held closely in reserve because the mere idea brought him such joy–he knew he'd have to call his mom tonight–because she was right.

The potential, the myriad of possibilities were still there–the world that had continued to spin despite his brokenness had finished a new revolution that took two people who had been in different orbits–both of their paths moving through all of the universe to finally, at this one tiny point of time and space–cross together in this single moment.

His and hers.

Theirs.

_I haven't lost myself, my heart still grew new dreams._

_Is this real?_

He blinked, his eyes seeing her anew, finding her still there, still real before his eyes, too impossible to be true.

_Is she real?_

_Did she really look at me?_

It had all happened so fast, _but no_ , he _knew_ she had.

He inhaled, the shuddering breath shaking his body as he tapped his fingers nervously on his pant legs.

It was abundantly clear to him, the simple fact that this _wasn't_ a child at all, rather, a woman. A cute, fluffy, adorable kitten of a woman–but a woman none the less.

Beautiful—her eyes were beautiful, the most breathtakingly beautiful eyes he'd ever seen—but it wasn't just the color — rather, it seemed to him as if he could see beyond the unique shade of blue, like he could see a kindred spirit, an old soul like he'd always been accused of possessing.

He desperately wanted to see them again to figure out if it was real or not.

_Whether she's real or not._

_Her eyes...really, though...not her._

_Liar._

_Shut up, shut up, it's not like that._

_Right, not her,_ _just her eyes–I thought the deal was no more lies..._

_Fine._

_Fine, sure, her whatever...whatever..._

_She's...she's...enchanting...captivating...all those poetic words from the fairy tales Mom used to tell me when we were children._

_She's all those combined._

_God....this is a little too much truth, calm down, it's just a girl, nothing else, just a girl dressed up as the most adorable little fuzzy pink kitten in the world and oh my God she's singing over there and I..._

_Damn, Ryosuke, get it together, you're here to sing._

_SING._

_SINGING._

_Yes...that..that...okay..._

He blinked, realizing how long he'd been staring across the studios at the girl, though he suspected despite it feeling like he'd been standing there for a lifetime, it was probably mere seconds. He clenched his eyes closed, doing his best to dismiss his racing thoughts forthright, chastising himself for letting his mind run wild, especially when he was in the studio to work— _not_ get lost in his imagination.

He cleared his throat, forcing himself to turn away from her, doing his best to admonish himself for being so caught up in all the crazy incidents this morning—biting his lip as he attempted to center himself, finding his focus, and then instantly pushing the entire situation to the side—he was there to work, and work he was going to do.

_Be the idol._

He tapped his tablet, bringing up his lyrics, pulling over a stool to sit on, then glancing up at the two recording techs who were fiddling with settings, "I'm gonna warm up."

He nodded when one of the techs waved, as he began to do his voice exercises to get primed for recording. They were busy in the booth for a bit and it gave him time to run through all of his prep work, and then one of the techs spoke through the speaker, "We're ready when you are Yamada-san. We'll start the track and run it through twice without recording. We'll signal when we're recording—you're only going to lay the first verse right now. We'll do the chorus with the others. After we get the first verse we're going to move to the other three lines, one by one."

Ryosuke nodded, standing up and pushing the stool back so he could have room to move if needed, he slid the headphones on his head and nodded along to the music when it began. They were running through the track that had the voices recorded on it for reference first, and he sang along with his lines through the first go through.

The second time the song played strictly music without the background vocal keys. He sang along with it, and then waited as they queued up the song for the third time.

The morning seemed to pass quickly after that, with his focus on the music and tracks they were working on, surprised when they called lunch break. He glanced at the clock, discovering it was nearly one in the afternoon, and as if the acknowledgement that it was time to eat was enough to give his tummy permission to complain, he felt positively famished almost immediately.

After gathering up his belongings, he thanked the studio workers and checked the schedule to see what time he was due back. He didn't have to return for two hours, so he walked out, glancing to the far studios to see that the people who were there, and more specifically the white pink fuzzy blonde blue-eyed girl, were no longer in the studio anymore.

He couldn't help the way his heart dropped, frowning, disappointed, as he had hoped to meet them, and in particular meet _her_.

He was floating, consumed by his thoughts of how he could find out who they were, who he could beg for information, still in a daze when Daiki threw his arm around him, he bucked his shoulder in aggravation, tossing the arm off, forcing his tone to sound dull despite never feeling more alive, "What do you want?"

"Where are you?" Daiki laughed softly, shaking his head, "You're off in your own world."

"I'm right here, idiot!" Ryosuke grumbled, smiling despite himself, hoisting his bag up onto his shoulder as he turned, "Let's go eat!"

The boys had run into Keito who had been to his English tutoring lesson for a few hours in the hallway on their way out. He didn't have to record until they returned, for his lines and chorus work on the current song, so he joined them as they headed out for lunch.

They walked to a small café type shop, renowned for their coffee and pastries, but also served soup, salads, and sandwiches.

The four boys had been sitting in the corner booth of the café for about an hour, having finished their food, they were just passing time while they drank their coffee—discussing the upcoming retreat where they'd be meeting the crew and other band members they'd be working with during the tour and more specifically going over all of the gossip in Johnny's for the last month since they'd all been so busy they hadn't been able to catch up easily.

"I heard that they're getting a new song that was actually supposed to go to someone else but the Jimusho thought that they couldn't sell it—especially when the concept for the video came through. Apparently, they think they're not capable of pulling off the pitch of the chorus OR the look required for the video."

Ryosuke looked at Daiki after he finished speaking, his tone low, "What in the world was the video about?"

Daiki shrugged, "I have no idea but it was one of Akida's scripts, so I feel like it was probably something rather racy."

"She did 'Hitomi no Screen' for us right? That wasn't especially racy at all?" Yuri spoke around his coffee cup as he took a sip.

"Well, no, that wasn't but you guys were also what? Sixteen? I don't think she would have thought to write something for us like what she's been writing for some of the other bands—not Johnny's, but from the other label, for sure," Daiki's eyes shifted to the doorway when a ruckus seemed to be happening there.

Yuri turned to look to the side to see what Daiki was looking at and instinctively reached beside him to hit Ryosuke on the chest, his hand flailing about until he grabbed his shirt to pull him forward.

Ryosuke's hand slapped at Yuri's trying to make him let go, "Knock it off, you're going to mess up my shirt!"

Yuri didn't release the shirt just pulled further forward with more force, to which Ryosuke huffed dramatically, leaning up and around Yuri to see what the fuss was all about.

He took in the scene quickly, discovering a large group of people who had just entered the coffee shop—along with some kind of crowd outside the coffee shop who were taking pictures and buzzing around the windows.

He watched the crowd carefully, wondering if they'd been spotted or not, but none of them seemed to even look their direction.

His eyes drifted around the room to the people who had made their way across to the cashier to wait in line when his eyes landed on the unmistakable color of white and pink fur in between the group, peeking out here and there as someone would shift, only able to see bits of her as she was so short she was blocked most of the time by the other people.

She had the hood up and was wearing a sort of draping pink furry coat over top of the cat outfit, but he knew it was her without a doubt. He cursed the people who kept blocking his view, feeling like they were doing it on purpose at this point.

The room buzzed with conversations in what sounded like English, and then one of them stepped up to the counter and placed a large order using flawless Japanese, apparently for the group, who were now walking over to some empty tables they slid together so they could all sit down.

"What's the big deal?" Ryosuke asked, keeping his tone flat and unemotional despite his burning curiosity, unsure why Yuri was so excited about the group, despite his own feelings, he slapped at Yuri's hand which was still holding fast to the front of his shirt.

"Sorry," Yuri laughed, uncharacteristically nervous as he released the material, "You didn't see _her_?"

"Who?"

"That girl, she's...surely I'm mistaken!" Yuri reached into his pocket to pull out his cell phone and began tapping buttons.

Ryosuke had no idea what he was on about, and absently wondered if maybe Yuri had met the people at the studio before.

Ryosuke watched as Yuri messed with his phone, then he leaned around Yuri to glance nervously back to the window to see that the large crowd of people outside who were not leaving.

Not something he was really wanting to deal with today.

"Who is it?" Keito asked, leaning around Daiki to try to get a better look, but not really seeing anything as most of the people were wearing jackets and hats on their heads to protect them from the chill that filled the early Spring air.

Daiki shrugged, lifting his coffee up to take a slow sip, watching Yuri on his phone.

"It's her!" Yuri exclaimed, holding his phone out to show the others the picture on the screen of a young woman with long reddish blonde hair smiling brightly, "I'd know her anywhere!"

"Kawaii!" Daiki squealed, pulling the phone out of Yuri's hand, as he flipped through the folder of pictures on Yuri's phone. Keito leaned in to see the pictures too and the two of them continued to squeal and carry on over what they were looking at on the screen.

Ryosuke had turned sideways trying to get a fix on what was going on with Yuri who had suddenly begun messing with his hair and wiping his hands on his pants as he stared across the room.

Ryosuke reached over, poking Yuri in the arm, "What's the deal?"

Yuri laughed, a short nervous laugh, "That girl over there, she's the current Olympic gold medalist for rhythmic gymnastics!"

Ryosuke wasn't surprised that Yuri knew who the current champion was, as he knew his entire family were gymnastic enthusiasts, given that his Dad had been an Olympic competitor as well, but he still wasn't clear on _why_ Yuri was acting so bizarre, and wondered if the girl he was talking about was the same girl in the pink cat outfit, "And that means... _what_ , exactly?"

"It's _nothing_ ," Yuri mumbled, running his hand through his hair again, his eyes darting to the side to look at Ryosuke before glancing back across the room.

"What!?" Ryosuke squealed loudly, realization suddenly dawning on him, " _You like this girl?_ "

Yuri yelped, turning to place his hand across Ryosuke's mouth none to gently as he hissed, "Shut up! You idiot!"

Ryosuke couldn't contain his laughter and would have likely drawn a lot of attention to them if his cackling weren't muffled somewhat by the hands now covering most of his face as Yuri pressed him back into the corner of the booth.

"Shut up! Shut up! Oh, my gosh, you idiot!" Yuri was frantic, glancing back behind him to see if the crowd across the room had noticed them. Thankfully, they had not, so he continued to slap at Ryosuke who was now laughing even harder at his feeble attempts to make him be quiet.

Yuri sighed loudly, his eyes catching the two pairs across the table where Keito and Daiki had stopped looking at the pictures on his phone and were now staring at the two of them.

"What?" Yuri barked, straightening up in his seat and then casting a long hard look at Ryosuke next to him who was still shaking, blessedly, with now silent laughter.

"You have a crush on this girl—like...you're _what exactly_?" Daiki mumbled, shaking the phone between them.

"A fangirl!" Keito supplied, busting out laughing, as Ryosuke snorted from trying to hold in his laughter, his entire face red as he tried to control himself, shaking the bench they were sitting on.

"These pictures are all _downloaded_ on your phone, Chii-chan!" Daiki laughed as he said the words, turning the phone around to show the gallery of thumbnails to Yuri, "There's like... _two hundred_ of them!"

Ryosuke pulled Daiki's hand toward him so he could actually see the girl they were talking about, reaching his finger forward to tap on a picture see it better. The image enlarged, showing a young woman with a heart shaped face, his fist clenching under the table as the same beautiful blue eyes he'd gazed into earlier shined bright.

_Those eyes..._

_It has to be her._

At least it seemed so to him, though it was hard to be sure, given how quickly the encounter had happened. He flipped the picture to the side, shuffling through a few of the images of her in the same outfit.

_Because I can't stop thinking about her._

_I'm completely disgusted by myself._

_I make myself sick._

He rolled his eyes at himself, having to admit, because there was no denying the fact that this girl was beautiful, whether she was 'the girl' or not—this girl had darker hair than the girl he'd seen, with light blonde highlights, sunshine glittering on the golden strands as it framed her face to fill the edges of the screen—a cream colored knit hat adorned her head, and her smile was positively enchanting.

She was absolutely adorable, beautiful really, somehow presenting a unique attitude of sass and innocence at the same time in the images—Ryosuke didn't have any trouble understanding what Yuri saw in her.

In truth, he found there was a slow burning agitation within himself that Yuri was somehow already connected to this girl, _whoever_ she was, though he couldn't exactly explain why he felt that way at all.

_I literally saw her for two seconds._

It was absurd, he didn't know the first thing about her—and most certainly, no matter how caught up in the emotions from before, he'd build a new life around the fact that he just couldn't believe in stupid romantic notions like 'love at first sight' or anything like that. Maybe before he did, but not anymore, and as far as he was concerned, never again.

_Never again._

The truth was, he'd fashioned himself entirely too 'practical' at this point in his life to even remotely entertain such things—but he simply couldn't deny that there _was_ something pulling at him. He wasn't stupid, he knew something had happened back at the studio, though he'd spent the last hour convincing himself it was mostly his overactive imagination.

He knew things like this didn't really happen, and he surely knew that there's no way he had any right to have such strong feelings about someone he hadn't even met in reality.

_There must be some other explanation._

_Jealousy maybe?_

Maybe just some kind of schoolboy rivalry with Yuri—after all, such things were common between them...still, he couldn't be sure, just something he couldn't describe or even label at this point, a feeling lodged there in the pit of his stomach—it defied logic because he'd seen this girl one time.

_If it could even be called 'seeing' her—I literally had a single moment in time of eye contact and then nothing._

Well, okay, so apparently—if this _was_ the same girl, then he'd seen her multiple times in the last week or so, but _still_ , he hadn't even been in the same room as her. So far as he could tell, maybe he was just struggling with extreme curiosity that would be satisfied as soon as Yuri could work it out so they could meet, that way he could find out whether or not the shade of blue was actually her real eye color.

_Situation solved._

_I'm laughing at your naivety._

_Rolling internally at how stupid you are._

_Damn it, just shut up already, get a grip!_

_It's nothing._

Having settled the matter within his own mind at least, Ryosuke twisted to look at Yuri, "Your _girlfriend's_ really pretty, Chii-chan!"

Ryosuke admonished himself at the strange, sinking feeling that swelled up inside of him from the words that he himself had spoken, pushing down the gnawing feeling in his tummy at the idea that this girl really was the one he'd seen earlier, releasing the phone, his body shaking with laughter at the look on Yuri's face.

"God, I hate you guys," Yuri hissed in a low voice, snatching his phone from Daiki's hand, "I'm not a fangirl, she's _not_ my girlfriend—my sister sends those to me just to harass me because I said something about how cute she was one time while she was watching the competition–I hardly ever watch rhythmic competitions–I watch artistic! Besides, she saves stuff on my phone all the time. I just...appreciate..."

"...How pretty she is?!" Ryosuke blurted out when he could finally catch his breath...because there really was no reason for him to deny the obvious no matter who the girl is, and since Yuri had an interest in her, he felt the freedom to tease him—as he was generally rather silent about his crushes.

_Of course, our current response is undoubtedly exactly why he refuses to talk to us about these things._

"I'm leaving," Yuri stood up, reaching back behind Ryosuke to retrieve his coat from the far corner of the booth.

Ryosuke grabbed his hand and yanked him harshly back down into the seat, "Sit down, Chii-chan, we'll stop!" He looked over at the other two, nodding his head, "We'll stop! You can't go out there now!"

At this Ryosuke reached over grabbing Yuri's chin turning his face toward the door where a large crowd was still gathered at the main entrance to the coffee shop. Yuri sat back down leaning against the back of the bench, crossing his arms, scowling at the others.

"It's okay if you have a crush," Keito smiled, "It's absol—"

"I don't have a crush on her!" Yuri leaned forward, his entire posture tense, "I mean, she's cute of course, I mean, you saw her, but I just admire her... she's an amazing athlete—her whole family is, really to be honest—it's like a weird genetic anomaly with all of them—but she's super talented and can do insane things tons of people can't even dream of doing!"

Ryosuke was about to call him out on his knowledge of her since he'd just said he didn't even watch her competitions but before he could Daiki spoke.

"Like you?" Daiki asked, sincerely curious.

"Well, I mean, I'm not even remotely on the level of competitive gymnastics, obviously, and rhythmic gymnastics is strictly for women—but even so, yeah, I mean I know athletes who have trained their whole lives for the Olympics that wouldn't be able to do some of the routines she does! She's just incredibly talented is all."

Keito and Daiki glanced across the room trying to figure out which one was the girl they were talking about since they all still had hats on, so they couldn't see any blonde hair to guide them. Ryosuke glanced up at the pink clad person whose back was turned to them, wondering if that was really the same girl who had been singing in their studio this morning, someone who was an Olympic gold medalist?

_Who is that talented?_

_Really, there must be some mistake._

Yuri pulled his phone up, setting his hand on the table to discreetly take a picture of the group, then attached it to a text message.

"What are you doing?" Ryosuke asked, looking down at the screen of Yuri's phone.

"Sending this to my sister—if you really want to know who the fangirl is, it's seriously my sister, she's going to die when she finds out!"

His phone lit up moments later with an attached video. He tapped buttons and a fifteen second clip of his sister jumping up and down squealing appeared on the screen causing them all to laugh.

"You weren't kidding," Daiki laughed, finishing off his coffee and then glancing toward the doorway.

"Nope, not at all," Yuri smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket, "She'll find out why she's here and let me know I am sure."

Ryosuke tried to be subtle about looking at the large group, having been captivated with the girl in the pink furry outfit, he hadn't paid much attention to the rest of them. His eyes widened as he realized there were two small children sitting near the end of the table, and it looked like one of them was the little girl, Tindra, he'd met earlier.

He was thoroughly confused.

_It really has to be the same girl from the studio—which means Yuri has a crush on her because she's an Olympic Gold Medalist and...a singer?_

"You should go meet her," Ryosuke suggested before he could think better of it, pointing across the room, thinking he needed to get closer to figure out who these people were, to just see her up close, just _once_ , "I mean, they seem pretty laid back..."

A new bubble of laughter sounded from the group across the room as they continued to talk and enjoy their lunch.

"No way," Yuri mumbled, "I'm not going to do what people do to us."

_Ugh, of all the times for him to be self-sacrificing it's the one time I really want him to be selfish._

_Curse my bad luck!_

Yuri gestured toward the door, meaning to use the fans outside as an example, shifting to look at the group outside, humming when he turned to look back at the boys at his table.

"Those people are not here for us, they won't bother us," Yuri stated, gathering up his garbage off the table, "They're here for them."

He nodded his head to the group across the room.

Yuri went to stand up, but Ryosuke stopped him, putting his hand on his forearm to hold him still, "How do you know?"

Yuri laughed, then gestured for them to look out the window again, "Almost all of them have on hats with cat ears, it's a signature item."

The boys all leaned around and realized that Yuri was right, nearly everyone in the group outside were wearing knit caps with cat ears.

"Maybe we should go out the back, just in case," Daiki suggested, turning to look for the manager they were friendly with who usually allowed them access through the kitchen if they were spotted by fans while dining in.

"Really, there's nothing to worry about, we don't generally have much of an overlap with that kind of fandom," Yuri mused, moving to throw his garbage away in the can a few feet away, turning and waiting for the others to follow him, "Sports fans don't generally have much use for music idols, to be honest."

They stood up, not completely sold that they would be able to go through the crowd out there without being noticed—but it turned out that Yuri was right, the group of fans outside weren't remotely interested in them, barely even giving them a rudimentary notice—which was nearly insulting given the nature of their normal outings.

He added it to his growing list of weird things...because weird things had certainly been happening.

_Weird._

_...and wonderful._


	7. 一期一会. Ichi-go ichi-e. 'One time, one meeting.'

Song Inspiration: Taylor Swift: Everything Has Changed

All of the boys had been insanely busy with preparations over the next few weeks, every day during the last month nothing more than a blank schedule until the day of an event, instant changes, and an unbelievable number of last minute appearances, schedules and unexpected meetings for each of them had kept them all out of sorts and anxious for the announcement so everything could finally get back to some semblance of normal again.

Despite the chaos, Ryosuke had been particularly obsessed with keeping an eye out for the pink bunny girl, though he'd been quite disappointed when he had not actually seen her. There had been a few times he thought maybe he'd caught a glimpse of her now and again, but by the time he would turn or rush down the hallway after her he'd lose sight of her.

_This place isn't that big._

It seemed to him that either the world was conspiring against him ever seeing the girl again or alternately, he was sincerely starting to think he was experiencing some kind of hallucinations from stress or something, because he couldn't make sense of anything about the mysterious girl.

He really didn't have too much time to concern himself with it as the three weeks had passed so quickly he blinked and it was finally the day of the big announcement to the press about their world tour.

All of the members were more or less prepared, though they hadn't been given any additional information at this point, Ryosuke glanced at his watch to see they had a little over an hour before the press conference, hoping maybe Julie intended to fill them in on the details in the time before the announcement.

_Probably not._

He shook his head as he walked into the dining hall, frowning at the sheer number of people crammed into the room. He moved slowly into the space, feeling a little overwhelmed, as there were far too many people for him to feel completely comfortable.

Most all of the junior executives from upstairs were there, across the room at a grouping of tables looking all important and such—he rolled his eyes, glancing over to another group of managers and agents who worked with their group, milling about with some other insiders—tons of people he didn't know, hundreds of them all over the place—he had no idea how many of the exclusive invitations had been given, but he knew full well that the people in this room were not press.

Of course, it wasn't surprising, Johnny's roots ran deep, and they tended to include anyone they'd ever worked with to avoid causing any bad feelings. The people in this room were the less influential types in reality, in fact, he was quite positive that the higher echelon of the company were likely entertaining the more elite celebrities, politicians, and such in the formal dining room upstairs.

He glanced to the wall of windows, the bright sunshine from the gardens illuminating the expanse of the wall, narrowing his eyes as he tried to imagine if there were this many people invited as _guests_ by Johnny's, how many people could possibly be waiting in the auditorium for the announcement.

"Sorry," he shuffled to the side to move out of the way as a group of Juniors entered the hall, Ryosuke's eyes moving slowly across the many other younger Johnny's and all of the many group members intermingled among the many tables eating or in the lines to gather their food from the buffet.

Of course, they were all there—after all, the entire complex was freaking out in anticipation of the closely guarded Johnny's secret that would be revealed during the press conference. The boys themselves had been hounded by everyone to try getting information from them, but none of them would willingly betray Julie in such a way—telling them they'd all have to wait just like everyone else, teasing them mostly by telling them they definitely didn't want to miss the announcement.

Ryosuke just rolled his eyes at the whole thing—the hype for these kinds of things sort of lost on him after all of these years. He supposed he understood, but then he actually knew what was happening and _why_ it was noteworthy—he couldn't imagine what all of these people thought was going to be announced.

Honestly, most things around the agency felt more like a circus these days and it was no wonder, Julie had made some very surprising changes, none which was more broadly discussed in hushed undertones than their anticipated, yet even at this moment very much merely rumored, move to the market abroad.

He reached down to lay his hand on his stomach, inhaling sharply as the smell of food hit him, his senses alive as he realized he was actually starving. He made his way to the buffet that had been catered by a local chef, one that Ryosuke recognized as a favorite, piling his plate high with the savory smelling foods. He moved to grab a water bottle and then carefully made his way through the tables to the long one near the center of the room that the other Jump members had already settled at.

The moment he passed by the tray that held multiple covered containers sitting on the end of their table, appearing with a round domed cover, like something that would be delivered by a fancy hotel, he did a double take, as an otherworldly scent wafted in the air making his mouth water. He tracked backward, setting his plate and drink down to lean over, glancing around to see if he'd be noticed, and when he confirmed no one was watching, he gingerly lifted the lid off the plate.

Steam rose up as he revealed a plate of four pancakes, steam rising off of them as they were still piping hot, the sweet buttery smell wafted up making his mouth water, humming in appreciation as his stomach reminded him again that he was actually starving. The top of the pancakes were covered in whipped cream and large ripe strawberries artfully cut into roses, brightly adorning the pancakes.

It was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen, and all he really wanted to do was to grab the plate and sneak away, so he could enjoy the food for himself. He reached out and picked up the lid from the cup sitting next to the plate, sniffing it and groaning when he realized it was strawberry syrup. He reluctantly reached over to check the covered cup, finding some kind of pink colored frozen drink held within, setting the lid back down, his eyes landing on the small plate of round scoops of butter, envy boiling up inside of him.

He glanced up at the others, "Whose is this?"

The others were busy stuffing their mouths full of food, obviously as hungry as he was after an early call to dance rehearsals that had only ended to give them enough time to shower and dress for the press conference, so none of them bothered to respond.

Yuri finally glanced up, his cheeks full of food as he shrugged his shoulders, drawing his attention back to his own plate again.

Ryosuke begrudgedly set the domed lid back down over the delicacy, looking at his own food with disdain, because as appetizing as it had been before, it surely didn't seem to hold much to be desired after the temptation of strawberry covered pancakes.

He glanced around the room, turning and leaving his plate sitting there next to the tray. Moving quickly to the other side of the dining hall to try to see if he had missed something, surely there was more of this food somewhere.

He raised up on his toes, trying to peer between two people to peek at the dessert table, thinking perhaps this is where the tray had come from but sadly, he didn't see anything like that, in fact, there weren't even any fruits to be found on the table once the people had moved and he could see clearly.

"Can I help you?"

His eyes darted up to the waitress behind the table who had asked him the question, a broad smile on her face, and he immediately apologized to her for seeming to be cutting in line, then asked, "Are there any _other_ desserts being prepared today?"

The waitress' eyes widened for a moment, and then drew down at the table covered in multiple desserts, one eyebrow raised as if to ask him what in the world he could _possibly_ want given the vast array of sweet treats already provided.

Heat spread across his face as his cheeks flamed red, speaking quickly, "I was just looking for... ah, pancakes, with umm...strawberries and whipped cream on top?"

The waitress nodded, somehow knowing what he was talking about, "We don't have any fruit here on the buffet, or pancakes, but..." she leaned forward toward him as if she was letting him in on a closely guarded secret, smiling knowingly, "Our pancakes really are the best!"

He laughed lightly, "Actually, I would have to argue that _strawberries_ are the best, making the pancakes just a bonus," he grinned, waving his hand, "Thank you—sorry to have troubled you!"

She smiled at this, her eyes moving past him to someone standing behind him, then she pointed to a man positioned off to the side of the room who clearly appeared to be overseeing the catering, perhaps the lead chef if his attire was any indication.

"He'd be the one to ask, as he could help you with your request," she spoke the words without looking at him, her hand moving down to the table, looking again past him at whoever was standing behind him, picking up one of the rolled silverware sets off the table and reaching out past him to hand it to the person she'd been looking at.

He nodded his head, whispering a thank you as he turned to leave, nearly running into a child who was standing directly behind him, his arms reaching out to grab onto their upper arms to keep from knocking them down.

A small squeaking sound came from the... _girl_...who was a... _bunny?_

"I'm sorr—" he stopped, his words stuck in his throat, blinking rapidly as he looked straight forward to see nothing but tall pink and white rabbit ears, then tilted his head down to find himself face to face with the fluffy pink blue-eyed mystery girl he'd been unable to stop thinking about.

His eyes widened, her eyes affixed to his chest, and then slowly, she tilted her head at a sharp upward angle to look up at him as the top of her head barely reached his chin, her bright blue eyes were impossibly wide and clearly startled as she attempted to move backward but couldn't because of the hold Ryosuke had on her arms, another small sound coming from her—something between a groan and a squeal.

His eyes moved frantically trying to take in the sight before him, to memorize every single aspect of this girl—because if she was the result of too much stress, this might be his only chance, suspecting once the secret about their tour was announced he'd feel like a weight had surely been lifted from him— _then no more hallucinations from an overworked mind for me._

His eyes moved across her flawless skin, then took in what she was wearing, smiling at the white and pink costume, confirming that his initial thought was correct, she was a bunny. His fingers contracted automatically, pressing into the thick fuzzy fur covering her small arms, feeling soft and fluffy under his hands. The ears on the hood that covered her hair were bent down in a cute endearing way, and her eyes were so blue next to the blonde of her hair framing her face under the pink of the hood that they looked like a bright summer sky.

Tightly clenched in her tiny hands, she held the silverware set the attendant had handed her moments before as if her entire life hinged on it—clearly startled from him nearly running over top of her.

His eyes landed on her mouth, discovering it was turned down into a pouting frown, which caused him to frown in turn, confused. As soon as his focus shifted upwards, her eyes darted away from his, looking quickly down at his shirt again, and suddenly he realized he was still holding onto her, releasing his hands like she was fire under his grasp.

He darted backwards, yelping when he felt the edge of the dessert table against his upper thighs, his voice high and strained as he apologized profusely.

The tiny bunny girl didn't say anything, just nodded sharply, stepping slightly to the side of him, tipping her head to the waitress who had handed her the silverware. Her entire face flaming red when she shifted back again, and then, without another glance to him, without a single word, she turned and padded off away from him.

He gasped, the wind having been knocked out of him from the experience, his fingers drawing up into fists to stop himself from grabbing her and forcing her talk to him.

He blinked rapidly, the fluffy pink round tail that adorned the back of her outfit bounced lightly as she walked away, the bunny ears on her hood swaying and bopping with her steps. Everything about her outfit was so soft and fuzzy looking and she was so tiny it was utterly absurd how the fabric was baggy and loose on her form.

She was undeniably adorable, and he was dying to know who she was and what her name was and why she was here and what she liked and how she spoke, what her voice sounded like.

He knew it was crazy, he couldn't shake it though, he wanted to chase her down to get all of his questions answered and he knew he was still standing there looking like a complete fool as he watched her move to the catering manager. Her head was turned downward, though she'd stepped close to the man, pausing for a moment, plucking the earbuds from her ears that he hadn't noticed as she leaned toward the man, speaking to him.

She nodded, then moved to a nearby table where she stood for a moment and then returned to the manager, handing him something, nodding and bowing before walking away.

As she turned away from the chef she seemed very focused, pulling the cord that was dangling down from the top of her collar, pushing the buds back into her ears, her head nodding a bit, then shuffling over to the table where the rest of his members were, picking up the tray that held the domed covered pancakes.

She didn't even seem to notice how all of the Jump members were looking up to watch her.

In fact, now that he glanced around, pretty much everyone in the room was either covertly, or completely forthright watching her. He couldn't put his finger on it, though somehow, he understood why—of course he did—but there was just something commanding about her presence. It didn't really make sense though, because she was so tiny and petite—barely noticeable in a crowd—but to him at least, it was like her aura was overwhelmingly captivating.

_The bunny costume might be a factor as well._

Some of the people followed her with their eyes just because the others were, although he considered that most of them were genuinely curious about this girl like he was.

The room was strangely quiet.

She turned away from their table, and Ryosuke found himself struggling to try to find a word for the way she was moving to the far corner of the room—the word 'toddle' coming to mind, but he guessed it was just because she was so small and dressed in a bunny costume that such a juvenile word popped into his head.

Once she'd reached the wall of windows overlooking the gardens, she set the tray down on the bar that stretched out, allowing a perfected view of the lush plants and trees beyond the windows. She twisted, reaching for the rolling chair and dragging it to her place, then crawled up into the chair, sitting with her legs curled up under her as she removed the dome, leaning to the side to place it on the floor.

He couldn't see what else she was doing, since she'd managed to turn her entire body away and the high back of the chair obscured his view of her. He cursed all chairs in the universe, wanting to close the distance between them so he could just stare at her, memorize her, but knew he couldn't.

He realized he'd been blocking the dessert table, turning and apologizing to the waitress and the people near him as he slowly made his way to his table, feeling dazed, and like his feet were filled with lead as he forced himself to go to his members and not across the room to her.

The room had resumed normal noises as conversations picked back up and dishes were moving again.

He retrieved his plate as he passed the end of the table, moving to the chair next to Yuri where he sat it down, opening his water and taking a long drink, his eyes moving away from the chair that held the girl, to look at the others who were all now forthright staring at him.

"What?" his brows furrowed, plopping down into the chair, trying to figure out why they were all looking at him expectantly.

"Did you actually just _meet her_?" Daiki asked, eyes wide with wonder, twisting to look at the pink bunny girl across the room, tilting his head in her direction.

"No, I nearly knocked her down," Ryosuke answered honestly, shifting uncomfortably in his chair as he admitted it, "She didn't actually speak to me."

"Hmm," Yuya turned to look over his shoulder at the girl, then went back to eating his food.

"That's weird," Hikaru mumbled, taking a drink before he continued, "She didn't speak to any of us either, just picked up her tray and went over there."

"I don't suppose she needed to speak to us, after all she doesn't even know us?" Kei mumbled, chewing thoughtfully.

"Maybe she's shy?" Hikaru suggested, glancing at the girl across the room.

"It's not like she has some obligation to talk to us, she's clearly here with one of these people who were invited today—I would guess she's one of their daughters or something," Yabu suggested, shaking his head like the matter was being taken entirely too serious for his tastes, taking another bite of his rice.

Ryosuke wanted to correct them, glancing curiously to the side to look at Yuri who was seemingly absorbed with eating his food, because he knew for a _fact_ that Yuri knew just the same as he did that the girl most certainly _wasn't_ just there randomly.

"She probably doesn't know Japanese, so it makes sense she wouldn't speak to anyone," Keito suggested, setting his chopsticks down beside his bowl, "I mean, that sounds bad, because of course, she _could_ be Japanese," he shrugged, tilting his head as he considered this, trying to remember if Yuri had mentioned anything when they'd had lunch about the girl and where she was from but not sure if he had or not, "...but if she's not, maybe she's not fluent in our language so she just didn't speak. I guess it depends on where she's from..."

"Sweden," Yuri blurted out between bites, one hand reaching up to cover his mouth.

"What?" Keito leaned forward, Ryosuke nearly broke his neck at the speed he turned to stare wide eyed at the boy sitting next to him.

_How does he know where she's from?_

Yuri hadn't mentioned that he'd met them since the café visit, and while Ryosuke knew where they were from because of the conversation he'd had with Tindra, he hadn't told Yuri anything about it.

"They're Swedish, or well, that's what my super obsessed sister says," he swallowed the bite of food he'd been chewing, clearing his throat, and Ryosuke wondered for a moment if he was lying about his sister being the obsessed one, focused on Yuri when he continued to speak, "but, they're actually from America—at least, _she_ competed in the Olympics for America."

When he said this Yuri nodded his head toward the door at the people who had just walked in, then took another bite of his food acting like there was nothing out of the ordinary happening around the complex at all, making Ryosuke want to smack him in the back of the head on principle alone.

Ryosuke huffed, tearing his eyes away from Yuri to look up to the doorway, his eyes widening as he saw the fluffy pink bunny girl walk into the room, but no longer a fluffy pink bunny—rather, she was now wearing a red knit cap, her hair pulled up into sloppy buns on each side.

She had on black pants that had thin cuts across front of them, a red shirt that seemed to have some kind of band logo on it, and a black hoodie, laughing along with the group of people she'd come in with, as they made their way across the room to the buffet line.

"What the...!?"

The chair screeched as Ryosuke bolted up, twisting as he stared at the girl, convinced he was losing his mind, then jerking to look back at the window where he'd seen the pink bunny girl sitting in the high-backed office chair—his eyes widening impossibly further when he could see the tips of the bunny ears poking out above the back of the chair.

"She's an identical twin," Yuri muttered around the bite he'd just taken, shrugging as his eyes shifted past Ryosuke to watch the girl in black as she moved through the line for her food.

Ryosuke wanted to tell him there is no way that he would have possibly realized that from what he'd known so far but couldn't be very heated over it since it certainly explained a lot of the crazy things he'd been experiencing lately, his eyes narrowed as he scowled at Yuri, "You could have mentioned that."

"I thought I did when my sister told me, sorry..." Yuri reached out to take another bite, "I mean, what else did you think it was?"

Ryosuke narrowed his eyes at him, wanting to tell him he thought he was going insane, but decided it was futile.

He twisted back around to look at the other girl, startled when his view was blocked by a catering attendant standing directly beside him with a tray in his hands with a dome over it.

"Yamada-san, this was prepared for you," the man stated the words as he leaned forward to set the tray down on the table beside him, bowing quickly then turned to walk away, clearly extremely busy, without waiting for a response. Ryosuke's mouth opened and closed several times, trying to remember how to speak and thoroughly confused.

He muttered a thank you to the air, since he'd have to yell it for the guy to hear him at this point.

All of the members were staring at him again, and he was waiting for the room to swallow him, feeling flustered and embarrassed from not being sure what was going on or what was actually under the dome.

He plopped back down in his chair, pushing the plate of his uneaten food away, as he slid the tray over in front of him. His face lit up with surprise as he lifted the dome to reveal a stack of strawberry covered pancakes underneath. The heavy cream was dripping slowly down the sides, his eyes slowly shifting around the plate, excitedly lifting the lids of the other containers to discover strawberry syrup, butter, a dish filled with extra strawberries, a pink frozen drink, and a small piece of pink stationary folded up and tucked partially under the plate.

He was too absorbed in the display to make sense of how all of the other boys were talking rapidly and excitedly about the tray of food.

He sat the dome down beside his tray, dragging the paper out from under the plate, his eyes landing on the cute characters that adorned the corners of the page making him smile, then blinking confusedly at the script he found written there, then recognizing it was probably English.

He reached across the table, holding the note out, shaking it toward Keito, his expression begging.

Keito nodded, wiping his hands off quickly on a napkin as he took the note, his eyes going across the words written there quickly before he read them out loud, "Because strawberries really are the best, enjoy!"

"Who's it from?" Ryosuke asked tersely, snatching the note from Keito's hand to look at it again.

"It was signed with initials, 'SJ'," Keito responded, shaking his head, "Cute paper aside, it looks like a girl's handwriting to me—considering the cute little face drawn there."

Keito shrugged, leaning forward to take another bite of his food, ignoring the others at the table who burst out loudly in a chorus of "ohhs" and "ahhs" and words about "secret admirer" and "girlfriend" and other such nonsense.

Ryosuke glared at them all, distracted by the mystery enough that he didn't actually care much about what they were carrying on about at this point.

His hand snapped out slapping Daiki's hand sharply as he'd attempted to snatch one of his strawberries, hissing, " _I will actually kill you_."

Daiki drew his hand back, feigning hurt feelings, and then laughing, finding Ryosuke to be especially cute when he was flustered and discombobulated like this—a rather rare occurrence in fact.

When Yuri's hand moved forward to attempt to snatch a berry off his plate, Ryosuke grabbed his wrist, narrowing his eyes in a threat, "You must be out of your damn mind!"

Yuri laughed, already having predicted Ryosuke's response after what he did with Daiki but still finding it amusing to push his buttons. Realizing he was being toyed with, Ryosuke shoved Yuri's hand away, shaking his head as he turned his attention back to the note, pondering the 'SJ', not really knowing those initials, his eyes drawn to the little face Keito mentioned, studying it carefully, and now that he was looking at it as something separate from the initials, it did appear to be some kind of animal, tilting his head—his eyes widened when he saw it— _a fuzzy bunny._

She was turned slightly in the chair toward him, so he could partially see her profile, and as he stared, her head lifted, her gaze moving slowly across the space between them until it connected with his own.

Her eyes widened for a moment, and then, in an instant, the chair flung sideways, and she was turned away from him to face the window again, the back of the chair shielding her from his view, the only part of her visible were the wiggling bunny ears above the edge of the chair.

Ryosuke was dazed, his mind whirling.

_She...could she_... _this girl_...could it be her that had sent him the pancakes?

_The strawberries?_

_Wrote the note?_

He wasn't sure, and not entirely certain how he could become sure, but he was going to find out—he _had_ to find out.

In reality, he felt pretty strongly it was the pink fuzzy bunny girl that had sent it to him at this point—in fact, he was rather convinced it was her. Though that left him at a loss as to _why_ she would do such a thing and especially as to how he should respond properly, since she'd turned away he didn't feel like he could even acknowledge what she'd done.

He intended to discover a way confirm it was her, and most certainly see to a personal thank you to whomever had sent them to him whether it was her or not.

He looked over the note again, the delicate swirls and small hearts that dotted some of the letters simply adorable, smiling as he carefully folded it, then tucked it into his jacket pocket, his eyes moving up from his hand to find Yuri studying him, his expression one of curiosity and confusion, and Ryosuke couldn't stop himself from frowning when Yuri grinned his 'I see what you're hiding' kind of smile.

_Not today Chii...not today!_

He knew he really should shut down all the stupid at the table, as not only their volume but the over the top assumptions were getting completely out of hand. He glanced around at the looks the other guys had on their faces, all laughing and having a good time, mostly at his expense.

It made him happy to see them happy, so despite knowing that he probably shouldn't let them continue to carry on, their happiness fueled his own. Plus, he seriously couldn't really think of much else at this point as he was positively starving, and nothing sounded better to him in the whole world than those strawberry covered pancakes.

"I'll make sure you all know who sent the pancakes the moment I know for sure," he muttered, slanting as severe of a look as he could muster toward them all, knowing they would hold him to it.

Everyone seemed satisfied at that, slowly drifting back into their own conversations, except for Yuri and Daiki who were still unreservedly staring at Ryosuke.

"Stop that," he snapped, putting a ball of butter on top of the pancakes and spreading it around with the whipped cream, pouring the whole container of warm strawberry syrup on top of them, and then cutting an oversized portion of the pancakes.

He stuffed the huge bite into his mouth as he popped a strawberry in with it from his other hand. His eyes rolling back in his head as the flavor burst in his mouth, jerking forward to slap his hands down onto the table as a loud, very drawn out moan hummed in the air in appreciation of the amazing taste.

He knew the group was looking at him, maybe the whole room, but he couldn't make himself even feel a little ashamed.

He'd never had anything as delicious as those pancakes in his whole life.

In between eating his pancakes and trying to stifle his nearly obscene response to the euphoric high he was getting from the strawberries he tried to casually observe the pink bunny girl. She had finished eating at some point and he couldn't believe his eyes when she'd turned to set the tray with a completely empty plate onto the table behind her.

He marked this as the first thing on his list of things to know about the mystery girl as 'she is not afraid to actually eat and clearly favors pancakes with strawberries'.

_A two for one!_

He had to hide his smile behind a cough at one point when her sister had approached her, their hand gestures and expression animated as they talked for several minutes—suddenly the girl that he'd seen as quite shy blossomed somehow like a tender rose—her face animated and bright as they spoke about something excitedly.

The sister in black had then snuggled into the chair with the bunny, both arms wrapped around her as she gently rocked the chair. It was endearing and Ryosuke could tell they were very close. Probably not particularly unusual given that they were twins he considered.

Some other people had approached them, mostly seeming to be involved in casual conversations, others more business-like. Either way, it seemed the sister in black spoke to everyone and the other sister just nodded or mostly didn't actually seem to be paying any attention to the people at all.

She had some sort of handheld game system out and was intently focused on it, he wondered what game she was playing—wondered if maybe it was a game he liked, maybe one he played himself. She had her legs pulled up in the chair with her arms wrapped around her knees while she played, tucked in like a little ball in the chair, small and unassuming. Her sister, who was equally as small as her, with both of them barely filling the chair, sat with her legs swinging beside her as she talked to a man who was dressed in a nice suit with a tie.

He was just finishing up his pancakes when Julie walked into the room, her eyes fixed on them. She crossed the space quickly and greeted them, "You guys ready for this?"

He wanted to tell her they'd be far more 'ready' for this if they had even the slightest idea what was actually happening, but he bit his tongue, refusing to get into that mess at the moment, he was entirely too happy from his tummy full of pancakes and strawberries to let it bother him at this point.

They all nodded, quickly taking care of their trays and mess on the table, then gathering to the side of the room where she'd moved to wait for them.

She glanced at Kei, groaning, "Did you get dressed in the dark today? Go!"

He laughed, shrugging when she dramatically pointed to the other side of the room where some of the people from the wardrobe department were rolling in racks of clothes through the double doors and had set up a makeshift screen changing area.

Ryosuke watched as their group's stylists entered, realizing that it made sense that Julie didn't intend to leave their presentation to chance today of all days. The dressing room area and greenroom had been closed a week ago and was not yet reopened, the construction in the Village seemed like it was messing up everything, everywhere in the entire complex, so he supposed this was the easiest way to get them all in one place at the same time to dress them.

Julie pushed Yabu toward them, telling the others to go see the stylists and get dressed, she glanced over at Ryosuke and rolled her eyes, "Do you own anything other than clothes that come out of a magazine?"

Ryosuke laughed, and shook his head, "I buy a lot of my clothes from magazine shoots, so that would be a no!"

She nodded, "Your pants are probably okay, but you're going to need to put on the rest of the outfit they've selected for you as we're going with a theme today."

Ryosuke nodded, watching as she walked across the space to the stylists, figuring he'd wait for the others to get done before he joined them, not wanting to crowd around the two stylists who already looked ready to pull their hair out at Hikaru and Yuri's antics. He laughed lightly as he leaned back onto the table behind him, grinning as his members complaining the entire time to the stylists, _mostly_ in jest.

He glanced over at the pink bunny girl absently to find that she was standing up, talking to an older woman who was leaning down to look her in the eyes. The girl was nodding her head, seeming to look so small next to the woman, almost shrunk in onto herself, her hand was moving against her thigh, holding onto something that was clipped onto her outfit.

He couldn't really understand why he wanted to go make sure she was okay, pushing the thought down inside as he clenched his hands into fists by his side, shaking his hands out and then folding them across his chest, confused by the feeling of protectiveness swelling up inside of himself, rolling his eyes at how weird he was today.

The woman walked away, which somehow relieved him, oddly, and then the girl turned to the window, resting her hands on the sill as she leaned forward, her head pressing against the window there, completely still for a few moments, then she turned, pulling back the hood of her outfit revealing her light blonde hair. Ryosuke's eyes widened as it tumbled forward reaching down nearly to her waist, thick with loose waves and curls, her hands reaching up to pull it back over her shoulders as she unzipped the front of the bunny outfit.

He tried to look away, he meant to, of course he did, his words fast and rushed in his mind as he listed all the reasons why he should, in fact, look away—as he was concerned he was seeing something he wasn't meant to, but he simply couldn't tear his eyes away.

She shrugged, shaking her shoulders, shuffling her feet to shimmy her body as she peeled off the outfit, the bunny falling to the ground in a puddle of white and pink around her feet, and there she stood with a pastel striped fuzzy sweater that looked like it was meant to be touched, the kind of sweater someone wanted to run their fingertips over as it looked fluffy like clouds, as if it would melt under your fingertips, falling down to her upper thighs where he discovered small kitten faces peeking out from the edge of the bottom of the sweater adorning the pale pink tights that were covering her legs.

He tilted his head, watching as she sat in the chair to pull the fuzzy slippers off her feet, reaching over to retrieve the bunny suit. Fiddling with it for a moment, her fingers unclipping whatever it was she'd been touching before and setting it down in the chair next to her while she folded the outfit up. She reached down to drag a bag from beside the chair to sit in front of her.

She pulled out some items, setting them in the chair behind her, and then pushed the bunny outfit down into the bag. She stood up, turning and then lifted something from the chair.

She leaned over for a moment and then she had pulled a fluffy pastel skirt up so that it was peeking out from under the edge of the fuzzy sweater, disappointedly covering up the cute kitten faces that were on her legs. She drew out a belt from the chair, a series of pink loops that she draped across her waist, lifting the item she'd removed from the bunny outfit and clipping it onto one of the loops on the belt.

She sat down in the chair again, pulling on what looked like a very colorful converse tennis shoe onto one of her legs, but different as it actually reached up to her knee, quickly putting the other one on, then stood again, doing some kind of little dance in place before she leaned over to pull something else out of the bag. She sat in the chair as she opened the small bag she'd retrieved out of the larger bag, pulling out bracelets she placed on her wrists, then tying a pale pink lace scarf around her neck shaped into a bow.

She reached her hands up to smooth her hair down, running her fingers through the curls, and he couldn't help but wonder if it was as soft as it looked—his mind drifting back to when he'd touched Tindra's hair and imagining that it was just as soft as hers had been.

Her head tipped back a bit, as she pulled both of her hands inward to her chest then she froze, sitting completely still, her eyes fluttering closed as her face relaxed completely.

Ryosuke glanced around quickly to see if anyone had noticed him staring, guilt swelling up inside of him at the idea he was invading her privacy—but then he considered she was actually in a very public place. No one appeared to have seen him looking so he glanced back over at her...finding she was still sitting in the same spot, looking pretty much the same.

She slowly opened her eyes, blinking rapidly, nodding her head sharply, reaching behind her and then up to do something to her hair, and when she drew her hands back down she had placed a headband with cat ears on it in her hair. They were fuzzy and white, and as she turned to put the small bag back, setting her fuzzy slippers onto the top of the big bag, he nearly laughed out loud when he realized there was a long white tail hanging out from under her sweater, fuzzy and curling into a wave that made it look like it was moving like a real cat tail.

He had no idea who or what this girl even was, but it took a lot to surprise him, and she seemed to be more than capable.

Her sister walked over, having removed her black hoodie and replaced it with a pastel colored sweater that had black detail work throughout it, with a pink beanie with cat ears on top of her head, she'd taken her hair down from the two buns, and it laid across each shoulder in long, loose braids. Two other girls joined them, and the girl he'd been watching sat in the chair, curling up into her legs as she stared out the window while the other three talked animatedly like she wasn't there.

Someone he recognized from management approached one of the women with them, and then there seemed to be some kind of discussion happening. Since they'd crowded around, he couldn't see the pink fluffy bunny super soft sweater girl anymore, sighing as he tore his eyes away from that side of the room, turning to look at his members across the room when he heard a bubble of laughter from all of them.

He discovered Keito was getting his outfit checked, unable to stifle his laughter at how strictly Julie was fussing with Yuri's shirt, telling the stylist the key was uniformity in color and base style, shoving Yuri behind the screen to change into whatever the stylist had put together for him.

Ryosuke pushed off of the table, sighing as he made his way over to the stylist who looked him over, having him turn around and then hummed softly, moving through the racks and then returning to him with new shirt, "Just this," she nodded, so he took the item, shuffling over behind the screen to put it on.

When he stepped out the stylist was holding up a gray sweater, which he slid his arms into, standing still while she fixed the collar of it across his chest to the others side, another stylist messing with his hair, and he was glad he'd sent to make-up before he'd come to eat. After a few minutes, the stylists stood back and then agreed he was ready to go.

Once he'd finished he tried to discreetly glance over at the bunny girl, his eyes widening when he discovered she was no longer there—in fact, no one was in the area where she'd been—and there were no traces of the bags or any of the items that had been there before.

He felt his stomach drop out, discretion utterly forgotten, he jerked around in a circle looking for her, not finding her anywhere, his heart clenched, and he felt like he couldn't breathe.

_Really?_

_Really!?_

The words floated gently through his mind in his mother's voice.

_一期一会._

_No._

_いちごいちえ._

_No, c'mon!_

_Ichi-go ichi-e._

_Stop it! Don't..._

_'One time, one meeting.'_

The words flashed through his mind despite his protests, directly referencing another one of the stories his mother had told him as a child at the forefront of his mind, and he felt the rebellion building within himself against the very idea—despite the terms having a nostalgic, heart-warming feeling to them, he couldn't help but want to scream at the idea that the single encounter he'd had with her was the one time he'd ever kind of, sort of meet her.

_I can't let that happen._

His mind swirled, clenching his fingers tightly by his side as he tried to squash down the desire to run out of the room and across the complex in a desperate search for her.

_She can't be gone..._

Ryosuke jumped when a loud whistle sounded by his ear, turning to see Daiki standing there with his hands on his hips, "Hello, are you listening at all?"

Ryosuke bit down the urge to yell at him for interrupting his escalating panic attack, but he froze, his heart stopping, because he knew this is not something he could, or more importantly _should_ be paying attention to—today was a vital day for the future of his group, and he couldn't afford to let himself get carried away.

_Not now, not today._

He blinked rapidly realizing he really needed to get his head into the game, shifting into his idol mode, nodding sharply, "I'm listening."

His eyes moved over the group as they gathered together, everyone looking nice in their outfits, pink and subtle earth tones, he liked the color pallet even if it wasn't something many of them would have chosen to wear if given a voice to it all, he turned to look at Daiki when he spoke.

"Apparently, we're heading to the green room after all."

"Really? I thought it was still closed?"

Daiki shrugged, "Who can say? Julie just said we'd go together there to wait for the start of the announcement and then return there afterwards."

"Hmm," Ryosuke nodded, watching as the others shuffled over one by one.

"I tried to get some info from her," Yuri sighed dramatically, shaking his head no when the others looked at him expectantly, "She appears disappointingly immune to my cuteness these days—the only thing she told me was literally, ' _be happy_ '...whatever that means."

"Sounds ominous," Ryosuke muttered watching as the last two members joined them, "If she has to tell us to be happy, it's probably something we're not going to be happy about."

"Truth," Hikaru muttered, looking around them before speaking again, softer, "I heard they're retiring two bands in the next year."

Everyone's eyes darted around to each other trying to surmise if they should believe this or if it was just a rumor. Either way, they didn't actually think it would affect them, not when Julie was putting so much effort into them at this point—but it did mean that someone else in the organization, two other groups would maybe be facing forced retirement—not something any idols in their business usually needed to worry about.

Age had zero influence on your ability to do your job as an idol when it came to Johnny's.

"Alright guys!" Julie clapped her hands as she joined their circle, smiling brightly, causing them all to jump as they'd been deep in thought, "Let's do this!"

She was overly excited, and the boys found comfort in that despite not having any idea what was going on or how decisions that were being made would affect them long term. She gestured for them to exit the room, so they moved together through the hallway that led to the backstage area of the auditorium, making their way carefully until they were outside the greenroom door.

Ryosuke's mind was whirling as he tried to get his thoughts gathered, to make sure he was prepared to answer the questions the press would be asking, that he'd be in pure idol mode when he stepped out on the stage.

Somehow, when she stopped at the door and turned to face them,Julie looked less like the current president of the company, and more like the wide-eyed young woman who was determined to show everyone in Johnny's who she was and by extension who Jump were.

"So, before we go in," she took a deep breath, "We're not just announcing your tour today," she held her hands up when everyone took a collective breath, "We're also announcing who you're touring with."

"Who we're touring with?" Hikaru scoffed, " _We haven't even been told that!?_ "

"I know," Julie nodding, her shoulders falling slightly, "I know, there were some issues, reasons I'm sure none of you care to hear about, but we'll be announcing it today and we'll als—"

" _Surely_ ," Ryosuke stepped forward to be sure she looked at him, moving to put himself between her and his members, "You're planning to tell us _before_ the entire world finds out?"

He knew it was rude, and while he would normally not be so bold, he'd just about had all he could take of the silence and secrecy, and he full well knew that the other members were looking to him to always look out for their best interests. If he wasn't brave enough to confront these issues, no one would—and right now, he was more concerned about his members than he was making Julie happy. Of course, he knew that it wasn't completely that she didn't want to tell them, but he couldn't help but feel resentful of the fact that they were handled just like everyone else when everything seemed to hinge on _their_ successes.

Julie stared at him for a moment, and he considered that maybe she was going to explode on him, so when her face grew into a wide smile he felt more disconcerted than anything, yet, nothing could have prepared him for her next words, "I thought it would be better if you just met them instead."

"Wha—" all of the boys looked at each other, eyes wide, when Hikaru exclaimed loudly, "Wait! You mean the group we're touring with is _here_? Right now?"

"In the green room," Julie pointed to the door behind her, "If you'd like to meet them?"

The group was chaotic, and she tried to calm them down but realizing it was a lost cause she just shifted to the side, opening the door to the green room and gesturing for them to go on in.

Ryosuke hung back, letting the others enter, and then clearing his throat before Julie could walk through the door. She turned to look at him, nodding as she pushed the door closed, leaving the two of them alone in the hallway.

"I know you have something you want to say," Julie sighed softly, "So...I'm listening."

"Can I be honest?" Ryosuke asked, not wanting to push things, but needing to say what was weighing so heavily on him.

"Has there ever been a time you haven't been?" Julie laughed which caused him to laugh as well, his shoulders shrugging.

"I suppose not," he grinned, "I just...Julie...you have asked us over and over again to trust you, and we have— _we do_ —as you well know, we've left all of our futures in your hands—and we haven't complained...but..."

"But?"

"But...I'm in a position of taking care of my members and that's made _impossible_ when you keep everything veiled and secret from us..."

"I had to—"

"Wait," he shook his head, inhaling deeply before he continued, "Please?"

She nodded for him to continue, he took a deep breath, "Listen, you _can't_ continue to push us for unconditional trust without offering us the _same_ —trust is a two way street—if we're in this together, and you want us to work for this company at 100% you need to bring us onto your team, not keep us sheltered like children who can't handle the truth and can't be trusted."

He didn't know where the poise, the confident tone of his voice came from really, but he was thankful for it, leveling his stare at her as he spoke the words firmly, "We're not kids anymore."

Julie studied him for a moment, her eyes shrewd in their appraisal and despite wanting to shrink away from her, he didn't, he held his chin up and his eyes set with hers, his voice firm, "You've been busy making so many changes in this company, but one thing that hasn't changed is the way the talent is being handled by management—to be honest, we'd all hoped that this would be different under your leadership."

"You're right," Julie sighed softly, "Of course you are," she nodded, "I'll do my—"

The door to the greenroom flung open violently, causing Julie to scramble sideways to avoid being hit by it when Yuri flew out into the hallway with them, closing the door with a slam as he threw his body back against it, leaning onto it, his breathing heavy, his eyes wide as he turned his head to stare at Julie.

Before her or Rysouke could say anything, Yuri had flung himself down onto the floor, bowing over and over again toward Julie, thanking her repeatedly.

"What in the world..." Ryosuke shook his head in confusion, watching as Julie reached over to drag Yuri up to his feet, the corners of her eyes crinkling as she laughed.

"For goodness sake," Julie trying her best to appear stern but mostly looking amused as she rolled her eyes, her voice laced with humor, "Pull yourself together Yuri!"

He doubled over, his body shaking from a long heavy belly laugh, then he took a deep breath, composing himself before he reached over to grab Ryosuke's arm, "Come on, you gotta meet the group we're touring with! _You're not going to believe it_."

Before they could move, one of the crew members called out to Julie—pointing at his watch, "It's time!"

"No time now," Julie snapped, grabbing Yuri's shoulders as she pointed him toward the stage wings, then pointing to Ryosuke, "Go! I'll grab the others!"

Ryosuke shrugged, wishing he'd had a chance to at least meet the other band but knowing there was nothing to be done for it now, shoving Yuri with his shoulder as he passed by him, shaking his head at how his mouth was just gaping open, not sure what exactly was going on with him but knowing there was no time to discuss it at this point.

He moved over to peek around the curtain, careful to not be seen by the people beyond the stage, his eyes widening when he realized that there were so many people in the room they were standing along the outside edge of the seats and the back of the auditorium was filled with people beyond the last row as well.

He heard the others moving up behind him, but before he could turn to speak to anyone, Julie was there beside him, gesturing for him to go out onto the stage.

He took a step into the bright lights, the audience buzzing with excitement—and on the one hand it felt to him as if this were just another day of the same things he'd been doing since he had joined Johnny's and alternately, somehow the air felt charged like static was present in every square inch—the feeling that something extraordinary was awaiting him just around the corner undeniable—though he couldn't quite put his finger on what was creating such a unique sensation.

_Well, a world tour is a pretty big deal after all._


	8. Nora-freaking-lise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A note on the way the names are pronounced in "The Way You Are Silent" =)
> 
> Because the names in the story are a mixture of English/Swedish accent this won't be EXACTLY the way they are spoke, but it's closer to this than saying the names in straight English if that makes sense! This is helpful to me to say them properly when I am speaking them while writing in my head and thought others might enjoy hearing their names this way!
> 
> So:
> 
> Syrén: [Seeh rin]
> 
> Sanna Jo: [Sah-na Yoo]* I personally tend to say her name in the 100% American way of "Jo" being "Joe", however, it really is pronounced "Yoo" in Sweden. That said, her audience is American, and she grew up in the US so I personally feel she would default to "Jo" being "Joe"! That's how I say it but wanted to share the proper Swedish pronunciation =) (Yama-chan would say "Jyo" strictly a Japanese sound I can not begin to express here lol)
> 
> Jonna Li: [Joh-na Lee]
> 
> You can listen to an audio of the names pronounced on my Tumblr post: https://jumping-girl-juliet.tumblr.com/post/178122353728/a-note-on-the-way-the-names-are-pronounced-in-the

Song Inspiration: "Legends Never Die" Against The Current

Ryosuke was glad that the moment his foot moved forward the lights went off on the stage, giving him and the other members a bit of time to take note of the setting—the house lights were flashing wildly, an instrumental introduction playing, and when he moved forward he realized that in the few moments he'd been waiting to the side of the stage for the other members the staff had moved a large partition between them and the audience.

Julie followed them toward the chairs, her hands touching their shoulders, whispering encouraging words into their ears, straightening Yuri's sweater, moving to Ryosuke, smiling, "You've got this, just be yourself."

Ryosuke wasn't sure what else he was meant to be, but he nodded sharply, inhaling deeply as he stood still, getting his thoughts gathered, each of the members standing still as they centered themselves for the show they were going to be doing for the press. They all glanced up at one another when the first notes of a new song they'd just recorded last month rang out from the speakers, a loud buzz emanating from the gathered crowd in expectation.

The lights were still moving over the audience, flashing and swirling and Ryosuke really hoped that they lived up to the level of hype they were putting out at the moment. As Kei's voice rang out with the first note, their eyes connected, nodding at each other, the other boys all jumping in place, excited to hear the song since they had only heard their own sections of it, and though they normally would have a listening party, they'd all been far too busy to do that.

They gathered together, patting each other on the back, bumping fists as they psyched themselves up, this part feeling very familiar.

Ryosuke felt the warmth of being in his 'idol zone' wash over him, his head nodding to the music, _absolutely not prepared_ when a girl's voice began singing the line immediately after his, jerking his head up to look at the other members who didn't seem at all shocked—in fact, Yuri had a very self-satisfied expression as he nodded knowingly.

Ryosuke's mouth popped open when his voice blended in with the girl's voice in harmony as they moved toward the chorus of the song.

He crossed his arms, thoroughly confused, his fingers digging into his skin as he listened to the song, trying to make sense of what he was hearing, feeling Julie's eyes on him, he knew better than to talk to the other members, so he just closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind.

_Girls singing in our song?_

_What?_

As the music continued, passing through another chorus and building toward the bridge he had to admit the song was pretty amazing. His mind raced trying to figure out which girl group this was, who they could possibly be, as they'd never, ever, ever been permitted to perform with any girl groups before, and this certainly explained the secrecy that this project had been shrouded in up until this point.

The voices sounded familiar, he wracked his brain trying to place them, unable to do so, still, by the time the bridge played, Ryosuke had been won over, glancing over to find some of the other members tapping their legs, others nodding to the tune, as the girl's vocals did absolutely nothing but enhance the song, in no way detracting from their own lines.

It was actually impressive really, as there were definitely at least two girls singing in the song with them—and they somehow seamlessly blended with them, their harmonies unrivaled...and rather than making them sound like they were trying too hard to be a part of the rhythm, _they set it_.

The song was upbeat, had a steady dance cadence, and would be amazing performed live with the intricate layering and weaving of various voices, tones, and melodies.

As the song drew towards the end, Julie turned back toward them, smiling broadly as she gestured to them to move to their seats. They had all put on their "idol" faces at this point, completely in their professional zones as they prepared to face the press.

They could hear the buzz from the crowd growing as the song reached the final notes, the members moving quickly to the platform that had been set up with chairs for them. They had been told earlier to not sit in the red chairs, so they smoothly moved to their positions, with only Ryosuke, Yuri, and Daiki moving to the front row where their three blue chairs were staggered with two red chairs between them, putting a total of five chairs on the front row, and six chairs on a short lift behind them for the other members.

Yuri walked to the last blue chair, while Ryosuke sat in the middle chair, with Daiki sitting in the blue chair closest to side of the stage they'd crossed. They'd just taken their seats when the MC announced that another group would be joining them for the press conference. The screens that had been blocking them from the audience slid apart smoothly, the clicking and whirring of cameras filling the auditorium.

Ryosuke wasn't particularly listening to the MC, only picking up something about 'Johnny's internationally acclaimed acquisition from their brand new market in America" and "press release distributions" and whatever else he was saying was completely lost on Ryosuke as he felt his entire body break out into a cold sweat, his stomach dropping out as he thought about the ramifications of this, of them touring with a group that has girls in it.

_Our fans are going to lose their crap entirely._

_What in the hell is Julie thinking?_

_Seriously, this is going to be a mess..._

_My fans are not going to like it...not at all...ugh..._

_I already deal with so many rumors...constantly!_

_UGH._

The MC was listing all of the group's accomplishments, and Ryosuke did his best to snap himself out of his internal freak out monologue, drawing his attention to the MC's voice, "....Billboard Women in Music Awards', all while concurrently achieving eleven gold, and eight silver medals over their competitive careers, and currently holding the gold and silver Olympic medals in rhythmic gymnastics between the two of them."

_The hell?_

_Did he just say they were Olympic gymnasts?_

There was a spark in his mind, a moment of excitement bubbling up from within.

_No?_

_It can't be?_

As the MC continued to talk, a beat of music began, softly, and growing in volume as he reached the end of his introduction. Despite knowing what was happening, Ryosuke still felt the surge of excitement from the combination of the music and the way the MC was talking about the group, the buzz within the room electrical, the beat of the song reaching him, feeling somehow nostalgic to him as his foot tapped to the drum.

"This girl group has set a new level for the leading edge in the music industry, both in music production, song writing, as well as performance and video releases—not just in the United States, but throughout Europe. We are proud to present to you, Syrén."

As soon as the song reached the voice, the familiarity suddenly struck Ryosuke, his eyes widening, wanting to stand up and ask someone what the hell was happening inside this room.

_This...this is..._

_Legend's never die._

_When the world is calling you..._

_This song....wait..._

A murmuring frenzy rose from the press as they all scrambled to stand, everyone desperate for a first glimpse of the group, the sound nearly deafening when the music grew even louder, the crowd turning at once toward the doors at the back of the auditorium as they swung open and the spotlights shifted beyond the stage where the boys were to point at those entering.

_Can you hear them screaming out your name?_

_Legends never die, they become a part of you_

_What...this is the song from my game?_

_Is it really?_

_From the championships this year!?_

He couldn't see anything, even if the lights weren't so bright as they glared toward the back, and his eyes hadn't adjusted yet—it didn't really matter because his vision felt blurry as he tried to make sense of the song playing, of the chaos that was swirling in the room around them.

_Every time you bleed for reaching greatness_

_Relentless you survive_

Half of the media were focused on the girls as they walked through doors, and just as many were hyper focused on the boys in an effort to gauge their response.

_They never lose hope when everything's cold_

_And the fighting's near_

_It's deep in their bones_

_They run into smoke when the fire is fierce_

_Oh, pick yourself up 'cause_

_This is just not possible?_

_This is for sure the song from the Championships._

_What is this?_

Like clockwork, the boys stood up, clapping and smiling, and Ryosuke played along properly despite the fact that he had no idea what was happening, somehow feeling as if there were an extremely elaborate practical joke being played on him or something, glancing around subtly to find some of the members were whistling and cheering along with the loud ruckus the press were now making as the girls walked down the center aisle, making their way to the stage.

Yuri turned his head and for a moment their eyes met, winking quickly as he smiled before turning his head to look back out at the audience.

_Legends never die when the world is calling you_

_Can you hear them screamin' out your name?_

_Legends never die, they become a part of you_

_Every time you bleed for reaching greatness_

_Legends never die_

Ryosuke felt his knees go weak, his heart pounding in his chest when his eyes moved past the crowd of press flowing out into the aisle desperate for a picture of the group entering, landing on the tips of white cat ears and unmistakable blonde hair moving toward the stage.

_Her...it's her...oh my God, it's her._

_It's her._

_It's the soft fluffy fuzzy bunny cat girl._

_They're written down in eternity_

_But you'll never see the price it costs – the scars collected all their lives_

_When everything's lost, they pick up their hearts and avenge defeat_

_Before it all starts, they suffer through harm just to touch a dream_

_Oh, pick yourself up 'cause_

He felt panicked as the crowd seemed to swell around the girls, unable to see them because they were so small and there was such a large mass of reporters, taking a deep breath when staff rushed to make a pathway through the crowd to allow the girls to continue their way to the stage.

_This song...can it be her?_

_Is that possible?_

_Could this be real?_

_Legends never die when the world is calling you_

_Can you hear them screamin' out your name?_

His clapping hands felt like they were shaking uncontrollably, forcing himself to take a deep breath, blinking rapidly he desperately tried to calm himself down as _she_ turned the corner at the front row of seats, having been obscured by the crowd, after her twin sister who was moving up the steps now.

_The girl who sings this song is the one who plays the game I play...right?_

_She plays a White Mage main, and um...a Red Mage sometimes, and then..huh...the...hmmm...the Samurai! That's right!_

_...I seriously think I played with her before..._

_I know that's the person who sings this song._

_I mean they're twins...maybe they both sing it?_

_Both play?_

_But I only ever heard of one girl singing this song...could it be her?_

_But still if the song is playing...then...this is their song?_

_Or her song?_

_Right?_

_I know it is the song from the game._

_It is._

_Yes...I know it is...so that means...what?_

_Legends never die when the world is calling you_

_Can you hear them screamin' out your name?_

The twin with the pink cat-eared knit hat moved past Ryosuke to the seat on his left between him and Yuri, his eyes wide as she passed him by, and he couldn't believe how much she looked like her sister now that he was seeing her up close, if they weren't dressed differently he wasn't sure there would be any way to tell them apart at all.

_This has to be one of their songs, which means..._

_...one of them plays my game, right?_

_Right!?_

_What the hell?_

_Legends never die, they become a part of you_

_Every time you bleed for reaching greatness_

_Legends never die_

He turned his head to look back to discover the girl with the cat ears was moving up the steps, her eyes lifting from the floor, up his legs to land on his wide, unfocused ones.

_Could it be her?_

She blinked, once, twice, and then she _smiled_.

The world stood absolutely still for a moment.

_When the world is callin' out your name, begging you to fight_

_Pick yourself up once more_

_Pick yourself up 'cause_

_God, please let it be her!_

Ryosuke couldn't breathe, he'd never seen anything like her smile, it was beautiful, like a sunrise, full of happy peace and comfort and he marveled at how it made her cheeks rise, small dimples appearing on both cheeks, her eyes crinkled while her tiny nose seemed to become even cuter as it sort of scrunched up from her lifted cheeks.

_Legends never die when the world is calling you_

_Can you hear them screamin' out your name?_

_Yuri's pictures didn't do her justice, not at all._

She looked like a fairy or sprite or something mythical that existed in enchanted stories and epic adventure novels—his mind raced, trying to more clearly remember the person who sang the song—she was famous in his gaming community because she was a pretty famous celebrity who live streamed her gameplay, but he'd never watched her since her feeds were in English and he never cared about it, but he'd heard this song— _everyone had_ , since it had been a part of the championships that were just held.

_Her name...damn it...what was the character's name!?_

_N...Na...Nar...argghhh....umm...what the hell, Yamada—c'mon!_

He hadn't watched the championships when they were broadcast, though he'd heard the song a million times, he'd seen a ton of fan-made videos which used it naturally and had it on more than one of his 'gaming' playlists. He tried to remember what some of the guys in his guild had said about her before, they'd just talked about her this past week, as several of them had a crazy crush on her.

_Noralise?_

_Isn't that her character's name?_

_Yeah, that's the name, I'm sure of it...holy hell, could it be?_

_Could it be her?_

He was frustrated that there was so much chaos in the room that he couldn't remember for sure if that was the girl's character name, the one that sang the song, but part of him was convinced it had to be.

_Legends never die, they become a part of you_

_Every time you bleed for reaching greatness_

_I seriously think one of them must be her._

Then, like a dream, she moved past Daiki and was standing next to him, her arm brushing against his as she turned to face the press causing a tremor to move through his body, her head cast down to the floor in front of her as she stilled beside him, one of her hands grasping the item she'd clipped onto her belt as she lifted her head, smiling brightly out at the bright flashes and chaos from the audience.

_Legends never die_

As the final notes of the song rang out, Ryosuke felt someone poke him sharply in the back, his body swaying forward slightly as he wasn't expecting it, he blinked, immediately realizing he was turned partly toward the side, staring, without any shame whatsoever directly at the girl standing next to him.

He laughed lightly, pulling himself together, silently thanking the powers that be that someone had realized what he was doing before the press had picked up on it. He turned his attention to the room which was in an unprecedented uproar—not unexpectedly of course—because this was nothing short of revolutionary for Johnny's.

The members took their seats, laughing nervously as the press was making _a lot_ of noise, which was very unusual given the level of decorum these press events normally held, and Ryosuke smiled when he realized the song from before was playing softly in the background.

Their MC gestured his hands downward, imploring the press to calm down so they could actually make a statement.

For a moment the world seemed to fade, all of the sound in the room felt far away and Ryosuke was staring over the top of the press to look at a gigantic banner that had dropped down from the upper balcony during all of the chaos.

"Hey! Say! Jump & Syrén present the 'Building Bridges' Tour 2017-2018."

_Building Bridges..._

Not only had Julie managed to secure a record-breaking band, if the words the MC was saying were to be believed, she also managed to basically tell the Jimusho to bite her butt in the process by bringing in what appeared to be an _all-girl group_.

Not _just_ an all-girl group, in fact, an _American_ all-girl group.

_The Jimusho is going to lose their fucking minds._

Ryosuke snapped to attention, his hands instinctively clenching in front of him when the girl to the right of him spoke, answering some question or another someone in the press had asked her, realizing he'd been so lost in his thoughts, he didn't even notice that the press had begun to line up for questions after the MC went down the long list of the girl's achievements.

Still, he began to understand a little better why so many of his guild members were head over heels in love with her, if it was in fact her, though from one second to the next he became more and more convinced of it...and if she did live streams he would want to listen just to hear the timbre of her voice, carrying a gentle cadence to it, a different accent than an average American one, somehow fused with some other underlying one.

_Clearly, Swedish of course since Yuri said they were from Sweden._

Ryosuke thought it positively enchanting—in fact, he'd listen to her constantly, even if he couldn't understand a single word of what she said, though admittedly he was amazed how much he really could understand.

_Her voice is like the lilting of flower petals on the first day of spring, her accent is adorable, so cute...oh my GOD!_

_...the fuck..._

He kicked his own ass internally for being such a stupid, romantic idiot.

He had no idea what in the world his mind was doing, but he immediately ordered it back to sanity, chastising himself for his lack of focus. He attempted to pay attention to what she was saying, shifting slightly sideways to look at her, since he was now allowed to do that while she was talking without the entire room suspecting his internal conflict.

She was sitting slightly forward, everything about her body language speaking of excitement and anticipation, somehow her demeanor completely opposite of the girl he'd interacted with in the cafeteria, her tone was high and the energy in her words was electric in the air as she spoke, "...so Syrén is actually composed of my twin sister and I, however, our older sisters go on tour with us and are an integral part of our live performances, so they will, of course, be joining us on this tour as well. Thank you for your question."

She bowed her head toward the reporter who had asked the question, he vaguely heard someone talking in Japanese, but Ryosuke continued to stare at her until he heard the next reporter speak up when called on.

He turned quickly, recognizing the voice of the reporter to be one from a not so reputable paper in the region who generally ran on the back of alleged rumors rather than fact, a complete waste of paper and something he absolutely loathed their fans to read because while some things they reported had seeds of truth in them, generally, everything they published was completely fabricated.

He was fairly certain that this reporter was among a group of them who had been banned from any and all Johnny's press announcements so he was thoroughly confused as to why he was there and why he was being allowed to ask questions.

The reporter introduced himself as was customary and said the name of his paper which would probably be lost on the girls, then said his question was for 'Sanna Jo'.

_Sanna Jo._

"...and then after that I'd appreciate Jonna Li's..."

_...or Jonna Li?_

"...response, please. Given the fact that you are currently the reigning Olympic Gold and Silver Medalists, have broken worldwide records with sales through your music, have appeared in both television series and movies—what exactly is it that appeals to either of you the most about touring in Japan, and more specifically, with Hey! Say! Jump?"

A woman standing to the side of the platform that Ryosuke hadn't noticed immediately began translating the question into English for whoever was being asked, the name 'Sanna Jo' spoken clearly in the question.

His head snapped to the side to stare at the fluffy cat-eared girl beside him again when she began to speak, his mouth opening and closing quickly.

_She's 'Sanna Jo'._

"It is true...yes," she paused for a moment and it seemed like her expression became clouded for a split second, her hand moving quickly on her leg, touching the trinket she'd clipped onto her belt, and suddenly her hand squeezed it hard, her knuckles turning white, as she took a deep breath, "That is to say, each accomplishment I have achieved has been a beautiful light in my history, and I think each one of them held its own unique aspects that made it something that will always be treasured. It is my expectation that this tour will be another memory that will be permanently etched as one of our fondest experiences. We are extremely thankful for the opportunity to perform and tour with Hey! Say! Jump! Thank you for your question."

The interpreter had spoken quickly, translating as Sanna Jo was speaking for those who were only able to understand Japanese. For his part, Ryosuke was pleased that he understood far more than he'd expected to.

He twisted, expecting the other girl beside him to answer now, but before she could speak, the reporter interrupted.

"What exactly will be the part that makes it stand out to you?" The man was still standing at the microphone, and Ryosuke's head jerked over to look at him, his eyes narrowing instinctively, his fists clenching as the interpreter spoke the question to Sanna Jo.

He turned to look at Sanna Jo as she took a deep breath, her hands clasping in her lap tightly as she answered, "Without having been on tour in Japan, or with Hey! Say! Jump before now, I suppose it is only for me to guess at how I will feel after the experience...but I would like to think that it will be a wonderful exchange of our cultures, history, and language. Other than that, I would not be able to say anything specific—apart from my own personal expectations that I will make the most out of the experience and enjoy it to my greatest ability."

Ryosuke's eyes moved down to the trinket that she'd been holding before, a small squishy object hooked to the belt with a clip, his eyes widening momentarily when he realized it was a character—not just any character, no, rather it was _THE character_. He'd know it anywhere, the soft white hair, the glowing eyes, the pink costume, and the most obvious part of all, the characterizations that made it a Miqo'te, the fluffy pink cat ears, and long tail flowing from the back of the caped coat the character was wearing.

_Sure, it's a chibi version, but that's the character...that's her._

_HER._

_Nora-freaking-lise._

_It's freaking her._

_OH MY GOD._

_It's really her._

_Get your shit together, Yamada, you're on stage..._

He forced himself to breathe, tearing his gaze from the figure, looking up at Sanna Jo as she finished her words, then jerking his head to look back at the reporter who had just taken an audible breath, nodding as she spoke, and Ryosuke tried to tap down the response of wanting to rip his head off his shoulders, because he wasn't walking away, he wasn't sitting down, he was fishing for something, and all of the boys knew it—this paper was renowned for pushing boundaries and taking the most innocent words and sensationalizing them to create a scandal.

Sobering up quickly from discovering this was the girl he knew from his game, he felt the tension thick in the air on the stage from the other members who were all concerned, knowing that some reporters were far less dignified and respectful than others—wondering again why they'd even _allowed_ this paper to show up.

Ryosuke felt someone tug at the back of his shirt from behind and he subtly nodded his head to the side to indicate he understood what was happening.

_How did this guy know to ask her these questions?_

He clearly knew something about them _before_ they got to this room.

There was no other explanation.

_He knew about these girls._

_He was ready to bring up her past._

_How could he?_

He couldn't imagine how this guy knew about this when they didn't even know about it ten minutes ago.

"Did you know the band before now?" The reporter asked quickly before the MC could move past him.

Once the interpreter had stopped speaking, he saw the girl next to him nod her head through his peripheral vision, and Ryosuke's eyes widened before he could control them, instantly schooling his face to not look shocked by her admission, "We have met, of course, and naturally, I have been a fan, before now, yes."

He wondered at the way she'd said they'd 'met' before...because to his knowledge they hadn't, and it caught him off guard that she would so easily and smoothly mislead the press in such an obvious way. He tried to make sense of it, his attention drawn to the audience as a murmur went up among the reporters and he could practically see the unscrupulous reporter salivating as he prepared to speak his next question, "How _long_ have you known Jump, and been a fan of theirs?"

She nodded to the interpreter after she spoke, but then she cleared her throat, it was a small sound, and he didn't think anyone else actually heard it, but the girl to his left, Sanna Jo's twin, Jonna Li spoke then, "It's actually quite a story, probably something we don't have time for today—but both of us have been fans for a while. Being involved in competitive athletics from a very young age we had moved to Japan for several years when we were younger so that my sister and I could train with our selected coach in preparation for the Olympics. Many of the other students in our training center were Johnny's fans, and they often played music from the different groups during our practices. Through this, we were introduced to them during that time and became fans. We've followed them since then. We met them through Johnny's obviously as part of the arrangements of this tour."

"Have you seen them perform live before?"

"No, we have only seen them perform in videos they've produced from their live tours. We haven't had the privilege of seeing them live in person yet."

"For Sanna Jo first, do you have a favorite song?"

Ryosuke wanted to slap his hand over the girl's mouth.

_Oh, God, please don't answer this, just say you love all of our songs the same!_

These girls were slowly being led to the slaughter and neither of them had any idea in their innocence. It was clear that they didn't know who this man was or what he was going to do with their answers, his eyes moved across the crowd looking for Julie trying to figure out a way to shut this guy down. In fact, as he looked frantically he wondered why in the world someone from the Jimusho hadn't already stopped him. Surely, they didn't want negative exposure right from the start of the tour from a viper like this.

"Of course," Sanna Jo laughed lightly, "doesn't every fan have a favorite?"

_No...don't answer it!_

Ryosuke groaned internally, wanting to punch something— _hard_.

"I don't think it would be fair for me to say my favorite song at this point though, it's surely subject to change based on the new album, isn't it?"

Ryosuke twisted in his chair to look at her, trying to act somewhat normal and not spaz like he was feeling internally, because that was a _clever_ response, a good way to deflect, and when he looked at her she was smiling, for a moment her head turned toward him—it was like a blink and she'd grinned shyly at him, and then she was focused back at the reporter as she continued to speak, "...so perhaps, check with me after the new album drops and I'll let you know if I've changed my mind on what song I love the most!"

_Bullet dodged, thank God._

"How about a favorite member? Who is your ichiban?"

_Dear God, did that bastard just use the word ichiban?_

_Damn it!_

Ryosuke's leg started bouncing as his nervous energy threatened to explode, he laughed manically, coughing to cover it up, his mind whirling with the headlines that were going to be all over the place after she said one of the member's names.

All hell was going to break loose and the rumors would cast a dark storm over the entire tour.

He needed to do something. His eyes moved frantically around, landing on Julie who was leaning against the support at the side of the stage, her arms crossed, a smile on her face, and when her eyes connected to his own she tilted her head down, her smile broadening before she winked and then lifted her hand to gesture for him to pay attention.

His heart was pounding and he felt like it was hard to breathe.

_What is happening._

The interpreter had finished speaking and the girl laughed next to him, almost in unison with the laughter from the sister to the left.

His breath caught in his throat when Sanna Jo actually snorted softly next to him in the cutest little giggle followed by a long deep breath before she spoke, and he was pretty sure he was doing a terrible job of hiding his abject horror that she was laughing when everything was moments away from collapsing around them.

His eyes softened when he looked at her, seemingly carefree and completely at ease as her voice spoke in a sing-song way that he'd never really heard before, as girls in Japan definitely didn't use this tone normally, it was kind, and soft certainly, but somehow dismissive at the same time, touching on some kind of disrespect, but still wasn't, it was different, something he wasn't familiar with, her voice gentle as she spoke, "Thank you for your question! I actually _wouldn't_ be able to choose one of the band members as a ' _favorite_ '—I feel that they are all unique and exceptionally gifted in their own ways. I have found that they all possess their own qualities that make them who they are, and together, their group is fascinating because it absolutely wouldn't work without each member. I am sincerely looking forward to the opportunity to hone my own skills and craft under their expert mentoring."

"But _surely_ , you have a favorite? One of them must stand out above the others, one that you would most want to, say, something like spend a day with?"

_What the...this guy is not going to give up!_

Sanna Jo didn't wait for the interpreter to translate, but immediately began to speak, smiling, her voice dripping with sweetness to the point that Ryosuke had to look down to keep from laughing out loud at how cute it was, "Oh, _I see!"_ she hummed softly, then continued to speak, her tone melodic, "You're actually wanting to know if there is one of them I'm interested in _romantically_?"

Ryosuke nearly choked as he gasped, laughing nervously, his ears filled with the strange, off putting laughter from others on the stage while he heard the other half sucking in their breath.

The room was still, and it was as if the world were holding their collective breath as they waited for the answer.

Whoever was behind him was clutched onto his shirt, holding it tightly.

No one was interested in the hell storm that this would cause for all of them.

_Damn it...this is fucked...what the hell is Julie thinking!?_

Not to mention the way their fans would implode like a bomb if they thought there was even a remote possibility that one of these girls had an attraction to one of them. In all fairness, they'd all spent their entire careers building up the relationship with their fans, playing the part, saying the right things, doing the right things, and it felt like they were balanced on the edge of a knife.

The girl's twin sister laughed next to him, her hands propping on her knees as she leaned forward around Ryosuke to look at her sister knowingly as she nodded to her to answer. Ryosuke looked at her, and then the other, trying to understand how they were so calm and seemingly enjoying the question when he felt like the floor was jello under his feet.

"No, _wait_ , that _couldn't_ be what you were asking, _I'm sorry_ ," her voice was so sweet sounding, so innocent, almost hurt in tone and flow, and Ryosuke was looking at her as she spoke, riveted by every word just like everyone else in the room as she purred softly, "I _must_ have misunderstood your question?"

She laughed lightly, smiling broadly as she nodded, "Of course, that could _easily_ happen given the necessity of interpreters! _Surely_ , that is the case, because to imply that I would be interested in a _romantic_ relationship with any of the members of the group who will be touring with us would call into question my personal ethical, moral and professional standards given the fact that it would be _completely inappropriate_ —" the smile disappeared, the words firm, "—which is _clearly_ , _not_ what you were implying."

The reporter's mouth opened and closed, once, twice, and then he stuttered, "No, _of course not_ , yes—I-I did not mean to imply such a thing—I meant, solely on a peer level of professionalism, of course. Nothing more."

Sanna Jo's stern expression melted instantly, smiling kindly at the reporter as he turned away abruptly, clearly chastised by the tiny girl next to him, nodding in agreement, tilting her head as she spoke softly next to him, "Then it is fair to simply say, I look forward to furthering the foundation of friendship with all of the people on our tour, both the group members and our crew. Thank you for your question."

_Holy fuck._

_She just did that._

With that she'd firmly bitch slapped the hell out of the reporter all the while doing so with a smile on her face and no matter how anyone looked at it, she did it in a way that left her completely blameless.

Ryosuke was amazed.

_She is amazing._

She knew what was happening the entire time, and she kicked the reporter's ass with pink fluffy kitten smiles and her gentle, melodic voice. His eyes snapped over to Julie who tilted her head, her eyebrow raising, a smirk on her face, clearly saying he should have trusted her all along.

He tipped his head slightly in acknowledgement.

_Well played._

The rest of the press conference went smoothly as expected—they all held to their standard answers, then answered many questions on the fly about their excitement of joining the new group on tour and such with the expertise that only trained-since-childhood Johnny's could ever do.

Once management called the last question and one of the girls answered something or another about something inane having to do with food in the dressing rooms they told them to gather together to take some photos of the groups together.

They all shuffled to the side from the platform, waiting as a crew quickly prepared the area at the edge of the stage spelling out the tour title behind and above them in 3D letters that seemed to be floating in midair.

Ryosuke was lost in his thoughts momentarily and jumped when Yuri leaned close to him and whispered, "Oh my God, this is real! I told you that you wouldn't believe it!"

Ryosuke cut his eyes to the side, smiling and nodding, as Daiki came up beside Yuri, his eyes widening as all of the unspoken words passed between the three of them. This was going to be one crazy experience, there was no doubt about it—and he wasn't sure if that was good or bad yet.

He heard laughing as he approached the prepared background, the two girls already there, Jonna Li had removed the pink beanie, replacing it with a pair of rabbit ears she placed on her head, making funny faces at her sister, the other members all laughing.

They knew the press was watching, of course, they were all aware of it, and while the boys were somewhat concerned with how the girls might feel about them interacting with, in particularly touching them given the fact they had barely even been properly introduced—he felt some apprehension as they were approaching the situation somehow awkwardly.

They all relaxed when Julie stepped into their loose circle, taking over in the way only Julie could, whispering soft but direct orders to them so the press would not hear, things like, "make sure you keep your chin up", "move there", "put your arm here", "move your left foot forward", "when I gesture like this, I want you to put the ears on him", "shift your body a little this way", "then I want you to do this", "lean down a bit and move your shoulder back" and on and on, until suddenly they were all intermixed together, pressed close together, touching and put in an instant situation where they were fully expected to act as if they were well versed friends.

The world would never know that they were not long friends, they'd never guess they hadn't met before this very day.

"Happy smiles, kiddos," Julie whispered as she stepped backward, clearly pleased at the artistry of her human based art.

Everyone laughed nervously, but clearly, they were all schooled at this, surprisingly, even the girls who seemed in a very "roll with it" state of mind.

It made Ryosuke even more curious about them that they didn't seem to recoil from the oddness of how things worked with Johnny's. In fact, he couldn't deny that he'd misjudged the girls as be naïve and untested, as they were giving just as good as they got.

They were relaxed, bubbly, and didn't seem to have any issue with the situation if their outward expressions were any indication—though it was hard to be sure given the long list of acting achievements they had garnered that the MC had given during the speaking portion of the conference.

They were clearly very accomplished, and he knew firsthand how easy it was to play into people's expectations if you were a relatively good actor. He decided to reserve judgement until he knew them better just to be sure.

He had been placed in the middle with one of each of the twins on each side of him. He couldn't tell where or how everyone else was arranged and couldn't be bothered to look as it was literally all he could do to take the next breath.

_The girl_ , Sanna Jo, had been turned into him, her arm propped up on his shoulder with her head leaning down and facing outward to where he couldn't make out her expression. The fuzzy edge of one of her cat ears touched his chin just barely and he stifled the urge to rub the tickled spot, realizing suddenly that he had his arm on her side just above her waist, his fingers flexing momentarily at the shock and then loosening when he felt her body jerk where he'd clearly tickled her.

"Sorry," he whispered, she hummed softly, he felt it vibrate through her side, but she didn't move, still looking forward. He knew everything so far had only taken seconds, but it felt like slow motion to him.

He was positively drowning in the smell of her, the delightfully sweet aroma of...

_Marshamallows?_

_Vanilla?_

_Strawberries?_

...wafting upward each time she shifted. Her body was flush against his side, and it felt like there were electrical pulses running through his body from every point he could feel. Every one of his senses felt like they were in overdrive.

Her sister on the other side was turned away from him, leaning partly on him and on whoever was behind him, his arm on that side was bent behind his back to avoid having it squished between them or between her and whoever she was leaning back onto. Her arms were crossed with one of them raised up to make the peace sign.

He blinked quickly as the first flash lit up, focusing forward on the press, shifting easily into his "idol" mode as Julie called out different directions so they could hear them but softly enough the press didn't pick up on her coaching.

After the first flash it was as if a strobe light had been turned on as all of the cameras began clicking and whirling and some of the photographers called out ideas for things they wanted them to do.

Mostly it was just different expressions and behaviors—nothing particularly unusual or out there, thankfully—as he could only imagine some of the scenarios the press would really like to see.

Then he heard Julie call out "ears!".

He blinked rapidly as Sanna Jo shifted, turning sideways to face him, her eyes wide and so very, very blue as she looked up at him, reaching above her head to pull off the cat ears, and turning them around as she lifted up on her tippy toes to place it on his head. Catching up with what was happening, he bent down a bit to give her better access to put them on, the room filling with laughter as everyone enjoyed the antics.

Ryosuke hammed it up, making silly expressions as she moved the headband behind his ears, and then though her face was soft and somehow serious while she was looking at him to put the ears on, it was as if she flipped a switch and she made an adorable little smirk, twisting a bit sideways to wink at the press, then gesturing her arm up at him, lifting her shoulders and tilting her head as if she had just won all the prizes in the world.

He lifted his arms up between the girls, twisting a bit to turn toward Sanna Jo, gesturing his hands to say, "I give up!"

He could hear the others joking and such, realizing that sometime in the midst of everything there were other girls, maybe the sisters they'd mentioned on stage as well, apparently, some of them had ears of some sort placed on them too, and they were all overacting the scene to be sure.

Someone whispered his name in his ear, he thought it was Yuya, but he couldn't be sure as there was so much noise, feeling someone tapping his back. He shifted to look behind to find Yabu handing him a rolled-up item, speaking quickly, "You need to put this on her over her outfit."

Ryosuke tried to make sure he didn't look surprised, instead nodding as he shifted, his eyes glancing at Sanna Jo to gauge her expression, finding that she didn't seem bothered by the information at all, instead, while he shook out the rolled-up item that revealed itself to be a "Hey! Say! Jump" t-shirt, she made a show of her surprised happiness for their 'audience'.

She bounced like a little girl beside him, and he laughed without thinking, as it was completely adorable, so he held the shirt with the hole open at the top and lifted it up over her head. Her arms shot up through the holes and he drew it down, sincerely filled with amusement at the whole scene as it unfolded.

He pulled the edge of the shirt as it moved down, having to bend over a bit as the shirt was far too large for her and stretched nearly to her knees, the bottom of her skirt barely peeking out.

He reached up, not thinking about what he was doing and ran his hand across her shoulder and behind her neck to pull her hair loose that was still caught under the shirt.

She froze for a split second, and he took a deep breath to school his expression as her eyes darted to his wide and unsure before she also seemed to take inventory of the situation. He drew his hand back, slowly letting her hair fall through his fingers just, so he could see what the texture was.

_Even softer than I'd imagined._

She had put her hands on her hips, and as he shifted he realized she was tapping her foot, her expression comical as she gestured to the size of the shirt. He couldn't help but burst out in laughter at the sight of her, as she turned to the press, stretching her arms out wide as she modeled the t-shirt. The other girls were all doing the same thing, as the press went crazy trying to capture every second of the act.

He heard Julie call out a command and then the twins were back on either side of him, their arms wrapped around and linked behind his back, their bodies turned inward toward him as they lifted their fingers up in front of him to form a letter with their fingers.

He couldn't help but laugh when he realized they were making the letter "A" with their combined fingers, signifying he was the "Ace" of the entire group. Not to be outdone, he lifted his hands up from under theirs, pointing his thumbs outward to each of them, shaking his head as if they were wrong and they were the ones who centered the group.

Between all of them they spent a few more minutes playing off of one another in cute and playful ways and then management finally said that was it for the day, they were all ushered off the stage as the press were politely dismissed.

None of them dropped their "characters" as they were led to the green room offstage, just in case anyone from the press happened to be there or watching, which was always possible.

_"Always act as if the camera is on and rolling, unless you are alone, and even then, be cautious!"_

One of the many rules that had been ingrained into them since they were young boys in Johnny's.

"Everyone was amazing!" Julie gushed when she entered the room with them, clapping her hands together, "I'm crazy proud of you all! _Thank you_!"

The praise was sincere, and they all nodded to her, glad they had done her proud as she continued to talk, "You'll all need to be out front at 9:00 in the morning—the bus will be waiting to carry you to your retreat! _Do not be late_!"

She spoke quickly in Japanese and then shocked the boys when she shifted easily into fluent English to repeat the instructions for the girls.

They all murmured their acceptance, and she nodded, rushing off to talk to one of the executives from upstairs.

Ryosuke turned, expecting to find Sanna Jo so he could finally properly introduce himself, but she wasn't there, it was just Yuri and one of the other sisters beside him. They were discussing something about whether to carry coats with them for the retreat or not.

He blinked, surprised by Yuri being so friendly and outgoing, because it wasn't his normal way of handling things, generally he was reserved and quiet around new people—never making instant friends, but he supposed nothing was impossible at this point.

He glanced around, turning to look around for Sanna Jo, almost slamming into her twin sister instead.

"Oi! I'm sorry!" he laughed, embarrassed as she took a step back, laughing just the same.

"No worries," she smiled, and of course, looked just like her sister, the thought that he could hardly comprehend how there were two of them, bowing to her, "I'm Yamada Ryosuke," he smiled, glad to be meeting someone from their group finally.

The girl bowed slightly, her voice sounding just like her sister's, maybe a little lower, "Jonna Li—we all have the same last name, so feel free to call us by our given names," she said quickly, then paused for a moment, clearly waiting to make sure he understood what she'd said.

He nodded, and she smiled, "It's a pleasure to actually meet you, Yamada-san."

She pointed to a girl who walked up to stand beside her, "This is my older sister Nova," and she reached her arm around another girl who had approached, pulling her into her, "...and this is my other older sister, Addie."

She looked around, then shrugged, "Lottie our other sister is somewhere around here...but anyway," she tilted her head toward him, "This is Yamada-san!"

He nodded to both of them, marveling that even if he hadn't known they were related he would have had no trouble knowing it by looking at them. Obviously, the twins looked just alike, but the two other sisters looked remarkably like their siblings, one was maybe two inches taller than the other two, but the one that she had her arm around was only a little bit taller than she was.

It seemed to him that they must have stunningly beautiful parents to have the same porcelain skin, soft facial features, pinked cheeks, pert noses, and especially the thick brilliantly blonde hair that they each possessed. All four of them were exceptionally beautiful—but nothing he'd seen of any of them made him think they actually were even remotely aware of the reality of the way others saw them.

They were very genuine, carefree, and down to earth as far as he could tell.

Suddenly, it seemed like everyone was talking all at once, the room buzzing with all the voices, introducing one another and talking about simple matters about the retreat and such, and Ryosuke tried to be discreet as his eyes shifted around the group to try to find Sanna Jo.

The room had filled with the happy hum of discussions and laughter, yet he heard Jonna Li as if she were the only voice in the room, despite how softly she spoke as if she knew he would hear her, "She's not here, she went back to the dining hall."

His head jerked to the side, eyes widened at her observation and the fact she knew what he was doing.

She smiled a knowing smile and he felt his cheeks flaming brightly—something that he found more than a little unnerving.

Everything about this day had kept him off balance.

She shifted forward to pass him to go talk to one of the other boys but paused just in front of him as she turned her head, speaking quietly, "It would probably be best to meet her in that setting versus one with a lot of people."

With that she moved forward, almost as if she hadn't even slowed down and she was talking to Kei.

He watched her for a moment, not sure what she meant by that, understanding the words as he mulled them over but equally confused by them. He figured either way it meant he should go introduce himself, and he was, in fact, too curious to wait another minute.

He didn't bother with announcing he was leaving, simply walking as stealthily as he could out of the room and quickly down the hallway, stepping into the dining hall and glancing around.

The dining hall was completely empty, none of the Johnny's having made it back there yet, so it was easy to spot her, smiling when his eyes landed on her.

She was in the chair she'd been sitting in before, somehow, in the short time since the conference had ended she'd managed to put the bunny outfit back on and was spinning slowly in circles in the chair, every few rotations reaching a foot out to propel her around again.

He moved toward her, seeing that her face was mostly obscured, glad he could make out that her eyes were closed, and she seemed to have her earbuds back in as she nodded her head to whatever music she was listening to.

He slowed down, just taking a moment to observe her shamelessly since no one else was in the room and she wasn't paying attention. She looked very small in the chair, her legs drawn up and crossed in front of her as she continued to bob her head, her face looking peaceful and content, a small smile playing on her lips as she drew her leg down again, sweeping the floor to propel her to spin fast again.

He was a few feet away when she spun back around, her eyes open, landing on his as she passed by, her own eyes widening and her mouth popping open in a small circle at surprise.

When she'd spun back around toward him her feet hit the floor stopping her motion, and then she drew them quickly up under her to sit on them with each foot turned outward behind her, looking like she was three-years-old, so he couldn't even question it.

_...because...seriously is there anything she does that isn't completely adorable?_

Looking entirely small and timid, she drew a hand up to pluck the earbuds out of her ears and waved a small hello with the other hand before she reached over, her attention fixated on her phone for a moment, then setting it back down beside her, pushed a little under her leg, she grabbed the character she'd put back on the costume again, squeezing it in her fist as her gaze lifted to him.

Her eyes were riveted on him, not staying in one spot though, moving all around his face, but looking directly at him at the same time. It was rather disconcerting, and he wondered absently if he had something on his face or something and considered how much all of the photos from the conference were going to be completely wrecked if he had a strawberry seed stuck in his teeth or something stupid like that.

He laughed, but it wasn't his normal laugh, in fact it was a strange sound in his own ears, somehow it was very nerve wracking, standing here like this in front of her being stared at despite the fact that it was quite normal for him all things considered. He'd made quite a career out of letting people look at him basically, so this should be easy, but it wasn't.

He ran his hand down his face, then down the front of his shirt nervously as the other hand raised to tug on his hair for a moment, then he leaned forward into a small bow, "I didn't want to bother you, but thought we should meet each other, I'm Ryosuke."

He knew his English was a work in progress, but he knew he'd said some semblance of what he wanted to say, proud of his hard work, glad now that he'd pushed through the early days of frustration now that he knew how much he wanted to be able to properly communicate with her.

She didn't say anything in response, but the corners of her mouth drew up into a tiny smile, though her eyes didn't really change, he stared at her trying to figure out what expression she had, in fact, as it seemed to be something of fascination—like the way a scientist studied a new discovery under a microscope, or a child would marvel over a rainbow.

It was intense, her eyes were wide and when he looked at the rest of her, he discovered that her lips were loose, her mouth open just a small bit as if she might actually be breathing through her mouth, and her eyebrows were lifted, as if she were also surprised by what she was seeing.

He shuffled his feet, feeling his palms break out into a sweat when he looked back to her eyes to find hers had landed on his, the bright blue was piercing, as she stared at him pointedly—her expression softening a bit, her eyes wide and unblinking until he cleared his throat in embarrassment.

She blinked rapidly then, her eyelashes fluttering quickly and then she popped her eyes wide open and closed a few times hard before her face melted into red as a small frown bent her lips downward, a small squeaking noise emitted from her as she tucked her head further into her hood, her eyes moving to the ground between them.

Something wistful and soft floated from her mouth into the air around him, and it was so faint he couldn't be sure what she'd said clearly, but he thought he heard the word 'pretty'. He had no idea the context and wouldn't dare guess at this point.

A bubble of laughter filled the air between them, soft but clearly a nervous response, before she drew both hands up to her chest, then one shifted down to fiddle with cat character again, closing her eyes for a moment as she took a deep breath, her eyes popping open with a clear determination, moving to his chest, not yet making eye contact, her voice soft, "That is to say, I know who you are, of course I do, but I was very rude just now and I'm quite sorry, I just sometimes...try...um...I struggle...but it's really a pleasure to meet you...and...I'm Sanna Jo...and....I'm just kinda an idiot, I'll shut up now. Sorry."

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, stunned by how fast she talked and even more stunned that he understood most of what she said, praising all the saints in the heavens for all his English lessons again. He wasn't sure what to make of the fact that she seemed so different than the girl at the press conference, back to the same girl he'd nearly knocked down earlier today.

She seemed small and timid again, like before at lunch—but the girl at the conference was poised and articulate and kicked a reporter's proverbial ass with her fluffy pink cat-eared sassy attitude.

_Like night and day or soft and rough...a conundrum._

She was a puzzle, a mystery, something he sincerely wanted to figure out.

He had a million things he wanted to ask her, about the song from his game, about if she is the one who really sang it or if it was her sister, if she really was the one who played the game, the pink cat White Mage, Noralise, of course, if it was her sister, he'd still want to know if she liked other games, if she had other characters and what kinds she enjoyed—maybe they both played.

He wanted to ask about her favorite movies and food and season.

What kind of pajamas she wears, what her favorite animal is, and what she dreams of doing—today, tomorrow, ten years from now.

His mind whirled with all of the things he wanted to know.

He realized he had been quiet for too long when she made a small squeaking sound, her hands flying up to cover her mouth, and her head bent downward, her eyes landing on the carpet between them again, her cheeks pinked with embarrassment.

He struggled trying to think of what to say to her, how to say, "No really, don't worry, you're fine, I could listen to your voice twenty-four hours a day, in fact, would you mind if I recorded it so I can set it as my alarm and ringtone?" in English and then wanted to kick his own ass for being such a _guy._

_What the hell is wrong with me?_

"It's fine, really," he smiled, hoping the smile reached his voice since she for sure wasn't going to see it with her eyes fixated on the floor, he tested out the phrase her sister had used earlier that seemed to fit here, "No worries!"

Her head snapped up then, her expression surprised at the words he'd used, giggling cutely while covering her mouth with her hand as she shook her head in amusement before her eyes shifted past him to land on something behind him. He turned to look over his shoulder seeing her twin sister approaching, her hand pushing lightly on his shoulder when she passed by in a way that his own sisters sometimes handled him, then she patted her sister's head as she approached the chair, causing her bunny ears to flutter in the air.

She reached down to grab the cellphone Sanna had stuck under her leg, holding it up to show the screen to her, her words soft, "I messaged you back, way to ignore me, you brat..."

Sanna avoided her, keeping her eyes fixated on the spot on the floor between her chair and Ryosuke, her head tilting slightly as her sister sighed, pushing the button to turn off the screen and pushing it back under her leg again, moving behind her to pick up two bags off the floor, walking over to sit them on the table next to them.

"You alright, SJ?" Jonna Li asked without looking back at her sister, almost absently, like it wasn't a real question, but at the same time, it felt like a super serious question and Ryosuke didn't really understand why.

His eyes moved from one sister to the other. The one at the table cramming items from one bag into the other, and then to the small, timid bunny who had twisted a bit in the chair to stare at her sister's back.

When Sanna Jo didn't answer, her sister turned around to look at her, "Hello!? You okay?"

Sanna Jo still didn't answer, and Ryosuke couldn't help but smile when her sister leaned forward, moving her head in a bobbing motion as she was clearly trying to force eye contact with Sanna, who pulled her head sharply backward when she finally caught her eyes, her entire body stilling, stiffening suddenly, blinking rapidly.

"Yes, sorry, I'm fine," Sanna Jo responded, nodding her head, "Thank you."

Satisfied, the sister turned back to the table to resume what she was working on, and Ryosuke felt like he was invading something private, so he rushed through his mind trying to figure out how to leave without seeming rude—or worse throwing himself down at the bunny's feet begging her to tell him everything about her to quench his overblown curiosity.

"Yama-chan!" He turned his head when he heard his name to see Daiki and several of the other guys heading toward the door of the room, "We're going to head home to pack, you coming?"

_Thank you, Daiki!_

"Yep! Coming!" he called out, turning to look at the girls who were both looking up now, "I'm looking forward to the retreat!"

They both agreed, and he waved a quick goodbye, still feeling awkward for some reason, and turned to jog over to the guys and head out of the room. When he reached the door, he glanced back as he rounded out the corner, seeing that the sister had crawled up into the chair and was now hugging the bunny.

The soft fluffy pink bunny kitten Miqo'te playing girl who was a puzzle he was determined to solve.

_Finally, after all of this time–fi-na-lly, a challenge I can actually look forward to._


End file.
